Nothing Special, Really

Speaking of Being Dead…

2010-07-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Just because my last post was about death doesn’t mean this blog is dead. Barely breathing? Perhaps. But not dead.

Lots has happened since I last wrote and, at the same time, nothing has happened. Anyway, let’s just write again and see what happens.

......

We got back from our yearly trip to Bend, OR on Sunday. I’ve written about this at least once. I didn’t write about last year’s trip because it wasn’t nearly as epic, especially considering Saturday was wasted by going to urgent care because of chest pains which turned out to be just heartburn.

Given how last year unfolded, this year was probably the most relaxed trip of the three. The first year was an all-out drinking binge. The second year started that way out for me until I ended up in the hospital. This year, Wac and I made a more conscious effort to do more around the city and not spend as much time getting hammered. There was certainly enough beer to go around – we were staying at a hotel/pub, but we didn’t make the trip to be about getting drunk all the time. We did a fair share of drinking on Thursday and even more on Friday when did our own bicycle tour of the 7 breweries in the city. It wasn’t a sober trip by any means.

Saturday was definitely a lazy day. Breakfast didn’t happen until around noon, and we didn’t really do much until 3:30 when a group of us decided to rent some tubes and float the river that runs through the city. Being the de facto group organizer finally got to me right around this time as we experienced some difficulties coordinating the tube rentals. We weren’t sure how we were going to get the tubes to the river nor how we were going to get back to our cars once we were done. Part of the group wanted to just figure it out later, part of the group was OK with postponing the float until Sunday. I was already frustrated by having to transport our own tubes, which put me in an easily combustible mood. All sorts of suggestions were being made but not any decisions, and I felt everyone’s eyes on me to be the decision maker. I refused and instead walked off to let everyone else figure it out. They decided to float since we were there and already had the tubes, and it worked out in the end. I was calm and in a good mood by the time I met them up at the beach, and the float was what everyone needed at that point.

Tangent: I have to say, if you’re in Bend and you want to float the river, I highly recommend renting through Sun Country Tours. The tube rentals were some of the cheaper prices we found but, more importantly, one guy in particular really bent over backwards to help us coordinate the float. There’s no way we would have figured it all out if hadn’t helped us out so much.

Anyway, it was another successful Bend weekend. However, I’m wondering how much more I have it in me in terms of making it a group trip. It’s sort of become tradition at this point but organizing the trip each year is becoming less and less enjoyable. It was our idea three years ago so we’ve been the group coordinators each year, meaning we’re the ones who make the reservation. We’re the ones who try to round up people each year. We’re the ones who have to collect money from everyone for the hotel and sometimes the food and beer runs. When it comes to activities, often times the group follows our lead. Part of this is due to being the common bond between a bunch of strangers in the group, part of this is just my natural tendency to plan and prepare for these kind of trips, part of this is my willingness/ability to make decisions when others do not. The group dynamic is an issue too – everyone for the most part gets along, but the group itself isn’t closely knit. Factions of the group will break off and do their own thing, which for the most part is great. But I’m wondering if the group aspect is really necessary. If there’s 14 of us, but we’re hanging out in clusters of 4 or 6, does it really need to be a group of 14?

We’ll see what next year holds. It’s always a blast and it’s pretty much a tradition at this point, and I’m not interested in NOT going. I don’t want the tradition to fall apart if we don’t organize it, but I’m afraid that’s exactly what might happen.

......

Speaking of trips, we’ve got a big one coming up in October: either Santiago, Chile or Buenos Aires, Argentina. Neither city was high on my list of places to see (through no fault of their own) but when an opportunity like this presents itself, you kind of have to take it.

One of our good friends, Simon, has spent the year traveling through Central and South America to do some volunteer work originally planned for Santiago. He’ll get there sometime in the next month or so and spend the rest of the year working. So this trip kind of kills a couple birds at once. We get to travel to an awesome place on another continent, we get to spend a week exploring this place with a close friend, and we get to see said close friend for the first time in 10 months. As an wonderful added bonus, our friend James is heading down there to visit for the whole month of October as well. I’m sure we’ll have some stories to share from that trip by the time we’re done.

The only thing up for debate at this point is where we’re going. Simon is contemplating, and it sounds like at this point he’s leaning towards, spending his time in Buenos Aires instead. I’m down for either. Santiago looks incredible and lends itself to some awesome day trips to the western coast of the country; Buenos Aires look amazing as well and lends itself to Argentina steakhouses and a day trip to Montevideo, Uruguay if we want. Wherever we end up doesn’t matter to me; I can’t wait either way. Even though it’s three months away, I still check ticket prices and/or read up on either city on Wikipedia every day.

......

I’m trying to run another half marathon in little over a month. This time, it’s the Disneyland Half in Anaheim.

Like the race in Phoenix last year, I’ll be woefully unprepared for the run. I’m only up to three miles right now (maybe four, depending on how successful my run tonight is). I’ll be running 3-4 times that amount in less than a month. I’ll take solace in the fact that I completed the race last year despite never running greater than 5 miles, a distance I plan to surpass in my training this time. But it’s still a crash course in half marathon training.

The race should be pretty awesome. The first four miles of the course go through Disneyland, you run through Angels Stadium between miles 9 and 10, and you finish back at Disneyland. What won’t be fun is that the race STARTS at 5am, meaning we’ll need to be there by 4:30, meaning a very early morning. I really hope I don’t have the same sleeping problems I had before the Phoenix half marathon. At least this time we’ll be flying in Friday night vs. 6am the day before the race.

......

That’s it for know. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to keep this blog going at the same pace I was writing when I was unemployed. But maybe this will be a kick start to writing a bit more often. We’ll just see.

(untitled)

2010-01-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

This certainly wasn’t what I had in mind when I said something was coming soon.

On January 2nd, Wac got a call from a friend of hers. One of their mutual college friends passed away during the night. He was 28. Initial reports were that it was due to a heart attack, although I don’t know if that was confirmed. What I mean is that I’m sure it was confirmed by doctors but Wac hasn’t thought to confirm. Whatever the case, his death was completely unexpected. He was undoubtedly in better shape than I was. We’re talking about a kid – a kid who has scaled Mt. Rainier. A husband and a father for only 6 months.

On January 1st, he updated his Facebook page with a comment that he was listening to old Beatles records that evening. To most of his friends and family, these were his last words. He was gone later that evening.

We attended his memorial service on Thursday. 150 or so friends or families gathered to pay their last respects. He, Jordan, was deeply involved in the church. He was a graduate from a Christian college like Wac and was a leader of the youth group at the church. Some of his friends paid their respects by performing a couple of songs, others took to the podium to say a few words or relate to the congregation some of their favorite memories of Jordan.

I spent the service in another place, mentally. I don’t share the same faith that most everyone else there holds. Not to say that I wasn’t touched or that I didn’t choke up a bit; I did. It was a very touching service to a kid who’s life was tragically cut short (the pastor made a similar comment to this point which I thought was incredibly poignant; to me, it seems too blindly faithful to always chalk a tragedy like this to “God’s plan.”). But, while others eulogized their best friend, their brother, their husband, I kept thinking about something else.

I was thinking about what I would say at my father’s funeral.

......

I got a call from Laurie, my older of two sisters, as I was driving home from work on Tuesday. I try not to answer the phone when driving if I can avoid it, especially at night on a rainy two lane bridge. I figured she was following up her call that I missed on Sunday.

When my other sister, Bev, called me 5 minutes later, I knew something was up. This couldn’t just be a coincidence. So I answered.

Bev tells me that Dad had a heart attack. He is alive and under care at the hospital.

I didn’t know how to react. The fact that he was still alive was calming, and I took Bev’s demeanor as a sign that he was doing well, considering.

She asked whether or not I would come down to Phoenix. The rest of the family was on their way to the hospital. I didn’t know. I didn’t get the sense that I would be going to say my final goodbye, so I had less of an urgency to go. It would have been difficult to make it happen financially anyways. I knew that my family would want me to be there if I could, but I didn’t know what I would be going for.

I wasn’t really prepared for this.

......

I spoke with the rest of my family that night, including my dad. The impression was that he would probably recover from this, with some help of course. Stents to help with the blockage of two arteries. A pacemaker to temporary, and maybe permanently, help his heart out. A lot of medical words were being thrown out, and I didn’t really know what all of it meant. It was too much.

When I spoke with my Dad, I teased him about his idea of fun. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him for long. His voice was terribly hoarse and he was on the way to the helicopter to be air-evac’d to Phoenix. But it was good to talk to him nonetheless. With a heavy heart, I decided I wasn’t going to follow him there.

That night in bed, the guilt started to set in. I knew my family would understand why I wasn’t going, and that it wasn’t out of a lack of caring. But still, I couldn’t tell if I was making the right choice. Was I being selfish? Should I have figured out some way, any way, to be there with my dad who just suffered a heart attack?

At that moment, even if I knew it wasn’t going to be the last time, I just wanted to see my dad.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

......

I haven’t been confronted with death in a long time. The last time someone I knew passed away was my grandfather on my Mom’s side, and that was so long ago I don’t even recall how old I was. The last time I can remember death affecting me was when I came home from basketball camp to find that my Mom & Dad put the dog that I grew up with down to sleep. I was only 16 then. The only other death I can recall was the death of my childhood next door neighbor and best friend during elementary school, but at the time of his death, we had been out of contact for around 10 years. It’s not that I was sad, but at that point, it had been too long for me to be affected like this.

It hadn’t even been a week into the new year and I’ve already been confronted twice.

I’m trying to wrap up this post but I don’t know how. There’s so many things that I feel like I could say. I could talk about what we as a family could learn from this, or how I believe that it will probably take most of us following our father’s path before any of us even begin to consider dealing with our problems with obesity or diabetes or smoking or whatever else. I could talk about the changes that I plan to make to avoid being my dad, a man who neglected his own diabetes for nearly 20 years, or I could talk about the fact that I had pizza for two meals over the weekend is proof that I haven’t learned anything from this. I could talk about how thankful I am that I have Wac with me to give me motivation and purpose, or I could lament the fact that it’s all lip service until I actually put forth the same effort she does. Part of me wants to take my family to task and ask what changes they’re going to make to avoid the issues my dad is now having, but part of me knows that I’d hardly be practicing what I preach.

In Jordan’s death, I’m able to witness the incredible sadness from a life taken too early. In my father’s flirtation with death, I’m able to see exactly what I’d become if I didn’t make changes. And I’m affected for sure, but do I feel affected enough to make the changes I need to in order to prevent my own death for as long as possible? I don’t know.

That might be the scariest part of all of this.

Coming Soon

2009-12-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

Something.

Like Optimus Prime

2009-08-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

31 is not old. I’ve had friends try to convince me that I am wrong when, in fact, they are wrong. You lost your chance to convince me that I am old last year when I became part of “the thirties”.

My rebuttal to anyone who tells me I am old is that 31 is a prime number so, obviously, I’m still in my prime. You can talk to me about this next year when I am divisible by 2, 4, 8, and 16.

......

I had a birthday on Sunday. Many of you tried to call me or text me your birthday wishes, and to those who did, I appreciate it. I’m sorry my phone is such a piece that it decided to break on my freaking birthday. Basically, the hinge on the flip part broke partially about two weeks ago, and when I decided to check it on Sunday, the whole thing broke off, ripping at the wires and rendering the whole thing useless.

Anyways, due to such a great group of friends & family, I had an awesome birthday. The birthday weekend started with a camping trip in the Olympic mountains at Deer Park, a campsite essentially at the summit of one of the mountains. Easily the most breathtaking place I’ve camped yet:

We got back to town on Sunday afternoon in time for Matturday, the annual joint birthday celebration between our friend Matty and I, who celebrate back-to-back birthdays. Since it was his 30th, he called the shots on the plans, and we spent Sunday evening staying low-key with some food and drinks at a couple of bars in Pike Place Market.

A birthday weekend celebrated with some of my good friends is all I really need these days, but Wac took things to another level this year, like she usually tends to do. For whatever reason, Wac likes to go overboard on my birthdays, and I’m not complaining. Previous birthdays have included trips to Yakima to do a tour of the wine country, “staycations” at a hotel Downtown, and chocolate & food pairing dinners at Theo’s Chocolate. This year, Wac asked me if I wanted an event or a gadget. Since we were going camping for the weekend, I chose gadget.

I was supposed to find out Monday what the gadget would be, but we had sometime after we got back Sunday afternoon, so we went to the undisclosed location to get it. On the way there, Wac disclosed that we were going to Northgate Mall. Specifically, Best Buy.

To get me a laptop.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about the coolest girlfriend ever. My 2002 Dell PC is completely outdated but I haven’t had the resources to replace it. Wac realized that a new computer was probably the one thing I needed the most and made that my birthday present.

Oh, and I should mention that she planned an event anyways – a cooking class dinner scheduled for the end of the month.

See, I told you I’m still in my prime. There’s no way an “old man” would end up with the best girlfriend in the world.

Just Some Stuff

2009-08-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

Hello there.

Yes, it’s been a while. I haven’t felt like posting much lately, nor do I have as much time to post as I had over the past year. I know a lot of my readers rely on my blog to know what’s going on with me, but for me, that’s not much motivation to post. This blog is supposed to be a creative outlet for me, but yes, sometimes, that creativity is fueled by life events. I haven’t post the past couple of months because I haven’t felt anything interesting to post about. I’ve had a lot of things happen since my last post, but nothing that jumped out to me as something I wanted to write about.

So I’m forcing this post out for two reasons. One, for the sake of my readers who want to know what’s going on in my life (yet, for some reason, choose not to call or email) and two, perhaps by just recapping what’s happened lately, I’ll trigger that creative spark. So here goes.

When I last left you, the ‘Betes was on my mind. It’s something that’s always on my mind, even if I’m not managing it as well as I could. The good news is that I’m managing it better than I thought, despite a scare that I had a little over a month ago. For some reason, my glucose was testing higher than normal. It still wasn’t astronomically high (for those with the ‘Betes, I was running between 170-180) but it was higher than I normally test, and it wasn’t coming down as fast as it usually does. It seemed for a while that, no matter what I ate, I couldn’t get my sugar down to normal levels like I usually can.

I was really bothered by this because I couldn’t help but think that I was mismanaging my Diabetes for a very long time. While I was unemployed, I could only afford to check my blood sugar periodically. My concern wasn’t that I was running high that day, but that I’d been running higher for a much longer period of time. I started freaking out, to the point that I left work one day because I couldn’t help but fixate on my blood sugar.

The good news is that it was a smaller issue than I was making it out to be. I finally went to see my doctor, and my blood sugar has improved a lot since I was diagnosed. When I found out I had Diabetes two years ago, my A1c was in the low 9’s. When I tested it again last month, I was at 5.9. For those not familiar with that – my 3 month average blood sugar was now in the normal range, and very close to what a non-diabetic would measure as. This was a relief for two reasons. One, it meant that my blood sugar spike was most likely just a recent thing. Two, it meant that I had been fairly successful managing my diabetes through diet & exercise, even despite the fact that I still have a lot of room to improve.

The flip side is that my doctor felt my cholesterol was higher than he preferred, despite the fact that A) it had improved vs. two years ago and b) only my good cholesterol was outside of the “good” range. He prescribed me two medications, one to help lower my bad cholesterol, the other to raise my good cholesterol. I haven’t done anything with those prescriptions; instead, I scheduled an appointment with a different doctor for another opinion. I don’t want to be on three medications, especially when I’ve shown improvement just through diet & exercise, and still have room to improve in those two areas. I haven’t been happy with my doctor since I first saw him, and this was the final straw. I met with the new doctor last Friday, and he confirmed the same thing I was thinking - I'm in a great position to be able to reduce my cholesterol via diet & exercise if I put the effort in to it. Plus, this doctor loves beer and doesn't think 6-10 drinks a week is excessive for me. Methinks I have a new doctor now.

......

About three weeks ago, Wac and I finally bought our tickets for our much-delayed trip to Chicago. Some of you have asked “Why Chicago?” It started a couple of years ago when Wac expressed an interest in moving there sometime in the future. At the time, I had no interest in doing so because I had only been in Seattle a little over a year. However, I told her that we should at least check it out, and if we end up being serious about doing so, we need to check it out a couple times, especially during the more miserable seasons. We planned to go in 2007 but we weren’t able to afford it. We budgeted for it last year but unemployment prevented us from going. This year, now that I’m working again, we made it a priority in our budget.

Despite the difficult winters and the muggy summers, I’ve seen, heard, and read enough about Chicago that makes it sound like an appealing place. Take the weather out of the equation, and everyone I know who’s been there has nothing but wonderful things to say about it. We planned our first trip during the middle of October, so I’m sure we’ll have a great time as well. I think we’re both in a position, especially Wac, where we’re viewing this more as a vacation than a scouting trip for our next apartment. However, it only took me a week to fall in love with Seattle, and it could very well happen with Chicago.

......

I sold my car. I put it up about three weeks ago on Craigslist for $2200. Four days later, I sold it to the first guy I showed it to for $1900 cash.

Wac and I thought the decision through pretty extensively. Originally the idea was to put the money into my car to get it fixed. It needs a new radiator right now and, eventually, a new water pump & timing belt. That’s about $1700 to put into my car that I’m not going to get back when I sell it. It is a Honda and still has great mileage, but it also has considerable body damage that I never got fixed. There’s a dent in the rear passenger panel that would have cost $1600 to get fixed; at the time I needed money so I pocketed the check instead.

Anyways, we were going to put in at least the $500 for the radiator to get the car running until the timing belt was due & either fix that or trade it in for a new car. We’ve both been interested in the Mazda 3’s, and we’d both like a more professional car than my beat up Accord or her less beat up 98 Tacoma. I was going to put my car down as a trade in towards the Mazda when I had a realization about 2 months ago: we don’t even really need a new car right now.

The last thing I want to do is take on additional debt. Furthermore, we’ve been down to one car since November when my radiator got really bad, and we’ve been fine since then. There were a couple times when I had to bus it to work, but with Wac working downtown, only one of us has to worry about commuting by car regularly. On the weekends, if we’re not doing stuff together, we’re very rarely in a position where both of us are going somewhere that requires a car.

When I came to this realization, I was literally beaming. I was in the middle of reconfiguring my budget, and the idea that I could get an extra $2k to put towards my debt, on top of eliminating my monthly insurance payment, was seriously exciting. Reducing my debt is my number one priority right now, and selling my car can knock out two credit cards right away & get months closer to having $0 credit card debt.

I hated to say good bye to my car. It was the first car that I purchased that I was actually proud to own or enjoyed driving. The day before I sold it, I took it to the car wash. I had an old CD in that I hadn't listened to since before my radiator cracked. I'm not ashamed to admit that I got slightly misty-eyed driving it that day, but, it’s just a car. Any sad feelings went away once I looked at the stack of hundreds I had sitting on my desk.

......

I mentioned before that my biggest priority right now is reducing my debt. I had paid off most of my credit cards before I moved to Seattle but, in the year and a half following, I proceeded to run them all back up and then some. The biggest reason for this is that I failed to adjust to a more meager lifestyle when I moved here. My expenses increased but my income really didn’t. I used whatever cash I had saved up to get by the first couple of months but when that ran out, I didn’t adjust and started using credit instead. It’s pretty ridiculous the amount of credit card debt I have but it was my own doing.

I caught bits and pieces of the documentary Maxed Out a couple weeks ago, about the supposed evil doers that are credit card companies. I’ll grant that they do have some unsavory practices, like jacking up your interest rate at the slightest hint of a problem, outrageous fees for being over the limit or being even just a day late, and relentless solicitation. But, for the most part, the movie played up the American public as the victim, and I don’t buy it. I’m sure my perspective is skewed a bit from being on the lending & customer service side of credit cards for nine years, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people in trouble with credit cards. Certainly, there are some unfortunate circumstances that get people into trouble that they can’t avoid, but often, the problems people get into are self-inflicted.

I’m not unlike many people in that my credit card woes are the result of over-consumption. I bought too many things I didn’t need, and I used credit cards to get them. Instead of being responsible with my credit cards and using them only when absolutely necessary, I used them to finance vacations, numerous dinners and bar tabs, and countless items that I either don’t use or don’t have any more. A responsible credit card user would have found cheaper ways to eat, refused to buy things that weren’t essential, or saving up enough cash to use for a vacation instead of charging it all. I know I can’t be the only one who did this.

I started heading down this path of debt freedom last year, when I used part of my severance package to pay off my car. In hindsight I should have been more responsible with my severance, but at least it was a start. Being unemployed certainly changed my focus from paying off debt to just staying afloat, but now that I’m steadily employed again, I’m on the path to paying off my debt in September of 2011. I could pay it off sooner if I wanted to be really frugal; the fact that I’m planning trips for Chicago & Vegas this year, as well as a large chunk for Christmas, probably extends that date by about 4 months. I’m fine with that though because at least I’ll be paying for those trips with cash this time.

Actually, I’ve accelerated that schedule by at least 2 months already. April and May were successful poker months for me. Although it wasn’t the most money I ever won at once, I won $600 in my first ever flat-out tournament victory. I also had several smaller victories that totaled $1200. Last month, I got concerned about my ability to cash out that money down the road, so I took it out now with the intent to put it toward my debt. I didn’t use as much as I planned for credit cards, but I paid one off completely and cut another one in half. I was close to using a lot of it to replace our TV that broke down, but since one of our friends came through and loaned us their extra, I was able to stay smart with it.

What’s ridiculous is that, once my credit cards are paid off, I’ll be at a point where every other paycheck is essentially free for whatever I choose. I can’t imagine what that’s like – the closest I’ve come to being so financially free is when I was living off of student loans. But it’s safe to say I’ve learned my lesson. I spent the entire decade of my 20’s being burdened by debt (crazy to think that at one point I was stupid enough to consider bankruptcy or voluntary repossession because I was falling behind on my car payment every now and then) – I’m looking forward to spending my 30’s doing something completely different – saving. Saving money for a house eventually, setting aside a considerable amount each month for retirement, building up a nest egg. These are all foreign concepts to me but, with each credit card payment, I’m able to get just a bit closer to making that a reality.

......

See you next time.

It's In The Jeans

2009-05-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Even in dreams, running in jeans doesn’t work very well.

The last dream I had before I woke up this morning involved me running a race. From what I remember of the dream, I was watching Wac run a race when she encouraged me to run it as well. The race weaved in and out and around a series of hills that looked like fairways on a golf course, only it was all compacted into the size of a city block. I hadn’t run in weeks, but I decided to jump in anyways. I started off pretty quickly, doing a lot better than I started, but by the second loop, I remembered that I was running in jeans, and dropped back down to my “dream pace”. Dream pace is that run you do in dreams where you’re trying to run but it feels like you’re running in pudding with anchors for feet. It happens to me all the time, especially when I’m trying to run away from something. They never catch up to me though; I always wake up before they do.

This morning nothing was chasing me, but as soon as I got the molasses feet, I woke up and immediately thought one thing:

“I HAVE to go running today”

......

I made the decision last night that I was going to run today, so that’s probably where my dream was spawned. Furthermore, the part about running in jeans probably came about because I made the decision to run today because of my jeans.

An hour before I went to bed, I weighed myself with my jeans on. Normally, I weigh myself without my jeans, so whatever my weight was doesn’t mean much in comparison to what I usually weigh, but my weight with jeans still hammered home a sobering point.

I’m gaining weight.

......

When I was in Arizona two weekends, family and friends both commented that I appeared to have lost weight. The last time they saw me was less than four months prior, when I was in the best shape I had been in years, ready to take on my first half-marathon. That weekend was the least I had weighed in probably 7 or 8 years.

The length of time between my two visits to AZ must have deceived them, because I, in fact, had not lost weight. I had gained weight, about three pounds since January. I wasn’t worried about the gain though, my weight usually fluctuates about 2-3 lbs on a regular basis. Of course, that’s also my regular fluctuation if I’m not eating in Arizona .

I splurged on my first night back home, taking down a chimichanga and way too much chips with salsa. I justified this by making sure I ordered veggies instead of rice with my dish, but whatever I saved in carbohydrates by omitting the rice I canceled out with several pints at Casey Moore’s. I told myself this was OK though since it was going to be my only splurge of the weekend.

Apparently, my definition of “splurge” has changed. The next day I had two burgers at In N Out. Since I don’t get to go to In N Out very often, I’ll usually get two burgers but forego the fries so that I can stay within my allotted carbs for the meal. I didn’t get fries, but Wac did, and I couldn’t help myself. Later that night, we arrived at my parent’s house. Dinner was her infamous taco salad. My serving size was probably just the right amount of carbs. The problem was, so were the second and third servings.

The following day was my sister’s wedding. The good little diabetic angel on my shoulder encouraged me to skip out on cake and make sure I had water available since the only other options were iced tea and fruit punch. I listened, but I also listened to the bad little non-diabetic devil on my other shoulder, who talked me into not one, not two, but somewhere between 7-8 servings from the 6-foot Walmart sub throughout the evening.

Sunday was a little bit better, but not by much. Leftover taco salad for breakfast, followed by a snack on the road of some Mini Sirloin Burgers from JITB. Lunch at the Grand Canyon was two more leftover sub sandwiches and an apple, followed by an ice cream cone a couple hours later (although that was justified since it was crazy hot out and we had been hiking for almost two hours). Dinner was a salad & pizza.

Our last day was a gutbomb of a breakfast: bacon, sausage, hash browns and biscuits & gravy, enough to push lunch back a couple of hours. When lunch finally came, I indulged once again with a couple of tacos AND rice from some hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint. We were hungry once again halfway though our flight home, so in the Salt Lake City airport, with only minutes between flights, we grabbed a sandwich at the Wolfgang Puck stand. We flipped the sandwich over and looked at the label:

700-something calories
20-something grams of fat
60-something grams of carbs

Yet, for some reason, it wasn’t until I got out of AZ that I asked the one question I should have been asking all weekend:

“Maybe we should split this?”

.....

Two thirty-five.

That number stared me in face with that look your parents give you just before they say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” which always hurts so much worse.

Two thirty-five with jeans, but still. My jeans are not five pounds.

I crossed into the 220’s many months ago and thought I’d never look back to the 230’s. I also thought I’d stick to running after I completed my half marathon. I also thought I was finally making progress with my diet as a diabetic. I was wrong on all accounts.

Two thirty-five is the result of many things: A weekend derailment off the healthy living train, a return to a lazier lifestyle, jeans, and other things. But, with the exception of the jeans, there’s an underlying factor that ties all the other reasons together.

I’m not being serious about my diabetes.

......

The evil diabetes struck again in my family, this time it’s my brother. It’s already gotten my dad, one of my sisters, and me. Four out of six members of my immediate family are diabetic. Sadly, that’s a lot closer to becoming status quo for our country than you might think.

My brother was understandably bummed about his diagnosis, and we talked for about a half-hour about all sorts of things diabetic. How it feels, how to cope, what to eat, how to exercise, who to talk to, etc. I admitted that I haven’t been doing everything I should be doing as a diabetic, but I’ve been doing a lot better than I was before I was diagnosed. I told him that it was important to see the little ways that you’re making progress because it’s not something that’s going to change overnight. It’s easy to get bummed out when you’re not seeing the bigger picture.

The two thirty-five on the scale last night was a reminder that practicing what I preach isn’t enough. It’s one thing to focus on the progression, no matter how small it is. It’s another thing to get comfortable with the little progress you make, to the point that it stops being progression and falls back into regression. Consciously I was thinking that I was doing certain things right while steadily working to improve. Subconsciously, I was resting on the laurels of my small successes too much to the point that I was chipping away at the progress I was making. I’m still living healthier than I was pre-diagnosis, but these days, that’s more an indictment of just how unhealthy I was than it is a confirmation of how healthy I am now.

It’s easy to forget about being diabetic because, although I do feel healthier, I don’t feel like I have a disease. I don’t have any pain, I don’t feel like I’m sick, but the reality is I have a disease that is one of the leading causes of death in America . It’s a nasty disease that can lead to consequences like amputation of limbs or blindness if gone untreated. I’m nowhere near needing to be concerned about that, but at the same time, the fact that I’m diabetic makes it a possibility, and if someone were to ask me if I’m doing everything in my power to prevent that, I would be dishonest if I answered “yes.”

.....

I just got a call from a friend, inviting Wac and I out to go see Star Trek at Cinerama tonight. As gay as it sounds, the first thing I thought of was “but then I’d miss the finale of The Biggest Loser.” It’s pathetic, I know.

What’s even more pathetic is that it took me another moment to realize that going to the movie would also make running tonight even more difficult.

So, tonight, no Star Trek. I’ll find time to see that when I can. I’ve digressed from healthy living for far too long, and as a young diabetic, there’s no excuse for that. It’s that same mentality that helped put me in this position to begin with. Instead, I’m going running tonight.

Even if means I have to run in jeans.

A Long Overdue Epilogue

2009-04-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

You may recall a couple of posts I wrote last summer about a situation from January where I sort of fell into a weird, depressed state. It only lasted for a week or two, but during that time, I was constantly fixated on a very uncomfortable thought; the notion of my own death. I started writing about it as it happened, but it took me nearly 7 months to finally get most of it out for a couple of reasons.

1. Even in August, I was still having a hard time coming to terms with what happened
2. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to capture my thoughts into words as clearly as possible, but with a hint of drama as well

I tried turning it into some sort of epic 5-part story, but I stopped after Part 4. I made the mistake of finishing these posts right around my birthday, I got distracted with birthday events, and I couldn’t find a way to conclude it all afterwards.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to write the conclusive post, but I’m going to try anyways. It’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything, and I’m trying to see if this can get my creative juices flowing once again. So far, so good; I’ve written this first part pretty quickly, with little to no editing, so I guess I’ll run with it.

......

I haven’t had another bout of panic attacks or depression like the big one from last January. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t let those thoughts creep into my head again, but after letting those thoughts consume me like they did before, I’ve become much more adept at shaking them off. Thinking about my own death, the absence of my own existence, is still pretty scary to me, but I’ve gotten so much better at deflecting my thoughts elsewhere.

Saying that I came out of those two weeks with a new outlook on or appreciation of life is too dramatic for my taste, but there is some truth to that idea. I somehow found a way to convince myself that everything we do isn’t meaningless, but I didn’t have a definitive answer about what that meaning was; I doubt I ever will. Looking back on that time as part of a bigger picture, I see it as a culmination of events over the prior three years that left me more confused than I realized. By the time 2008 rolled around, several aspects of my identity from January of 2005 were different. College was over, friendships had changed, work became more serious, and that’s not to mention that I lost a significant portion of my identity when I began my relationship with Wac, to this day my one and only serious relationship. On the exterior, I probably didn’t seem that different to anyone who knew me, but inside, I was hardly the same person I knew myself, and I guess it’s easier to see now why I could get depressed when I struggled to figure out the meaning of everything or anything. But anyway, I did come out of all that with some new ideas about how I wanted to live my life going forward.

The first change was that I became much more focused professionally. It seems strange to me, but my focus improved when I realized that I had no desire to define myself by what I did for a living. Let me backtrack for a bit; this was an issue for me as early as the fall of 2006 (two of my favorite blog posts were on this very subject), the first time I was really disenfranchised with my career path. Since then, a couple things happened: I found that HR was something that I could actually be good at, and I found aspects of HR that were at least satisfying if not enjoyable. But beyond that, I realized that it wasn’t a goal of mine to define myself as an HR professional. For me, my career is what will enable me to do the things I really enjoy in life, like traveling when I please, to both distant and familiar places. What I really want is the freedom to go anywhere I want to at any given time, whether it be Barcelona, Vegas, home to Tempe, or a weekend getaway to Portland, and if the best way for me to achieve that is to excel as an HR professional, then that’s where I find the reward in my job. It’s basically a “work to live, not live to work” philosophy, but I'm trying to be more eloquent than that for my readers' sake.

The second change was that, for better or worse, I’m less passionate about life in general. I mean this in a very Existentialist sort of way, not in the depressive sort of way I viewed life 15 months ago. There are certain things I’m more passionate about, but they’re really just support of my passion towards getting the freedom to travel. Part of getting that freedom is improving my financial status, and so since last January, I’ve been more focused on reducing my debt and improving my financial freedom. For the first time in years I’m contributing to my 401k again, and once I can get my debt reduced significantly, I can start putting money away into savings again.

The counter-effect is that I’m not as passionate about certain things as I once was, things like music, basketball, and poker. It’s not that I don’t enjoy these things anymore; instead, this slight shift in the way I think prevents me from being as passionate about them as I once was. At the worst of my depression, I saw everything as absolutely meaningless because, at some point, everything we know and experience will be gone. I’ve been able to find meaning in certain things once again, but ultimately, the aforementioned activities don’t really contribute to the bigger picture outside unless we’re talking about traveling to these events (like going to a big music festival like Reading or Glastonbury, going to the WSOP, or traveling to see the Suns play). There is sort of an absence in my life in the sense that I don’t have anything going on that I’m very passionate about, but I’m at least able to counter that by understanding that A) there is a bigger picture to it all and B) tempering that lack of passion with enough activities that I still enjoy.

I can’t say that I’ll never fall into that depression or have those panic attacks again; in fact, it’s probable that it will happen as long as I’m living in Seattle (seriously clouds, it’s been almost 8 months, you can go away now). More so, I can see myself falling into that again as I get older, closer to the end of it all, not out of regret or disappointment but out of sadness. And when that happens, I hope that I'll be able to welcome it. Therein lies the third change, my acceptance of all this. I’d much rather be afraid of death than indifferent to it because ultimately that means I’m still happy. If I wasn’t enjoying life, if I wasn’t living a good life, then the concept of my own death probably wouldn’t be so scary. Those unfortunate enough to hit a point where they take their own life don’t do so because they’re afraid of dying; instead, they prefer the terminality of death over the burden of life. For me, life isn’t a burden yet, it’s still something worth living, and I realize that my fear of death is a natural instinct to keep me living. It’s this same instinct that’s behind things like stopping at a red light, drinking water, or saying no to prostitutes; we do these things so that we don’t die. My fear of death is just me being very conscious of this instinct. Others are able to resolve this fear better than I can through belief in their own religion; I’ve chosen a different set of beliefs that doesn’t give me that luxury, but that shouldn’t warrant any pity from anyone. I believe, more definitively than most, that our death is the end, and that if there happens to be any continuation beyond that, we’ll never be capable to know, just as we’ll never be capable enough to understand how we got here in the first place (aside from being delivered by storks, EVERYONE knows that). Fifteen months ago, that uncertainty was enough to paralyze me into such a depression that I couldn’t enjoy the life I still had yet to live. Now, I realize that uncertainty is nothing more than just a reminder to keep living the life that I still enjoy.

Thanks For Ruining April Fools

2009-03-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

Damn you all for being such concerned, attentive, good friends.

It would have made for a pretty good April Fool's joke, at least for some of you, if I said nothing about the new job until the end of the month, at which point I was going to put up a blog post about how I got laid off again. But the number of people hassling me with questions like "What's it like being employed again" or "How was the first week?" is getting to be too much.

At least I know I have friends that care about me, so that's always good. I guess.

So, yeah, new job. It feels the same yet different. It didn't take long for me to feel comfortable. Within the first day I was already manipulating reports, playing around with Excel, and trying to see if I could check my email from work. I haven't necessarily been thrown in the fire the first week, but I've been given a couple of projects to work on as soon as the 2nd day. Even with those, I've still had a lot of free time on my hand, but that's slowly dwindling as I get situated.

But it feels different too. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a career, like I'm a professional. It'll probably feel inconsequential soon enough, but it was kind of surreal walking in the first day and having things like business cards and a laptop. I still have a cubicle, but with a window for the first time ever. That won't last long since we're moving downstairs next month, but then, I'll have my own office, complete with a door. I'm meeting people around the office, and they just don't know who I am, they know why I was brought on and they're excited about it. Once a week I go downtown to Seattle, where I share an office on the 17th floor of a high rise. Of course, another stupid condo is being built, blocking my view of Elliot Bay except for a sliver, but still, that's a sliver of a view that I've never had before. These are perks that many probably take for granted, but for me, it's a sign that I'm finally back on the career path I started planning for myself about 18 months ago.

I try not to feel guilty about where I'm at, given all the gloom and doom lately, and for the most part, I don't. I "put in my dues" over the past 10 months, and I worked my ass off to get to this point. But still, there's thousands of people who are happy taking a cut in pay, in responsibility, in anything, just to make sure they have a paycheck again, and here I am, finding my way into quite possibly the perfect job. Even the commute is manageable. It's 50 minutes back through a section of some of the worst traffic in the country, but it hasn't bothered me yet, and it probably never will. I know what it's like to not have this, I know that what I have now is absolutely great; crawling my way home a couple times a week isn't enough to faze me.

So for all those interested; life is good, for now. It doesn't mean that I'm still not immune to a job loss anymore. If it happens again, c'est la vie. I'm just going to enjoy this as long as I can.

Change I Can Believe In

2009-03-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

I hate Daylight Savings time.

Growing up in Arizona, I never had to deal with DST beyond adjusting an arrival time in Vegas depending on the time of year. It wasn't until Seattle where I felt the full effects of the time change, the first effect being that eerie feeling in October when I would walk out of work at 4:30pm that first week and it would already be dark.

I still don't fully understand the concept; is the change to give us an hour more of daylight in the evenings during the summer, or an hour more in the mornings during the winter? Either way, I think it's a retarded idea. What's an hour more either way? I may be misunderstood, but I believe that it was enacted to provide farmers more time to work depending on the season. Maybe if we were still a primarily agrarian economy it would make sense (perhaps if this recession really runs deep enough we'll get back to that point) but now, I don't see the point, unless it's part of a enormous conspiracy to fuck with my sleep schedule (which it could very well be).

I didn't really adjust my sleep schedule going into this first week back into the workforce because, even though I was usually getting up no earlier than 10am, I've been able to wake up early on short notice many times before & still function. However, if I had realized sooner that I would be getting up earlier for the work THE SAME WEEK that DST kicked in, then I would have adjusted. Going from waking up at 10am to 6:30am sucks, but it's doable; now that 6:30am is what 5:30am was last week, that's a big difference. I can't think of a more perfect cliche than to say that I'm probably in for a rude awakening this week.

......

Speaking of the new job, I'm definitely excited about this opportunity, but also little bit sad and nervous, equally. One thing I realized during these past 10 months is that, in the event that I somehow became independently wealthy, I wouldn't be one of those people who "has to work" to stay busy or keep from being bored. Most of the time I felt myself being bored during this time wasn't because I didn't know how to spend my time, it was a lack of resources that kept me from spending my time the way I wanted to, and that's not to mention the fact that I didn't even do non-financially dependent activities as much as I should have (i.e. working out, reading, etc.) Yeah, I was a homebody for the majority of my time, but for the most part I enjoyed it. That's not to say that I prefer it, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world either. A small part of me is going to miss my daily routine of waking up late, playing XBox or poker, hanging out with Wac during our brief hours together, then rinsing and repeating.

I'm also a bit nervous because, heading into tomorrow, I don't know what to expect. Well, let me rephrase: I know what to expect, considering my boss already planned out my first week. What I should say is that I don't know how I'm going to feel. Aside from the mental adjustment from being a lazy bum to being a highly productive HR professional, there's also things like fitting in with my first new company in 13 years, getting accustomed to one of the worst commutes in the U.S. three times a week, etc. I don't know how much sense this makes to anyone else, but over these past 10 months, it felt like my job was just to be a professional applicant. Of course the goal was to get a job, but because it was so prolonged, I kind of forgot about that end result. Now that it's all coming to an end, it feels...weird.

......

I already celebrated my new job several weeks ago when I first accepted the position, but since this past weekend was kind of my "last weekend of freedom", I took one more opportunity to get hammered on Friday night. It didn't end poorly, but it didn't end well either. Wac found me sitting on the floor at 5am, cross-legged, hiccuping and searching frantically for my glasses; I remember none of this. I also vaguely remember the various drunken messages I left on some internet social mediums, one message which resulted in having to confront a former friend of mine one last time about why we're no longer friends. Granted, most of these messages were hysterical and harmless, but the feeling of waking up and forgetting so many of my actions isn't as funny as it used to be. Not to mention the aches in my bones and the disappointment that my Saturdays weren't starting until around Noon; the price of drinking has certainly gone up as I've gotten older.

I also got some weird idea in my head to lose weight again. I've fallen off the physical fitness wagon pretty hard since the 1\2 marathon in January, and I've hit a point where I'm finally starting to appreciate the time when I was on that wagon. Certainly one culprit of all this is how much I've been drinking. I wouldn't come anywhere close to saying I've got a problem; 95% of my drinking is concentrated between the hours of 5pm-1am on Fridays. But alcoholism aside, drinking directly conflicts with any healthy objectives I set for myself.

So, as if I didn't need enough changes in my life this week, I'm setting one more. Complete sobriety until Memorial Day weekend. I can't hold it any longer than that, because we've got a music festival planned that weekend, with one of the days devoted specifically to getting wasted at the campsite. Until then, however, I'm back to being boring and sober. No more knocking down signs, no more falling asleep at bars, no more putting random objects in other people's beers, no more drunken messages in the middle of the night.

I know, no more fun. Just bear with me until Memorial Day. After that, I promise you: things will change.

Ramble On

2009-03-05T00:53:00.000-08:00

I'm not tired enough to go to sleep yet but too tired to really do anything else that one would do at 1am. I should probably start working on getting to bed earlier, as well as getting up earlier, with that whole job thing starting next week. Oh well.

Let's do a stream of consciousness post and see how it turns out. And away we go!

......

Earlier tonight I walked by a bum on the street. In Seattle, that's not hard to do, and normally they don't stick out to me anymore. This one did, mostly because he had a TV with him. Not a little hand held one either, at least a 13 inch one. He was parked in front of a record store, turning the knob from station to station. I didn't see how he got it plugged in but I assume it was from the record store. As I walked past, I couldn't help but think that June is really going to suck for him when TV goes all digital. Obviously not the worst of his problems but doesn't make it any easier for him either.

One of my lasting memories of Seattle involves a homeless person. I visited up her almost a year before I moved up, just to make sure that I would like this city. I stayed at a hostel near Pike Place Market, one that doesn't exist anymore. As I was going back and forth between the hostel and whatever destination, I came across a young homeless person, not much older than me. She stood with her gaze fixed on the sidewalk, with a sign reading something like "Dreaming of a Big Mac & Fries. Please help make my dream come true." Obviously her sign was meant to be somewhat humorous, at least it was to me. For some reason, it made me enjoy Seattle even more on that trip. I thought to myself "even the homeless are cooler up here!" On my last day, I finally talked to her for a bit and even asked for a picture. She was hesitant until I assured her I wasn't publishing it anywhere. She was really a nice person and I truly believe she was just down on her luck. I gave her something like $10 but she seemed even more grateful that I asked her to take her picture, as most others would do it without asking. I never saw her again after that.

More proof that the homeless are cooler in Seattle. A friend of mine told me the most awesome story last week about when he saw two drunk bums outside his bus stop. One was insisting that the other bum was dead. The supposedly dead bum then began asking people if he could hear him. He reported to the first bum that he got two no responses and three "I don't know", so maybe he was really dead. The first bum was hysterically laughing his ass off.

We get approached all the time from homeless in this city, it just goes with the territory. Usually I just ignore them, other times I'll politely decline. I'm actually really bothered by the amount of homeless in our city, and I know that a large number of them are really just people who ran into some bad circumstances trying to find someway to get their lives together. I choose not to help only because there's no way to really determine which of the homeless are like that, and which are just hopeless beggars and drug addicts. Not to mention, quite frankly, I'm not in the most secure financial situation either.

Enough about bums. The Suns lost tonight. I watched a lot of the Suns-Lakers game on Sunday. We looked really good that day, especially Barbosa. For the first time ever, I watched him lead the team like an actual point guard. I've never seen him play so poised and so in control, especially in the half court setting. He also cherry-picked like crazy but I won't complain. He seems to mesh better with Shaq than Nash does, although I haven't caught any of the post All-Star games with Nash, so I have nothing to compare too. Anyways, our defense is and will always be a problem. I'm resigned to the fact that we're possibly looking at no playoffs this year, and honestly, I'm fine with that. That'll give us a lottery pick, add some more youth to this team, and take one last hurrah next year with the 7 Seconds or Shaq philosophy, for a full year, and see where it goes.

It's getting weirder to think that I start work next week. Although I'm definitely looking forward to it, it's a little sad that I'll have to give up this lifestyle that I've been accustomed to over the past 10 months. There's definitely some things I would have done differently, mostly remember to get my car fixed sooner and devote more time to exercising, but I don't have many regrets about how I've spent my time or my money. I can't say that I'm not going to miss sleeping in until whenever I want or staying up late as well, but in the end, I'm sure I'll prefer getting on a more regular schedule, especially when I see those first couple of paychecks.

We're going to the Sasquatch Music Festival again this year, the third time in a row. Last year, some of our friends took the middle of the three days off and just spent the day in the campsite, drinking and partying. I have to admit, part of me was a little jealous of that idea, so this year, we're only going to one day of music so that we can spend all day Saturday doing the same. We were going to go two days, Sunday & Monday, but I ultimately decided against going on Monday. I was kind of able to justify the ticket price considering the bands that will be there that day, but I figured it was best to save the $70 (not to mention addt'l money for food and whatever), mostly because I realized that economic situations are different this time around, and that just because I'll have a higher paying job doesn't change the fact that I need to be even smarter with my earnings this time around.

I bought a bottle of what I thought was one of those clear water drinks that's carb-free but tastes like soda. Instead, it's sparkling water. I hate sparkling water, and I hated that when we were in Europe years ago, we had to specifically ask for non-sparkling water when we went to restaurants. Seriously, I don't understand why people think this tastes good. I'm all for putting lemon in water, but this just tastes like sour water. I have a headache now, which I'm completely blaming on that nasty faux-soda crap.

Bedtime.

Tips On Finding A Job

2009-02-18T01:37:00.000-08:00

First of all, a sincere thank you to all the well-wishers from my last post. 18 comments: I'm completely humbled by it all. Thank you.

I don't think the gravity of all this will hit until I actually go to work on March 10th. The past couple of days have felt like the past couple of months. I'm still broke, I still stay up too late, and I still spend most of my time at home. I haven't even stopped looking at new jobs. It's habit I guess.

I did some proper celebrating of the new occupation on Friday night. Several of my friends joined me for the evening, and I proceeded to get fully drunk that night. I only remember about half of the conversations, and one of the ones I do remember was a bit embarrassing. I also showed off my lonely nipple, and capped off the night by knocking down anything in my path on the walk back and\or putting construction cones on random cars. I still think there's a dumpster or two that's still on its side thanks to me.

Anyways, the celebration was somewhat bittersweet knowing that many of my former coworkers are still looking for jobs, not to mention several friends that are facing layoffs in the near future. Although I've certainly put in the effort to finally find a new job, I can't help but feel that, even after being unemployed for over 9 months, that I was lucky. There were probably several qualified candidates that applied for this job, and I think it's reasonable to assume that some of them were more qualified than me.

It goes without saying that things are scary these days, and even those that aren't facing layoffs currently are still not completely safe from future layoffs. Job security is a thing of the past, and I don't think you can be too prepared to search for a new job at anytime. So, I wanted to share some things that I learned during this process.

1. Build A Network

Without question, I think the biggest factor to finding a new job these days is building a network. If you don't have a LinkedIn profile, create one now. If you do, add me if you haven't already. Keeping in touch with former colleagues, industry connections, and friends was absolutely instrumental in getting the interviews I did initially and, ultimately, my new job. It was the interview that got me my new position, but it was a recommendation from someone I interviewed with in August, someone that didn't even hire me, that got my foot in the door.

I heard on the news the other night that some position for an utilities company in Tacoma received over 1400 applications. I can guarantee you that the recruiter for that position did not look at every single one of those resumes. You can have a beautifully designed resume, a huge amount of relevant experience, and be the first one to apply for the job, and your resume may still not get noticed. However, if you can get your resume in the hands of someone in the company on the suggestion of someone that you mutually know, that will help you more than anything else. It certainly makes the recruiter's job easier; most recruiters or hiring managers will prefer to look over a resume that's recommended from someone they trust over sorting through tens or hundreds of unknown resumes. I would estimate that at least 40% of the interviews I went on were the result of working with someone in my network. To put it another way; I increased the number of interviews I had by 67% because of networking.

LinkedIn is the easiest way to maintain a network. This isn't a paid advertisement, just a strong recommendation. It's like Myspace or Facebook for professional purposes. The majority of my connections are friends or former colleagues, but each time I applied for a job, I would go through my connections to see if anyone I knew also knew someone at the company for which I was applying. If so, I would ask them to either send my resume to their connection and\or introduce me to their connection. In certain circumstances, if I made a good connection with someone I was interviewing, I would add them as a LinkedIn connection after the interview. I can give more suggestions on ways to use LinkedIn, but without a doubt, if you aren't actively using a LinkedIn profile, you are immediately at a disadvantage against anyone who is.

2. Continually Revise Your Resume

I've read and heard from various sources that you should tailor your resume each time you apply for a new job. I suppose that there must be some truth to that if so many people agree, but I believe you only have to do that to an extent. Many of the positions I applied for were very similar, so I didn't have to change it very often, but what I did do was create multiple versions of my resume when certain positions didn't fit.

The most common position I was applying for was an HR Generalist position, but I also applied for other similar positions that didn't share that job title. Both of these resumes were identical with one exception; in my objective, I mentioned that I my goal was a position as an HR Generalist or HR Professional, respectively. Aside from those positions, I also applied for a couple jobs in HRIS, the field of HR I was in with my previous employer. Because these positions required a different set of skills and experience, I revised my resume to highlight those qualities first. Finally, when I was at risk of running out of unemployment, I began applying for various non-HR jobs; that resume highlighted my experience in management or customer service over my HR experience. The point here is that you shouldn't expect your resume to fit each and every position you apply for. If you're applying for positions that have different job titles, you should at least have one resume for each.

More importantly, take the time to constantly reevaluate your resume, especially if you aren't getting a lot of responses from potential employers. I revised my resume no less than 6 times over the past couple of months. When I first started looking for jobs, my resume listed my experiences and accomplishments in terms of where I made the biggest impact. This resume was helpful in securing a couple of interviews for HRIS positions, but I was more interested in Generalist jobs. Once I revised my resume to list my accomplishments in terms of what was more relevant to Generalist positions, interest from potential employers was noticeably different. If you feel that your resume needs improvement, I'll certainly offer to look over any requests, but there are also many businesses, not to mention internet sites, that can also help with this.

3. Stay Positive

At times, this was the hardest part for me; loyal blog readers know how frustrated I've been during this process. I was luckier than others in that my frustration wasn't due to a lack of interest by employers; I know former colleagues who have had a lot less interview than I've had. For me, the frustration was due to coming close on many occasions but not quite making it all the way. It got easier to deal with after each rejection, but it never stopped being frustrating.

Aside from being rejected, there was also the frustration I got just from working out the bugs of finding a job. I was by no means a seasoned job searcher when I got laid off, and I made more than my fair share of mistakes along the way. I did everything from being overaggressive with my follow ups to being under-prepared for the interview to trying to shortcut my cover letter by copying and pasting a previous one yet forgetting to change the name of the company in the letter. It was hard enough trying to find a job; it only made it more frustrating that I was, at times, sabotaging myself.

I wrote a blog post several months back talking about the parallels between dating and finding a job. Even with the job I have now, I think the parallels are there. I didn't get this job because I tried something new; it was just a case of the timing being right, the chemistry being present, and the fact that both parties had something the other wanted. Rejection hurts, whether it's by a girl or by a recruiter (I can't say whether or not the rejection pain doubles if the recruiter is a girl, but I bet it would if they happened to be an ex-girlfriend) but in both situations, you're better off the sooner you stop wallowing in self-pity and get back out on the market. I believe in both situations that it's not the case of finding "the one"; it's about continually putting yourself in positions to find one of the many opportunities that fit for you. The refrain "it's not you, it's me" applies to both situations, and instead of dwelling on the fact that it doesn't work out, it's easier to concentrate on the fact that you're doing the right thing, it's just the wrong opportunity

(disclosure: I hate to get all mushy on you, but another parallel between dating and jobs is that, in both cases, I believe that I have the best of both worlds and have no plans on leaving either.)

There's definitely more to finding a job than those three points, but in my experience, those aspects were the most crucial to getting to the point I'm at today. I wouldn't have got this job if I didn't build and maintain the network that I have, and even though my network helped me get the interview, I don't know if I would have had the same result if I was still circulating my original resume. And I'm certain that if I didn't have the support of my family, my friends, and most importantly, my girlfriend, I don't know if I would have maintained the motivation I needed to keep going.

I'll check back in with an update once I start my new job. Until then, I'm going to enjoy these last few weeks of unemployment.

Trash cans and construction signs: beware.

......

2009-02-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, during my first interview in three months, I felt that I really hit it off with the HR Director of the company. Of course, this wasn't the first time I felt that way. I've been through several interviews already where I felt very good about the chance, and in some cases, that I had the job locked up. Being through all that, I've become progressively better at making sure I don't get too excited about opportunities until I know for sure. Anyways, during the interview, the HR Director was doing a great job of talking about what my experience would be "if" I got the job, but there was one instance where instead of "if", she used "when". As in "well, you'll see when you get there." Was it an interesting choice of words, or just another example of me reading too much into things? I played it off as the latter and disregarded it. At this point, I knew better.

......

I met with her again this past Monday, in addition to meeting with the rest of the team. I talked to the HR Manager for about 45 minutes, took a tour of the building, then met with the HR Director for another "chat". She let me do the talking, but at this point, I was fumbling for things to say. I wasn't sure how else I could sell myself to her, but did I need to? We talked about random stuff like communication preferences, our pets, the commute, etc. Then she asked me if I had any other questions. My response was some form of "I just really want this job." She laughed and said "I would hope so."

Then we started talking more details. Possible start dates. Time off. Compensation. I gave the company line about just wanting "fair market value based on the job and the skills I have to offer." She laughed again and said "we're gonna have to work on your negotiation skills."

I didn't want to get too excited, but I couldn't help but notice we were talking pretty casually about something that hadn't happened yet.

......

I left my job last May. Well, technically, the job left me. I mentioned before that I had an opportunity to stay, making a considerable amount more than I was when I left. I turned it down, thinking that I could find a job that I would enjoy much more for the same money. I never expected that search to last over 9 months.

I've been as close as having my references checked on multiple occasions, only to finish the runner up. So the fact that I was having my references checked this time didn't mean much to me. Been there, done that. I was cautiously optimistic about this chance, but heavy on the "cautiously" part. One of my references called me yesterday, letting me know that he thought it went really well. I got an email from the HR Director letting me know that she was still waiting to hear back from another references. She also mentioned that she wanted to get two reference checks in before getting back to me, not wanting to break the rules especially being in HR. The writing was on the wall, but still, I didn't allow myself to get too excited.

......

I got a phone call today. I've gotten several of these phone calls before. They've never ended well, but at this point, I was preparing myself for something different.

Over the past 24 hours, I've wondered about how to prepare myself for my first real salary negotiation in the event that I was offered the job. I know that there's usually a chance to counteroffer, but I couldn't help but think that I was missing a lot of leverage:

- I don't have a job right now. Already, I'm in a bad position to be asking for more money
- They have a very robust benefits package. With other companies, I could more easily negotiate a higher salary, but this company was bringing the goods.
- I don't have any other offers to use as leverage, and threatening to stay on unemployment wouldn't be very effective for either party.
- I've never been in this position before; it's essentially a promotional opportunity.
- I knew that, based on the position, any offer was going to be substantially more than what I made in my last job.

Nevertheless, given all that, I didn't want to leave money on the table if possible.

Anyways, it didn't take long for her to confirm what I was cautiously suspecting all along; she offered me the job. And, as irony would have it, it ended up being for the same amount that I turned down 9 months ago.

I'm not much for superstition, but I couldn't help to take it as a sign. I couldn't have accepted the offer fast enough. Negotiation be damned; this is not only the first offer I've had in over 9 months, but it easily blows away any other offer I would have received. Not only that, she's also working with me to help make sure I don't get negatively affected by missing a paycheck from starting so late, and she's also allowing me a bit of time off early on to take a brief vacation. This is everything I've been wanting for the past 9 months; giving her a counteroffer to maybe squeeze a thousand or two out of her seemed inconsequential at that point.

......

I have a job again. I should be dancing around the apartment, punching the air in excitement, but I'm surprisingly calm. Hell, I just got off the phone with her 40 minutes ago, and I've spent the whole time since then writing this post. I'll let loose tomorrow when I get drinks with my friends, but right now, I just feel relief.

During the interview, I mentioned how there were times I was unsure if I made the right decision turning down the offer with my last company. It was a lot of money, and as times got more desperate over the past couple of months, I fixated on that sole factor. But I told the HR Director that I still thought it was the right decision if it meant that I was available for opportunities like my new job. I made that choice back then because I felt it was the right one. I felt there was a better opportunity for me; I was only wrong on how long it would take to get it.

Of course, hindsight is always 20\20. My former company is doing layoffs again, even more massive than before. If I stayed on, I would have been let go this upcoming May anyways. I have a lot of friends that will be affected by this; I have to imagine that we all know someone at this point who's been laid off. It's a hard journey to go down. I've cried many times the past couple of months; I haven't cried that much since I got my DUI three years ago. But I tried my best, and with the help of many others, I stuck with it. I worked on my resume, I worked on my interviewing, I built up my network, but most importantly, I tried to stay positive. Just once, I only needed to all come together just once.

Finally, after nine months, it did. And I've never been more excited to go back to work in my life.

Thank you everyone who's supported me during this time. I'd hate to think how worse of I would have been without you.

Cheers.

Waiting Patiently

2009-02-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

I know some of you are, as am I. I haven't left you any updates about my last interview because the outcome is still unknown. At this point, I'm in the same position I've been in with previous opportunities: optimistic but not certain.

I hope to know more by the end of the week. Suffice it to say I'll follow up with an epic blog post, for better or for worse.

Stay tuned...

Nine Months, Without Labor

2009-02-03T00:32:00.000-08:00

I'd pretty much emotionally recovered from the Super Bowl by the time I woke up today. As emotionally invested as I was in the game, it didn't take me long to recover. Perhaps it's because football isn't my number one sport. I've been bummed out longer because of regular season Suns losses, especially ones against the Spurs. Not lately though; this year's Suns team is a mess. The victory tonight was good, but I wish we could have just won by two, and then retroactively applied those other 46 points to other losses. Why didn't they have this closed door meeting before the Spurs game the other night?

Tuesday marks a special anniversary, my 9th month of unemployment. I certainly never expected it to last this long. I've had my moments over the past couple months where I regretted turning down the offer to stay with my former company, but I'm absolutely positive now it was the right thing to do. They just announced today they're laying off another 7000 employees, including most if not all of the San Francisco office. I feel awful for my former boss, who sold her house and moved down there for her new job around Thanksgiving time. She was happy to move to California, but now, at this expense, I wonder if she still thinks it's worth it. Talked with a former co-worker about it today, no word yet if the rest of the Seattle employees who stuck around are affected, but my former boss's boss seems to think that they will. Talk about a clusterfuck of emotions in the past 12 months!

Anyways, given all that, I definitely made the right move. I've now had 9 months of experience of being on the market. As each day passes, there's potentially more and more competition for the declining number of jobs I'm seeing, many of those possibly more experienced than I am. But unlike them, I've honed in my interviewing and networking skills, and I'll have a chance to put those to the test Tuesday with my first in person interview in almost 3 months.

Talking about how good this opportunity is seems irrelevant; any job at this point is a good opportunity. With that said, this job has everything I had in mind when I was being more selective about my job search over the summer. It's funny to think that when I was first laid off, I limited my job search to jobs downtown so I didn't have to drive again. I've definitely broadened my search since then, and all I can do is hope that being that selective is some miraculous way of being available for a better opening now. Positive thinking, you know?

I actually had more to write about tonight, thought about the economy and this whole sense of the sky falling and what not, but I caught that last sentence I wrote and realized that's where I need to end this. I've got about 45 more minutes in me before I head to bed, and it's time to put that energy toward preparing for my interview. Chances like this are few and far between these days. Hopefully all of you are finding ways to stay positive as well.

Nothing Bittersweet About Today

2009-02-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I mentioned how I wouldn't "wuss out" and find solace in victory at the expense of another teams defeat just because my two favorite teams were in the Super Bowl. I chose to root for AZ over Pittsburgh based on the argument I laid out in my last post. What I realized at the end of this game was that the decision I made was not necessarily a conscious one but truthfully one that was made many years ago; I just did not realize it until today.

From an unbiased perspective, this was about as good as Super Bowls get. Amazing individual plays, a close game throughout, a result mostly untarnished by referee's bad calls, and a fourth quarter that kept anyone watching in suspense until there were 5 seconds left.

From a biased perspective, this game really hurts. For the most part, Pittsburgh outplayed AZ, but not in the way most expected. The Steelers' defense was ranked number one, and they showed on several occasions why that was, but they hardly shut down the Cardinals offense. At times, the Steelers' D was in control, but the Cardinals kept this game close not because of a few fluke offensive plays, but instead due to a determined effort to stick with the game plan, and constant effort that resulted in long scoring drives on two of the three touchdowns. Instead, it was the Steelers offense that had its way with the Cardinals defense that I found unexpected.

The fact that Santonio Holmes one MVP is almost as disgusting as the final result. He easily ranks No. 4, behind Big Ben, James Harrison, and Kurt Warner in a losing effort, in my book at least. James Harrison absolutely should have been the MVP of this game, and not just because of the INT. In fact, that ended up being less of a momentum killer than I feared. Aside from that amazing play, he initiated at least two holding penalties on Mike Gandy that absolutely killed the Cardinals' scoring drives, and overall continually interrupted the Cardinals offense. Big Ben was no slouch either; his footwork and poise in the pocket kept alive at least two of the Steelers' scoring drives. He killed the Cardinals with his feet as much as his arm.

Nevertheless, there is no solace in a valiant effort or a hard game played. The Cardinals were within 1 minute of the unbelievable, but in the end, they lost to the better team. The Cardinals were opportunistic and made plays when they had to, but this game ended up coming down to who made the fewest mistakes, and unquestionably, that was the Steelers.

When I said that I wouldn't gloat in a victory by the Steelers, despite them being a team that I've rooted for longer than any other, I thought that was going to be more lip service than anything else. What caught be by surprise more than anything else was how easily and how passionately I was rooting for the Cardinals.

I watched the game at a friend's place, one of those Super Bowl parties where most of the people there were just around because it was party rather than because of an interest in the actual game. In fact, during the last 3 minutes of the 4th quarter, I'm fairly certain I was the only one actually paying attention to the game. But throughout the night, my loyalty to the Cardinals was obvious. Despite the lack of team attire, I dressed up in as much red clothing as possible, and my cheers easily dominated the room whenever I spoke up. I've never considered myself to be an unabashedly raucous fan, but in juxtaposition to the rest of those in attendance, a stranger would have easily considered me a "meathead" based on my enthusiasm compared to the rest. And it was in this enthusiasm that I made a realization.

The Arizona Cardinals are my favorite NFL team.

It's easy to make that statement in victory, so I hope that such a declaration in defeat only adds credence to it. When the Cardinals were up with less than two minutes to spare, it wasn't just that I was cheering for the, it was the passion with which I was. I made a comment to a friend that she shouldn't be surprised if I shed a couple tears if this lead holds up, and that was the truth. In the bathroom after the game, I took a little bit of time to compose myself because I was more distraught than I expected I would be. Caught up in the emotion, I sent a message to a fellow Cardinals fan declaring I renounced my rights as a Steelers fan. Perhaps that is a little bit shortsighted but the essence of the message is true.

I'll continue to cheer on the Steelers when there is no conflict. Next year, if they reach the Super Bowl and wind up facing the Eagles or the Vikings or by some miracle the Lions, there will be no doubt who I am rooting for. They've always been one of my two favorite teams, but tonight, I realized that they're not my number one team.

Even though I purposefully left the Phoenix area almost for years ago, even though every time I go back feels more foreign than the last visit, I still feel a connection to the place. For better or for worse, no matter how much time passes, it is and will always be home. There's a certain feeling of comfort I feel whenever I go back. And as a Phoenix native, I know just how much this loss stings, because I'm feeling it too.

I always declared the Steelers my number one team despite the overwhelming evidence against that. I have no actual ties to the city of Pittsburgh, I don't stay current with Steelers news as often as I do with the Cardinals, and I don't feel the same emotions during there games as much as I do with AZ. My emotions during the Steelers victory over the Seahawks three years ago, a game which my loyalties were never in question despite living in Seattle and being surrounded by Steelers fans, were never intense as they were during those moments in the 4th quarter where victory for the Cardinals was imminent, and certainly not as intense as the let down when the game was finally over.

It is just a game, and even shortly after the game, I was able to move past my sadness, but to say I'm completely over the game is false. I'm still stewing over it, over what could have been, and the reason for that is because, whether I was willing to admit it or not, I was waiting for this moment for 20 years. I declared myself a Steelers fan out of tradition, out of family heritage, but there's no denying that I have a stronger connection with the Cardinals, for that is my hometown, my tradition.

Perhaps, one day, I might be able to find a little bit of satisfaction in the fact that the Steelers won, rather than the Ravens or the Colts or the Chargers, but tonight, make no mistake: I feel the same deflation that everyone back in Phoenix feels because I am an AZ Cardinals fan just like you, I have been all this time. I just didn't fully realize it until today.

(BTW I wrote this after at least 10, maybe 11 beers. I should drink and write more often.)

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

2009-01-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

After finishing the half-marathon, I was certainly sore but surprisingly not very tired. One would figure that the events of the past 48+ hours (lack of sleep, running 13.1 miles in the Phoenix Sun, etc.) would drain me but I still had a lot of energy left. Not enough to run even another three feet, but enough that I was pretty sure I was going to last long enough to catch the Cardinals & Steelers games that night.

I don't see a need to go into details about the rest of the day, I'm pretty sure anyone reading this knows what happened. Suffice to say that Sunday the 18th was a day that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. If someone would have told me, even a month ago, that on the same day I would finally achieve my on-again, off-again goal over the past 5 years of running a half-marathon, not only would the Arizona Cardinals make it to the Super Bowl, but they would also be playing the Steelers, I would have labeled you crazy or thought you were Daniel Faraday from Lost.

I mentioned a couple posts ago about how a Cardinals-Steelers Super Bowl was a potential conflict for me. One is a team that I have cheered on for as long as I've known what a football was, the other is a team that I follow more closely than any other NFL team. One team has been our family's team for arguably three generations, the other is my hometown's team. I've managed to maintain my loyalties for each team because there's never been a conflict before. They're in different conferences, only one could be considered a winning team over the past 20 years, and even in the rare seasons where they played a regular season game against each other, the two teams were headed in opposite directions so the outcome really didn't have much impact on either team. Now, I'm forced to make a choice.

I'm not going to wuss out and take the easy road, "Oh, I win either way because it's my two favorite teams." That's chicken shit. I won't be able to just sit there and cheer for every play the whole game because, either way, it's good for me. Some will argue that you can't be loyal to two different teams, but I think it depends on the teams. You can't be loyal to, say, the Suns and the Spurs, or the Yankees and the Mets. They can't be despised rivals of each other. But in my case, I think it's fine to maintain loyalties, but when it counts, you have to pick a side. And, honestly, it didn't take long for me to understand who I would be rooting for. In fact, it was pretty much a no-brainer.

I know of a couple readers will probably call "Blasphemy!" on this, but I doubt there's many of you that can understand my position on this. The other Steeler fans in my family are probably also sentimental to the Cardinals, but they didn't have the experience that I had. They've had years to develop their loyalty to Pittsburgh before even having to think about a football team in AZ; they were Steelers fans before they even moved to Phoenix. I grew up to be a Steelers fan at a wee young age, but I was maybe only a fan for 2-3 years tops before Phoenix got a team. All of us may be both Steelers & Cardinals fans, but for me, especially considering Phoenix is my hometown, the disparity between my loyalties is a lot slimmer than anyone else's.

Furthermore, I've been lucky enough to see the Steelers win a Super Bowl in my lifetime. Those fans only loyal to the Steelers certainly want to see them win every year no matter what, but for me, I rather see the Cardinals win the Super Bowl for the first time ever than to see the Steelers win for the second time in three years. The way each organization is run, I think it's a stronger possibility to see the Steelers make multiple trips to the SB, but this may be Arizona's only chance. I'd much rather root for a once in a lifetime event than a twice in a decade event.

Finally, as an Arizona native, I understand what a Cardinals victory represents. Validation of those 20+ years of being the laughingstock of the league. A championship that feels earned, not rented like the Diamondbacks' World Series win. As sweet as that was, the D-Backs were only around for 5 years, hardly long enough to feel a strong connection with the team. On the other hand, the Cardinals are essentially synonymous with losing, but for 20 years, there have been thousands of fans agonizing over each season, wondering when it was going to end. For Steelers fans, the playoffs are an expectation every year, but for Cardinals fans, getting to the playoffs surpasses our expectations. Cardinals fans need something to make the past 20 years of misery worth it.

So, on Sunday, even though I don't have a single piece of Cardinals attire, I'll be wherever I'm going to watch the Super Bowl rooting as hard as I can for them to shock the world one more time. I'm sure that some day down the road, if the Steelers should win, I'll be able to find solace in that, but on Sunday, a Steelers win is going to sting a lot more then a Steelers loss would. I've had my moment as a Steelers fan, and I'm sure I'll have another chance in the future. And no matter what, I'll continue to be a Steelers fan first, even if it's by the slightest of margins. But this Sunday, I've only got room in my heart for one team (wow, that sounds kinda gay but I'll leave it anyways).

Go Cardinals!

Champion Of The Sun

2009-01-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

5:45am, Sunday morning. I was awake. In less than 3 hours, I was supposed to run my first half-marathon.

At least I was able to get a good night's sleep.

It took me about a half-hour to fall asleep the night before, but for the first time in 36 hours, I was finally asleep. I woke up a couple times during the night but not enough to keep me awake. When my alarm finally went off, I woke up right away, feeling completely refreshed and ready to run.

We got to the race about 20 minutes before the start, but because the race started in waves, we weren't going to actually start until almost an hour from then. Once we finally got in our position, I wasn't really nervous about anything. I had no idea what to expect, but at least I had a good attitude about it. Any worries I had about being the last person to finish were quickly subsided when I saw A) the waves of people behind me and B) the guy in front of me inexplicably starting the race with his plastic bag of swag from the expo the day before. If I couldn't finish before THAT guy, then maybe I had something to worry about.

We finally took off just a little bit before 9am, but it wasn't long before I'd need to take my first stop of the race.

I had to pee.

I won't spare you the suspense; I finished the race. However, I'm officially shaving about 10 minutes off of my final time because I had to wait so long for the restroom. The girl standing in our line wasn't moving, letting people from other lines cut in front of her when the stalls in our vicinity opened up. Turns out she was waiting for another stall that wasn't out of toilet paper. By the time we figured this out, we finally found another stall to go into, but that was 10 minutes wasted that I shouldn't be held accountable for.

With nature's call out of the way, we got back on course and headed down McDowell for the longest straightaway of the race. My goal was to make it 4 miles without having to take a rest. I probably could have done more if I needed to, but with the uncertainty of such a long race ahead, I really needed to pace myself. I was feeling good though, really enjoying myself. When we got to the water tables at the 5k marker, my exuberance got the best of me as I tried to jump-kick my water cup into the trash can. Not a good idea; I started feeling a slight strain in my left knee immediately afterward. I toughed it out until the 4 mile marker, where we took a break to walk the next mile.

I stopped just before the 5 mile marker for some stretching and a photo-op (pictures later) before picking up the pace again. Miles 5-7 were probably the best miles; I hit what might have been my runner's high and actually picked up my pace. I was feeling great, pumping my fists at drivers by, and sprinting past any slow pokes in my way.

Between miles 7 and 8, we found my parents, my sister and my niece on the street cheering us on. It was great to see them; I felt like I was starting to hit a wall, but their support at least gave me an extra mile of running. I tried to act like a bad-ass and flicked my wristband at them as a souvenir but nearly hit the woman standing next to them instead.

We planned to stop at mile 9 for our next walking break, but when we hit the water table halfway between, we stopped early. I was starting to feel that familiar pain in my toe, but worse, I was starting to hit a wall mentally. I felt like I could get past any physical pain as long as I stayed strong mentally. But, since we were walking for the water break anyways, it felt like it made sense to just start walking then.

We ended up walking about a mile and a half to the 10 mile marker, at which point EVERYTHING started hurting. Toe, arches, back, hips, thighs, knees, everything. Not all at once though; it was like each part was taking turns being painful. To make matters worse, my body must have thought that it was time to rest. I don't blame it either; I'd never gone this distance before, and I'd probably be ready to rest too at that point. When it came time to start up running again, my body was having none of it. The pain kept going, so I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it for another 3 miles.

I can't really say what it was that got me the final 3 miles. I did stop to walk briefly just after the 12 mile marker, when we went from the shade of an underpass back into the 77 degree heat of the sun. I could have walked the rest and no one would have been ashamed, but I talked myself into one last mile. I was sore, thirsty and mentally tired, but the one thing that kept me going was that I was somehow still having fun, as sick as that sounds.

For the finish line, Wac and I had a cutesy couples picture planned, where I would cross the finish line triumphantly holding my fist in the air, holding her back with my other arm as I beat her across. It all sounded hilarious when we planned it, but at that point in the race, I didn't care about hilarious. I cared about resting. We tried to get a picture of us holding hands into the finish line, but we dropped our hands just before the camera snapped. And all of a sudden, I was finished.

The end was rather anti-climactic. I didn't expect trumpets blaring or an arena of fans cheering me on, but after running for over 3 hours and then just stopping, it didn't seem as glorious as I anticipated. We walked over for the obligatory post race picture with out medals, grabbed some free food and electrolyte drinks, and caught up with my family.

I'm not necessarily proud of my 3:15 time (minus 10 for the stupid toilet paper chick) as I am of the fact that I made it across that finish line. For someone like me, who's been overweight for most of my life, without much motivation to improve my fitness level, just crossing that line represented a milestone. It took me almost 5 years after I initially set out to do this, but I can officially say that I am now a half-marathoner.

And as weird as that sounds, that wasn't even the craziest thing that happened that day.

To be concluded...

The Catch-22 Of Unemployment

2009-01-23T13:41:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with the recruiter of another opportunity I missed out on. Ugh. Opportunity. Sorry, I can't help but write in HR speak when it comes to jobs. I have been keeping in contact with her over the past couple of months about a open job they had. Despite the fact that the job responsibilities were identical to many I had in my last job (mostly the ones I didn't care for), I was still very much interested in this job. One, I definitely was qualified for it. Two, the pay would be decent. Three, even though it wasn't where I wanted to be exactly, it was with a very strong company, and I held out the chance that I could enjoy the same position more with a different company.

She sent me an email on Monday, telling me the HR equivalent of "too bad, so sad." I sent her an email the same night telling her the HR equivalent of "are you fucking serious?" She replied the next morning offering to call me today to explain the decision. In all honesty, she's been the most enjoyable recruiter to talk to over the past 8 months, and there was a slight tone in her email that suggested this wasn't solely her decision and that she was on my side.

We talked briefly today, and she said the decision came down to the fact that they felt that, while I was certainly qualified for the position, it would be a bit of a step down for me, and there wouldn't be much movement out of the position for quite a while. They consider the position to be a step up for the other candidates they are pursuing, meaning it is less likely that they will look to move out of the position over the next two years.

I certainly understand their decision as there is a bit of truth to it. It's not exactly where I want to be, and I've become so career-oriented these days that I would certainly be looking to move ahead at every opportunity. But I can't help but laugh at the situation.

I've been told left and right that I'm very qualified for the positions I'm applying for, just not quite as qualified as the other guy. Now, I'm being told that I'm very qualified for this position, in fact, a bit too qualified.

Fuck it, I'm just gonna go deliver pizzas from now on.

(oh wait, my car isn't running)

(shit)

The Day That Never Ends

2009-01-22T14:55:00.000-08:00

I'm still not sure what to make of this past weekend, so I'll have to write about it in parts. Suffice to say Sunday was a day I'll never forget.

......

This story starts Friday night. Ideally, we should been on a plane to Phoenix, but we had a party to attend. A joint celebration; one friend was turning 25, the other was moving to Vegas. We partied as much as we could, sans alcohol, but 10:30pm was as far as we could go. We had to be up in less than 8 hours for our scheduled flight to Sky Harbor.

After a quick stop at Dick's for an unnecessary burger, we finally settled into bed around 11:30pm. I mentioned in my last post that one of my main concerns was how much of a factor my sleep schedule during the week would be. I don't know if my concern was a precursor to what would happen or the actual cause of what did, but either way, I was awake again barely an hour after I laid to rest. And for that hour, I was more just really tired than I was actually asleep.

I laid in bed for almost three hours. Anytime I felt close to falling asleep, my body found some way to keep me awake. I finally threw in the towel and just went with what my body was telling me. I put in a movie (side note: I totally forgot how gratuitously vulgar Die Hard was) and waited for Wac to wake up.

We waited to catch the first bus, which was arriving at 6am, to take us downtown to catch the second bus for the airport. When I looked at the schedule, I thought we had about 5 minutes to transfer. Somehow, I was wrong. When we got to the second bus stop, we realized we were somehow 5 minutes too late. Waiting in 30 degree weather for 25 minutes in the darkness of downtown Seattle at 6:30am is just as unpleasant as it sounds. Maybe more. Probably more.

We got to the airport with about 50 minutes before our flight left. I've never flown at the break of dawn on a Saturday, but I didn't expect the TSA lines to be as long as they were. We were already stressed from the commute thus far, and it didn't help that I thought we were in a terminal that we would have to take a shuttle too. Missing our flight was a serious concern. Luckily, I was wrong about the terminal; we were actually only steps from the security checkpoint, giving us time to hit up Starbucks before we boarded the plane. Finally, I'd be able to relax and get some much needed sleep on the plane.

Yeah, right. I couldn't sleep on a plane from Amsterdam despite being up for almost 24 hours after trying unsuccessfully to sleep on a metal table in customs in a snowed in airport. How could I expect to get sleep now? Somehow, I zoned out for an hour before waking up again, but much like the hour of sleep I got at home, calling it sleep makes it seem like a lot more than it really was. Something along the lines of daydreaming is more like it.

Despite the lack of decent sleep, I landed in Arizona wide awake. This was probably the best thing for me. The most I could hope for at this point was to stay awake all day and get enough sleep for the run Sunday morning. Falling asleep anytime before then increased the chances that A) I wouldn't get enough sleep and B) that I'd be wide awake all night right before the run. Our hosts for the weekend, my good friends Mark & Becky, picked us up and we all headed to YC's for some Mongolian BBQ.

After lunch, we headed to the Expo to pick up our race numbers and weave our way through the hordes of people and various merch booths. When we finally got back to the house, I was exhausted. I could have fallen asleep then, but I knew I shouldn't. We had less than two hours before meeting my family for dinner. Wac wanted to kill the time by meeting up some friends from Seattle at a nearby Starbucks. I was grumpy and couldn't understand why we were trying so hard to catch up with friends who live not even a mile away from us, but it ended up being the best idea since I probably would have fallen asleep if we stayed.

We got to Starbucks, and that's when the delirium started setting in. I wasn't hallucinating like I've done before when deprived of sleep, but I had a hard time focusing on what was going on. I had a sense of melancholy and I felt like I was speaking a language of nonsense, but somehow I actually managed to hold a conversation.

Our visit with our Seattle friends was brief since we had to drive out for dinner with my family. This was basically our Christmas gathering since I couldn't make it during the actual holiday. I was still a bit out of sorts from the lack of sleep, but the combination of eating, throwing peanut shells on the floor, and having everyone around woke me up again. When we left the restaurant, I was seriously concerned about falling asleep again, even though I was essentially awake for 36 consecutive hours.

We finally made it back to Mark and Becky's place by 10pm. I laid in bed, trying to fall asleep. I almost made it a couple times, only to somehow wake up again. I knew I needed to sleep, but I was having a hard time getting my body to fully relax.

If I didn't fall asleep, there was no way I was going to be able to run 13.1 miles in the morning.

To be continued...

The Last Run

2009-01-16T01:08:00.000-08:00

The next time I go for a run, it'll be the Phoenix Half Marathon on Sunday.

......

I got my final run in before the race tonight, a nearly 3 mile run around Greenlake. I'm still not as serious about running as someone who did three half marathons and one full marathon last year, but considering we were out running in 34 degree weather, I guess I've become more serious than I give myself credit for.

About a half mile in, I picked up the pace from what I'm normally used to, and I was able to sustain it for almost the rest of the loop, save for a minute or two where I slowed back down to work out some stomach cramps. I've run longer distances before, but considering my pace, I think this was my best run yet. And in three days, I'll try to quadruple that distance, and then some.

After the run, we stopped by a nearby running store that was doing free consultations with physical therapists. I've been experiencing some pain in my sore toe lately, nearly any time I get beyond three miles. That's the main reason I haven't done more than a 5 mile run during my training; I don't want to ruin my toe before the race. The therapist thought my shoes were a little less supportive than they could be, but I don't have the money for new shoes at this point. She also encouraged stretching and replacing my insoles, which I'll do tomorrow when I have my debit card with me.

......

I've tried to get on a consistent sleep schedule before the race, but it's been anything but. My bedtimes the past couple of days have been 6am, 2am, and then there's the night I went to bed at 10:30, woke up at 3am, and didn't go back to bed until 9:30am. I'm not used to getting up early, let alone running in the morning, so I'm a bit nervous about how that's going to impact me.

I'm also nervous about the race in general. I feel like I'll be able to put forth a good effort for 6-7 miles, but I'm going to be doing something I've never even come close to doing before. Having Wac with me is definitely going to help; I doubt I'd be able to keep my focus mentally without her there. The closest I've come to running for 2.5 to 3 hours is playing basketball, but that's a different energy and not the same thing as what I'm about to do. Nevertheless, I know that I'll need to use that as a motivation tool down the home stretch.

The thing I'm most nervous about is really hurting myself. The toe problem is one thing, but also just hurting my knee or my back or something else. I'm worried about it because if I end up doing too much damage, I lack health insurance to see anyone about it. I know that I'll want to give my full effort during the run but I also need to stay start and take it easy if I feel something wrong.

......

The first time I started training for a marathon, I went running with Carrie around the McClintock High track sometime in February 2004. I couldn't even do a single lap around the track without stopping to catch my breath, and had to resort to running only the straight-aways. When I finally gave up my training sometime that June, I maxed my distance out at just over 3 miles, and I did that only once. There were weeks where I was consistently running 3-4 days, yet in 4 months, I only increased my distance by 2 miles.

I definitely feel much better than I did at any point in my training 5 years ago. Getting out and starting with a 3 mile run is nothing for me at this point. I definitely have room to improve my pace, but running something like Greenlake, a loop that I couldn't run without pausing just a couple of months ago, is a casual run these days.

It took me 5 years to finally get to this point: to find the motivation (or motivator) to keep me from putting off this goal, to finally get myself in a physical condition to make a half-marathon a possibility, and the constant realization that I actually enjoy doing this (although I might be singing a different tune when I'm done). I'm not as ready as I should be, but I'm ready enough.

I think.

Conflict Resolution

2009-01-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

Growing up in Arizona in the 80's was a strange time for me in terms of sports. Until 1988, there was only one major sports franchise in the state, the Suns. So when I started following different sports, I started following different teams for various reasons.

In the NBA, following the Suns seemed like a no-brainer choice, but I do remember a short period of time where I was a fan of the Blazers or the Celtics before the Suns. Calling myself a fan of either team falls short of what I really was (I could only name one player between the two teams, and I'm sure you can guess who. Hint: he was white). I like the Celtics because my sister gave me a pennant of theirs, and I liked the Blazers because I thought TrailBlazers was a cool name. Even though I was immediately hooked to the Suns once I saw them in person the first time, I remember that my loyalty wasn't 100% right away. I remember after one of my first games getting a Blazers hat at the merch booth. I remember my dad being disappointed, so I must have bought it myself with some report card money or something. Looking back on that now, I think two things: One, if my Dad would have slapped me right there, I would have totally understood and Two, what the hell were the Suns doing selling other team's merch at their game? Anyways, I came to my senses during the 1990 playoffs (especially considering the Blazers eliminated us in the WCF on our home floor) and became a diehard Suns fan since.

......

Baseball was a little bit different. Even after I picked a favorite team and player, it took me a while to understand certain parts of the game. Especially ERA. For some reason, it took me a couple years to figure out how that was calculated. I knew what good and bad ERAa where but I didn't know how they were figured out.

Anyways, I didn't start following baseball by watching the game, I followed it through trading cards. I first started collecting basketball cards, then football, and then finally baseball. And I started collecting them around the same time that Ken Griffey Jr's rookie card was the hottest card around. I was never lucky to have my own, but I started following him, and subsequently, the Mariners. I got to know other players on the team (Buhner, Edgar, Tino, Randy, Cora, a young A-Rod), and I have vivid memories of following the Mariners-Yankees scores on the ESPN tracker during SportsCenter; I couldn't see the game, but I would sit there and just watch the updates.

When Griffey got traded to the Reds, I felt that I had become too invested in the Mariners as a team to all of a sudden become a Reds fan. So I stuck with the team, beyond their "glory years" of the 90's, into the Ichiro era and still to this day. But during that time, Arizona got a team of their own. Not only did I finally have a hometown team to root for, but just by being in Arizona, it was naturally easier to follow them. I read about the D-Backs more often, I could see them in person more frequently, and they were on TV a lot more than the Mariners. So my loyalties were split. Luckily for me, there's rarely been a conflict since they're in separate leagues. I've never been in the position of having to pick a side in a Mariners\D-Backs World Series.

.......

Phoenix got a football team early in my childhood. Unfortunately for us, it was the St. Louis Cardinals. Even during the Neil Lomax days, they still sucked. But they were the hometown team, so I still followed them. From Aeneas Williams to Garrison Hearst to Buddy Ryan. During the brief moment where Joe Montana thought about signing with us to the "glory years" AKA the Jake Plummer era, where we actually won a playoff game on the road against what qualified as our most hated rival, the Cowboys. When I was in high school, I was really into collecting autographs, and during a couple summers, I would camp outside the Cardinal's practice facility waiting for the players to arrive for practice. Players would recognize us and sometimes give us shit for wasting our time each day for autographs (it's ridiculous how I was compelled to collect as many autographs from Larry Centers as I did). I followed the team, still do to this day, but I've never fully considered them my number one team.

You see, I was raised a Steelers fan. It was one of the two sports allegiances I picked up from my dad (the other being the Philadelphia Flyers, but I've never been much of a hockey fan). My brother, despite being born in Jersey, became a Steelers fan presumably the same way I did. Football was the earliest sport I remember watching, and as a young, impressionable kid, it was inevitable that the Steelers became my team. Even when the Cardinals moved into town, we were still a Steelers household. But I've been able to be a fan for both teams because it's never really been a conflict. The Steelers are perennial contenders, the Cardinals almost always suck. I get the glory of being a Steelers fan and the agony of being a Cardinals fan, and there's never been a problem with that.

Not yet, at least.

......

One of my favorite writers, Chuck Palahniuk, wrote a book about a decade ago called Survior. It's been a long time since I've read it, long enough to forget the plot, but I remember one scene takes place at the Super Bowl, where the Colts beat the Cardinals for the title. I also remember reading in an interview where Palahniuk said that he chose those two teams for the Super Bowl because he asked a friend "What are the two least likely teams to ever be in the Super Bowl?"

Nearly 10 years later, the unlikely may just actually happen.

As a Steelers fan, we've reached that level where anything short of a Super Bowl appearance feels like a disappointment. There's no solace in just getting to the playoffs or even just winning a playoff game. Championship or bust.

But for Cardinals fans, this is uncharted territory. Winning the NFC West title, despite the fact it's the worst division, is a success. Hosting a playoff game is a landmark. Defeating the Panthers on the road? That game felt like our Super Bowl in a way. And, yet, there's still a chance that we get to the real one.

The Arizona Cardinals are one win away from the Super Bowl.

It just doesn't seem real, no matter how many times I read that.

And, without getting too far ahead of myself, I might find myself having to decide between allegiances for the first time. The crazy notion of a Steelers-Cardinals Super Bowl is no longer crazy, it's a strong possibility. Both teams have scary opponents in the Ravens and Eagles, but at the same time, both teams are scary right now too.

I'm not going to have the chance to catch the Cardinals game, although I'll be in Phoenix killing myself in my first half-marathon. Afterwards, even though I'll be dead-tired if not dead, I'll drag myself to the bar to catch the Steelers game. This might be the last weekend where I can watch both of my teams without having a conflict.

And after this weekend, I'm really hoping I'll have to face that conflict.

On The Matter Of Kids

2009-01-09T01:03:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago, Wac mentioned that one of her friends was pregnant again. My initial response was "Wow, that sucks."

Reason being, this friend had been trying for a long time to get pregnant, and when it finally happened, she was rewarded with the miracle of having twins. Although she was undoubtedly ecstatic to finally be a mother, it's been a tough situation for the family. They recently bought a condo in a neighborhood just north of Seattle, but the condo is already looking pretty small for the twins. Trying to sell the place and move into a bigger one is going to be really tough, if not impossible. In addition, although she and her husband both have jobs, she works as a teacher; not exactly a top paying job. They've been struggling a bit financially trying to juggle two newborns, and in less than nine months, they'll have a third. Of course, she's excited about having another baby, but I can't help but think about how difficult of a situation that family is in.

For the record, I like kids. I prefer kids once they're a year old or more (I've had two people close to me have kids in the past 12 months but I'm still too uncomfortable to "hold the baby".) Likewise, I certainly prefer the fact that these kids are someone else's. I'd said for years that there should be an organization that allows you to rent babies and kids; you get to enjoy all the goofy and cute stuff but return them when they get annoying or become a hassle.

For several years, I always thought I'd have kids. If I had settled into a long term relationship sooner, perhaps I'd already be a father now. But as each year passes, any desire to be a father gets weaker and weaker. When I think of having kids, I can't help but imagine the financial obligations, the time commitments, the frustration that goes along with it. I know there's certainly plenty of wonderful aspects of having kids, and I'm sure they don't compare to anything else in the world. I'm sure fatherhood is a wonderful thing, but inevitably, it means giving up another wonderful thing: the freedom to do whatever I want. Freedom to go out to dinner, to go to bars, to travel the world, to go running, to sleep in, etc. There's still too many things I want to do in this world, and it's already hard enough trying to accomplish those with so much debt, on such little income. I've been striving hard to work out those problems, I just don't have the desire to get those burdens back because I want a child.

Ultimately, I may not have a choice. Sometimes, those things seem to just appear out of nowhere despite all efforts to prevent it. If that ever does occur, I'll certainly embrace the little guy (or girl) without a single ounce of regret or disappointment. But, as long as I have the choice...I'd much rather prefer to live vicariously through other people's kids.

Besides, we have these two little fuckers to worry about as it is. They're pretty much like kids already:

A Christmas Recap in Bullets

2008-12-31T14:48:00.000-08:00

Thursday, Dec 18th:

- Fell on my ass walking back from the bar. Mostly blame the ice. Partially blame the beer. Need to finish packing for flight tomorrow.

Friday, Dec 19th:

- Walk a mile+ on icy sidewalks with luggage to bus tunnel downtown to head to airport. City is shut down due to snow, and this wasn't even the worse they'd see.

- Get into Burbank about 90 minutes late after delay in Oakland. What a shitty airport. Both of them.

- Get my fill of potato balls at Cuban bakery in Burbank. Awesome as always.

Saturday, Dec 20th:

- Wake up early for trip to Disneyland with friends. First time there in almost 20 years. Wac is meeting me there; haven't seen her in almost a week.

- Get in most of the rides we wanted to, including Indiana Jones at the last moment. Star Tours is horribly outdated.

- Too tired to fall asleep, shoot the shit with Nick until 2am.

Sunday, Dec 21st:

- Head to sports bar with Nick to catch football games. Fantasy teams still not doing well. $120 down the drain this year.

- Buzzed enough to think surprising Kristin at work is funny. Probably just looked like a big dork.

- Domino's Pizza for dinner. Haven't had the D since diabetes diagnosis. Reminds me I'm not missing much.

Monday, Dec 22nd:

- Wake up at 10am, then again at 1pm. Different state, same sleep schedule

- Walk to In N Out for lunch. How I missed you, double-double.

- Get my first run in of the trip, a 4.2 miler. Much easier than anticipated.

Tuesday, Dec 23rd:

- Take the train from Burbank to LA, then to Ontario.

- Catch up with Wac again, try not to catch her cold.

- Fuddruckers is dinner for the first time in years. Hands down, still the best onion rings around.

Wednesday, Dec 24th:

- Get up early enough to make a couple batches of salsa for the dinner. Lots of pressure, making salsa for a Latino family.

- Finally dawns on me that Wac's dad is drunk. Was wondering why he was so funny all of a sudden.

- Time to open gifts. Many shirts from my parents, some slippers and a Best Buy gift card from Wac's parents. Secret Santa gift is a beanie with ear flaps.

Thursday, Dec 25th:

- Phone is dying, send out mass text messages to non-family. Hate to do it but best way of communicating considering phone.

- Call family for Christmas. Sorry Laurie, haven't entered your number yet & didn't show when you called since phone was turned off. I owe you a call.

- Watch a couple Holiday classics: Nacho Libre & There Will Be Blood.

- Head over to Wac's sister's place to stay. Take on her BIL at Guitar Hero. Last year he could beat me on Medium. This year, my Expert skills slay him. He is humbled.

Friday, Dec 26th:

- Take a shopping trip to Ontario Mills Mall. Stop by In N Out, Starbucks, and Best Buy on the way. We had gift cards for all these places but either forgot them or, in the case of Best Buy, didn't want to use them.

- Stop by Virgin Megastore's going out of business sale. 50%-70% off their outrageously high prices isn't much of a deal.

- Wac picks me up some sweet running shirts at Nike Outlet store. Thanks!

Saturday, Dec 27th:

- BIL's family shows up unexpectedly, for me at least. Awkward moment is diffused by focusing on Guitar Hero.

- Celebrate Wac's cousin's husband's birthday with dinner at Applebee's. A burger in a quesadilla is a ridiculous idea and only sort of tasty. Head to Best Buy again to buy nothing again.

Sunday, Dec 28th:

- Catch some football scores, enough to confirm that I sucked at Fantasy Football this year.

-Try to run 6.5 miles. Made it 4 miles on a pretty tough course before calling it quits due to toe injury. Toe still kinda hurts as I write this.

- Head to Wac's parents again for some tamales. Step away for a bit for more shopping. Noticing a pattern here yet?

- Dinner is Little Caesar's for the first time in eons. Crazy bread wasn't as good as I remembered but pizza was actually pretty awesome, especially for price.

Monday, Dec 29th:

- The long journey home. We say our goodbyes then head to Wac's parents for a ride to the airport. Get to the airport way too early, but a necessity as her parents are often slow getting ready. This time, they were ready.

- Didn't realize plane stopped in Vegas until we were at the gate. We seriously debated the option of just getting off in Vegas and catching another flight some other time. If we had more money we probably would have.

- Have to take a $40 cab ride from airport home. Our friends are great but understandably unwilling to pick us up on a Monday night at Midnight.

- Arrive home to find the apartment and cats in surprisingly good condition, aside from the fucking claw marks they put on my brand new poker table. Still totally usable but would've like to at least get one game in before they start to destroy it.

Happy New Year everyone.

All I Want To Know Is...

2008-12-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Why does swiss cheese taste like ass when it's cold and solid, but tastes so awesome when it's melted?

I guess it'll always be one of life's great mysteries.

Suns Talk

2008-12-12T03:06:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen a single Suns game this year. I don't have cable or enough money to camp out at the bar across the way when the game is on. So I haven't been able to witness the Suns struggles firsthand or second hand. All I know about this season in in the numbers: stats, standings & scores.

Suffice to say, this season isn't what Suns fans are used to. No 130 point games, no fast breaks at every opportunity, no Seven Seconds Or Less offense. Personally, I've been fine with that. As fun and enjoyable as those teams were to watch, I don't know if they were ever championship quality teams. Move past Robert Horry's body check, past Joe Johnson's broken face, past Amare's knee and Raja's ankle, beyond the "only ifs" and the "woulda, coulda, shouldas". We were certainly close, but during those years, I don't know if we ever get past San Antonio. And last year, with Shaq or Marion, I don't think we get past LA or Boston.

We've certainly made some changes, the biggest being Marion for Shaq. I support the idea of the trade more than the results. Our low-post defense was getting killed in the playoffs, so we shipped off Marion who, as much as I miss him sometimes, is nothing more than the ultimate role player just past his prime, but with the attitude of a superstar. I don't know if I completely blame him; we were certainly paying him superstar money. But we had to make a trade, and he was our most tradeable asset (Nash and Amare were staying, and no one was taking Barbosa or Diaw last year). We get the low post defender in Shaq, who has been better than expected this year, but we get an even bigger ego. I'm not yet sure what's worse: an unhappy Marion or a dominant ego in Shaq. We got more than a center, we got a center of attention, and that's surely been a distraction.

As for D'Antoni for Porter, there's probably so much behind closed doors stuff going on there, it's pointless commenting. I do like Terry Porter as a coach, and I certainly don't envy his job: trying to turn a ballclub suited for D'Antoni's style into a more defensive minded club yet maintain expectations for a championship. I don't know that our problems this year have been all his fault; I support the move towards becoming a bit more defensive oriented but I don't know that we had the right lineup to support the change offensively.

And it's for that reason I absolutely LOVE the trade for Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley.

First, J-Rich is a huge upgrade over Bell. Much has been made about losing Bell's defense. He's still a top notch defender but he's not the lockdown defender he once was. More importantly, he was one dimensional offensively. He was great in D'Antoni's spread the floor and bomb away offense, but when we're not spreading the floor, we need someone outside who can drive to the basket as well as launch threes. J-Rich can do that.

As for Diaw, he's certainly a talented ball player, but I don't know if there's an offense in the NBA that caters to his style. He's great at distributing the ball, but most teams aren't looking for a 6-10 passing forward. Plus, his lack of aggression offensively was downright infuriating. He was awesome in 2006 when Amare was out, and we thought he was just scratching the surface as a player. Instead, it looks like he overachieved, and the past two seasons are more in line with what should be expected of him. And if that's the case, we just got a very similar player in Dudley: a smart role player who can hit the outside jumper and play post defense in a pinch. And he's MUCH cheaper.

I don't know if this trade is enough to get us past LA and Boston again, but for the first time this season, I'm excited about watching the Suns, enough that I may start rummaging through the couch for beer money. They're certainly not the Suns we've known the past couple of years, but at the same time, they're no longer the Suns we've come to know this year either.

Five

2008-12-10T02:08:00.000-08:00

In most parts of our apartment, you wouldn't know it's Christmas. The bedroom is still littered with clothes, the cats still poop in the closet (in litter boxes, mind you), and the dishes need to be washed, again.

But in one tiny section, right behind me, it's Christmas. Our stockings are hung up on the DVD shelf (yes, we have stockings for the cats too). Our Target-bought X-Mas tree stands next to it, speckles of white lights amidst the red & silver shine of our Target-bought X-Mas ornaments. Underneath, five presents dressed in red wrapping paper, camouflaged by the red tree skirt that once served as a table cloth for a Halloween party. More often than not, Big Kitty can be found under the tree; I'd wrap a bow around him as well if it didn't mean getting the shit clawed out of my hands.

Living off unemployment didn't stop me from splurging on Wac for Christmas this year; for better or worse, it's a quality I picked up from my dad (substitute my Mom for Wac anyways). Perhaps that money was better spent on bills or groceries or something else, but it wasn't going to feel like Christmas for me if there weren't at least a couple presents under the tree. I would have survived without them, and I'm happy that I'll be able to be with her for Christmas, not to mention that I'll get to see my family soon thereafter as well. But I know Christmas will feel a little bit more like normal on Sunday morning (we're celebrating early since she leaves for California that evening) when we're opening gifts, and I get to see the excitement on her face when she opens those presents.

Especially when she opens up the new Guitar Hero game I got her. I think she'll like that one the best.

......

We ran 5 miles on Sunday. Officially the longest distance I've ran yet. We stopped at the halfway mark to stretch before turning around, so it wasn't consecutive, but I'm beyond the point of considering that to be relevant. There's a reason people say "It's not a race, it's a marathon". In fact, I probably wouldn't have been able to get to the 4 mile mark had I not stopped to stretch.

The last mile was definitely the hardest. I've been really good lately about not letting any self-defeating thoughts creep in during my runs, but that last mile, I really had to talk myself to the end. It seemed like it took forever to get there, but I pushed through. It definitely helps to have Wac there with me. Although a couple of her mile-updates were less helpful than intended, I think it's easier to run with her next to me. It's harder to quit on yourself when you've got someone with you.

I fully expected to be incapacitated the next day, considering that A) we still made trips to Subway and the Apple store before heading home to rest and 2) I could hardly walk the day after my 4 mile run. Surprisingly, I felt almost 100% yesterday (I won't mention the bit of chafing I got as that's probably a bit too much to share for you). Not only am I able to increase my mileage, but I'm recovering better too. Perhaps I might be able to do this half-marathon thing after all.

......

I got called back to Worksource yesterday for another meeting. For those who aren't in the know, Worksource is the WA version of the federally-mandated employment assistance program that every state has. They're not "Unemployment"; instead, they offer resources to help people who are unemployed. It was mandatory that I attend their first seminar when I got my unemployment benefits, and I had to go back since I got an extension.

I wasn't looking forward to it since it was going to be a three hour waste of my time; I could have stayed home and done something productive like play Minesweeper or sleep. Luckily it didn't take as long as they estimated; it was basically a review session of the initial orientation I attended in June, followed by a one-on-one "consultation" where someone from the staff would help me look for jobs and\or match me up with some possibilities.

As it stands right now, I have over 9 job sites saved as Favorites that I visit on a regular basis, and that doesn't include any of the staffing agencies I check out periodically. If there's a job open in my field, I know about it. I will admit that one of those sites is not the Worksource site, but after playing around with it during the session, it won't be one either, as every job posted on that site I've already found elsewhere. The consultation was of no benefit either; they tried to match me up with a Director-level job; a position I'm in no way qualified for right now. Although it was still a 100 minute waste of my time, it was kind of satisfying knowing that I'm doing a better job at finding a job than someone whose job is to help people find jobs; at least I know that my lack of success hasn't been because I'm not searching well enough.

Sorry, nothing in this section to keep with the "five" theme.

......

I had my second phone interview with my only job prospect right now, an interview which took place on the FIFTH (a stretch, I know). I definitely feel that it was one of my strongest interviews to date. Of course, it definitely helped that the position is so similar to what I was last doing, which probably made the interview feel a little more natural to me. The interviewer, someone in the same position that I'm applying for, also mentioned that I was one of the most experienced candidates that they're considering. The only concern they might have at this point is my commitment to the position; they may not feel comfortable with someone as career-driven as I am. I feel like I've reassured them that I'm willing to commit to the position as long as needed if the organization is as exceptional as I've heard, but the truth is, it's not a department I want to be in very long. Unless the position is so kush that I'd be a fool to do anything to escape it, I plan on sitting tight no longer than 6 months before I start mentioning advancement; otherwise, I'll start looking elsewhere again. I can only toil around in admin-level positions for so much longer.

Hell, maybe even after FIVE months.

(there, that works better)

I'm Not Dead

2008-12-05T01:23:00.000-08:00

I guess I should write something. It's been almost a month now. Then again, I've received very few comments or requests about my blog, so I guess no one's missing it that much. Not that I have much to say these days anyways. This will probably turn into one of those "keeping you up to speed posts." For no specific reason, I haven't been feeling very creative lately.

Job search is still fruitless. I finished as a runner up to yet another job. I think what sucks the most is the jobs I'm finishing runner up in are the ones I want the most. All the lesser jobs I apply for, the ones where I feel like I'm either overqualifed for or would be taking a step back in, I don't even hear from. Maybe they feel the same way. Anyways, I took it pretty well this time because I've been there and got the hint early on. Surprisingly, they followed up with me kinda late and even went as far as to do reference checks on me, yet I still didn't get hired. Thanks for the blue balls though, much appreciated.

I do have a second phone interview tomorrow with another company. It's a company I'd be excited to work for, and the job is nearly identical to the last one I had, which is good and bad. Good because I'm obviously qualified for it, but bad because it's not what I really want to do. Whatever. I've resigned to sucking it up many months ago and being satisfied with any job that keeps me in HR.

A couple people have asked or commented about taking any job at this point. As long as I'm collecting unemployment, I won't consider that an option. I did get some good news this week - my unemployment is now extended until the end of March, and maybe even longer. So until then, I'll only focus on HR jobs. It's what I want to do and it'll be my best chance at maximizing my salary. HR jobs are tough to find this time of year, not to mention during a recession like this, but they're still out there. If this job I'm interviewing for doesn't work out, I don't really expect to find many good opportunities until February at the earliest, as many companies will have their budgets forecasted and may start doing some more hiring again.

Thanksgiving was a week ago, let's talk about that. Wac and I went to a friend's house for turkey dinner and etc. We brought over a shit load of food. I made a couple dishes: some Gorgonzola mashed potatoes and some brown sugar glazed carrots. They were pretty easy. The mashed potatoes were just like regular ones except I added the cheese & some roasted garlic. The carrots were even easier; boil some carrots, melt some brown sugar into some butter, and then add some chopped bacon. Ridiculously good. Wac made some mashed sweet potatoes and a small batch of regular ones for our friend who doesn't like Gorgonzola cheese. Whatever, he's Canadian so he shouldn't even be celebrating. He did make some good stuffing though so he redeemed himself.

Speaking of gravy, the Canadian friend won a $100 bet from his equally drunken friend when he agreed to drink the whole pot of gravy. We didn't use much at dinner so it was pretty full. Silly Canucks.

Other things that have happened...Wac had a birthday, ran another half marathon. I've been doing some dog-sitting for the Canadian friend & his wife. I've been doing some running too, I'm gonna try to do a 5 mile run on Sunday. It's crazy to think that the half-marathon is little over a month away and I've yet to do more than 4 miles. I'm totally not prepared for this run but whatever, fuck it. I'll run\walk it if I have to, whatever it takes to cross that finish line.

For my AZ readers, I still don't yet know how long I'll be in AZ. For sure, I'll be flying in on Saturday the 17th, and most likely leaving Tuesday night. I'll know definitely before Christmas. I'll probably try to plan some kind of meetup on Sunday after the race for anyone interested. I'll send something soon.

Speaking of Christmas, I guess it's that time of year now. We put up our tree last night. It's not much and we won't be enjoying it for very long. Wac leaves next Sunday to go to California for two weeks while her sister has a baby. I was gonna stay in Seattle but her family forked up some money to fly me out there. Since I'm jobless, I leave in two weeks to hang out in CA for a while, with a pit stop in Burbank to see a friend I haven't seen in over two years. Obviously it's been a different kind of Christmas this year, considering everything that's happened, but I've managed to scrounge up some cash to at least get Wac a couple things. It's money that should be going towards a new radiator, but I have no idea when I'll have the rest for it, so I'm gonna try to make Christmas feel as close to normal for us as we can. After so much stress and uncertainty this year, I need at least that.

That's all I got for now. I'll try to pick up the creativity next time.

When The Cat Is Away...

2008-11-09T02:13:00.000-08:00

Wac's gone for the weekend, back in Cali for her sister's baby shower.

To the right of me is a Jack In The Box cup, to the left of me a pizza box (not a full one, just for two slices). I only got socially dressed today so I could gamble away $30 that I shouldn't at the casino. Luckily, I am good at poker compared to the others who play there & took 2nd place for $260.

Bachelor life, revisited. Tomorrow (or later today, depending on how picky you want to be) will mostly consist of watching football. In Wac's absence, I don't have to be concerned with her preference of only one football game at home on Sundays.

But bachelor life is different this go-around. Through nothing but self-motivation, I threw on my running clothes this morning (hence the prior use of the phrase "socially dressed"; I technically got dressed twice today) for a 2.3 mile run with the first 3\4 mile being a near non-stop incline. As far as tomorrow (again, referring to Sunday here), I might be a bad Steelers fan and skip the first half so I can run 3.5 miles.

I can't say that I've fully caught the running bug, but lately I find myself starting to enjoy running more. It helped that I was able to do the 2.8 mile run last Sunday with little trouble. Wac tried to take me on a 4 mile run Wednesday night; I made it over 2 miles before I had to call it quits due to chafing (my blog so, no, it's not TMI). That was disappointing because I felt like I could have done the whole thing.

My pace probably wouldn't even break speed records for snails but slowing my pace down a bit seems to really help. If it means that I have to lumber across the finish line in January, then lumber I shall. I think the big victory here, though, is that I'm enjoying it all, which is something I wasn't able to say a couple of months ago.

Choosing running over football tomorrow might make me a bad bachelor but whatever.

Besides, Wac doesn't come back until Monday; I can still save the strippers & coke bonanza for Sunday night.

Crash Course Voting

2008-11-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

So my big agenda this year has been about making an informed vote. It's sort of a futile exercise, since the truth behind any candidate is muddled underneath piles of half-truths and smears on opponents. I've done enough research to feel confident in who I'm voting for this year. If you've been keeping up on my blog, it probably isn't a big surprise.

I'll be voting for Obama.

I wanted to find the hard, definite truth behind the motives of each candidate when, really, they're both the same. It's apparent from the campaigns of each that they're willing to resort to lies and deceit to gain the presidency. Neither is any different from any other politician.

But there's a couple of things that swayed my vote for Obama.

1. As the campaigns progressed, I felt the tone of McCain's campaign became more conservative. I'm far from conservative, so naturally, I share viewpoints common with the Democratic party, but at one point years ago, I felt I could support McCain because I felt he represented the areas where I'm both liberal and conservative. I don't get that impression any more (see, among other things, the nomination of Sarah Palin). This has been the biggest reason for my vote. Simply put, I align more with Obama's views than McCain's.

2. I'm liberal in many areas, conservative in some, but one thing I cannot stand is the neo-con, religious brand of politics we've had under W. It doesn't help McCain that many of his top advisers were also advisers for George W. Bush.

3. The biggest criticism against Obama is his lack of experience. What I've failed to understand during this whole election is this: what is the litmus test for the proper amount of experience required for a successful president? And, furthermore, is experience really the ultimate qualifier for success as a president?

I'm not convinced that Obama is the savior that so many, especially handfuls of liberals in a town like Seattle, seem to believe he is, but based on what I've read, what I've heard, and what I believe in, I feel that Obama is best equipped to lead this country in the direction I want it to go in.

Of course, with so much attention given to the Presidential Election, I kinda-sorta forgot to look into any of the other elections or initiatives on my ballot this go-around. So, on the eve of my interview tomorrow morning, I'm staying up late, cramming for tomorrow's vote. Here's what I've come up with:

Governor: Christine Gregoire (D) vs Dino Rossi (R).

This was a close race last time these two met, the closest Gubernatorial election in U.S. History. Personally, I still haven't forgiven Gregoire for signing off on a bill that made one of my biggest hobbies, online poker, a state felony on equal footing with possession of child pornography. But is that enough for me to vote Dino? This one I'm still unsure on.

U.S. House: Jim McDermott (D) vs Steve Beren (R).

Among other issues, McDermott voted against the bailout package and supports a repeal of the act that banned payment transfers for online gambling. Instead, he supports an initiative that regulates and taxes online gambling. Good enough for my vote to keep him in office.

Wash. State Legislative District 36, Pos 1: Reuven Carlyle (D) vs John Burbank (D).

Carlyle supports growth for businesses by education and training of technical skills and lives in my neighborhood (albeit in a house that I could never afford). Burbank seems more grass roots and supports growing small, independent businesses here. Despite Carlyle's embrace of private funding and Burbank's dismissal of it, I give Carlyle a narrow edge here.

Wash. State Legislative District 36, Pos 2: Mary Lou Dickerson (D) vs Leslie Klein (D).

This one seems pretty easy, although I'm basing my decision (at this late in the game) on a comparison in Seattle Times. Klein comes across as a bitter Republican upset at what he sees is a Democrat controlled government. I support his idea to balance the budget, but for several answers, he gives no other answer or explanation, Dickerson gives me that, she gets my vote.

Initiative 1000: allowing terminally ill patients diagnosed with 6 months or less to live the right to receive lethal prescription drugs. I fully support this. Critics quote cases where people have recovered to live longer even after receiving a 6 month or less sentence, but I see this as being a benefit to the majority of cases. One, it's an option, and two, it's a right that I believe every person should have, especially if it is self-administered and painless.

Initiative 985: opening HOV lanes to all traffic during specified times, along with traffic synchronization and funding for roadside assistance. I support the gist of this bill but I'll be voting no on it. I support the idea of opening up the HOV lanes at particular times beyond the 6-9am and 4-7am but I don't support the time frames outlined in this initiative, nor do I support the idea of dedicating funds to traffic light synchronization or roadside assistance. Instead, I support more funding into improve public transportation.

That's all I have for now. It's 1am, and I have to call it a night. Happy voting, everyone.

Change

2008-11-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

Change seems to be the buzz word lately.
......

Hosted a Halloween party on Friday. Spent most of the week changing the apartment into something suitable for such a party. We were going to attempt a spooky hallway but instead went for a seductive candle vibe. I spent a couple days last month driving to any Goodwill\thrift store I could find, buying up any cool, old-looking candlesticks. I was also able to score some tiki torches off craigslist, $5 for all five! Although one candle caused a bit of damage to the kitchen cabinet, the party was a relative success.

Costume wise, Wac went as Sarah Palin, I went as Gay Darth Vader. We both won prizes for the costume contest (she - Best In Show, I = funniest, but both got votes for "sluttiest" as well). I'll let you be the judge:

......

The Daylight Savings change is always a weird time for me around here. It's not the actual change that bothers me, it's making the adjustment to an earlier sunset. We're only weeks away before it's dark by 4:30pm, something I'm not really looking forward to.

Wac and I took part of the day to celebrate the new time & new season by snagging some pictures of the leaves changing. Autumn in AZ isn't really a season; it's still 80-90 degrees, and neither cacti nor palm trees go through any change. Seattle, on the other hand, was made for this time of year:

Of course, you can't enjoy Autumn without playing in the leaves:

......

I stepped up my running again. I decided that Sunday was going to be the day that I conquered Greenlake. It's not that big of an accomplishment; 2.8 miles around a lake. But I haven't run that distance non-stop since I was training for the half-marathon in 2004. I did most of my last 2 miles non-stop (the hills at the end pretty much kill me), so I figured 2.8 miles on a flat course would be no problem.

And right I was! I hit a very brief period where it felt like my breaths were getting thinner, but I did the full course fairly easily, even stepping up my pace at the end for a change. And aside for some achy knees for an hour or so afterwards, I feel pretty good. Good enough that I'll probably try a hilly run again on Monday.

I'm feeling better about this half-marathon, but I know that I still need to make some changes to my diet if I want this to be any easier going forward. So, starting today, I'm setting 5 rules:

1. Only 6 inch sandwiches from Subway. This may seem like an inconsequential rule, but you don't understand how often we go to Subway. Having one right around the corner is either a blessing or a curse, depending on how you want to look at it (Mark, I already know your feelings about this place). Average for us has to be at least three times a week. At least. Because we go so frequently, it's hard to pass up the $5 Footlong deal. But I really don't need that much sandwich, so despite the great deal, it's only half a sandwich from now on.

2. Only white meat sandwiches from Subway. As much as I love getting the Spicy Italian, 10 slices of salami & pepperoni each is probably not the healthiest choice. Because of the first rule, I won't be limiting myself to only the $5 deals, so instead, I'll choose between turkey or chicken sandwiches.

3. Only drink once a month. The exception is the occasional glass of wine or beer with dinner, which hasn't been an issue anyway, so making it an exception isn't a concern for me. I have been drinking a lot more over the past couple of months, and at least during my training phase, I need to watch it. Ideally, I shouldn't be getting drunk at all, but with a couple of key holidays coming up, I need some flexibility.

4. No soda during the week. Since becoming diabetic, I've successfully switched to Diet Coke and\or Coke Zero. That switch alone has probably been one of the biggest ways I've been able to control my blood sugar, but it also prevents me from staying properly hydrated. I thought about cutting out soda completely, but Wac convinced me to ease off of it less drastically. Besides, we just bought a case of Cherry Coke Zero last night.

5. At least one meal with fresh veggies each day. We've been fairly good about cooking with fresh vegetables for dinner, but we've kind of fallen off the wagon lately. There shouldn't be any excuse for that though; I've got plenty of time to cook dinner, we have a grocery store across the street, and food just tastes better with fresh veggies.

......

Finally, a pleasant surprise on the job front for a change. I wrote in my last post about a job interview I had that didn't go as well as expected. Nevertheless, I followed up with the HR Director the day after with one of my soon to be patented follow up emails. I've become pretty good at these emails, eloquently stating my case as a candidate and\or my enthusiasm for the position. I went through a couple drafts before coming up with one that took away focus from my inexperience & refocused on what I could do for them.

I don't know if that had the impact or if my interview was better than it seemed to me, but they're bringing me back on Tuesday to interview with the rest of the team. I don't feel as much pressure to get this job since I'm eligible for an extension of my unemployment benefits, but this would definitely be a great opportunity for me: a job that accelerates my career growth, pays very well, and is with a company that has an amazing corporate culture (I was able to go to my interview in jeans, a sweater and my black Chucks and fit in perfectly with all the employees). The ball is in my court though, and although I definitely know enough to not think that I have this job locked up, I do feel like this is my job to lose. I'll be spending most of Monday prepping myself for this interview. I'm tired of missed opportunities; it's time to finally get out there and seize one myself.

For a change.

Livin Like Ice Cube

2008-10-28T16:30:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day.

Good days are hard to come by lately. Each day I'm unemployed becomes more stressful than the last. I had a job interview yesterday for a position I was really excited about. I'm less experienced than needed in certain areas, but I felt confident that I would wow her in the interview. Instead, the interview seemed to focus on the areas I lacked experience, and I walked out of the place feeling anything but positive.

Also, yesterday, we discovered that our cats may be getting fleas again, so that's always fun. But this is about today, because today was a good day.

My day didn't start until noon. I slept in again. I've been pretty good about getting up earlier than that, but I had a 6:30 wakeup yesterday and a 2:30am bedtime, so I needed to catch up. It felt good to sleep in that much.

I had to take care of my soon-to-be expired tags. Unfortunately, I had some parking tickets to pay for as well, almost $250 worth. When I got to the court to pay, I found out that half of that was from a red light ticket from two years ago that I already paid, cutting my bill almost in half. Sweetness.

I then go to pay my tags, and those cost me almost $15 less than expected too. Double bonus. Feeling pretty good about the day, I stopped by Wendy's for lunch. JBCs always make any day good.

First negative of the day: the Safeway across the street didn't have the flea repellant I was looking for, but that couldn't damper my day. Immediately afterward, I stopped by Blockbuster to get another disc of Dexter (awesome show) and the new Guitar Hero game. The clerk was unable to scan the game, but recognizing me as a regular customer, he rented it to me for free!

All I need to see now is the Goodyear Blimp declaring how much of a pimp I am.

Anyways, that's what constitutes a good day for me these days. Most days, I sit around depressed, desperately looking for any job at this point. I'm resigned to the fact that I may have to take some $13\hr customer service job in a couple weeks. I'm afraid to drive my car anymore because I need a new radiator, and it looks like the liquid leak plugger stuff isn't working very well anymore. I'm back to using my credit cards to get by, undoing much of what I had paid down from my severance package. Aside from my wonderful girlfriend, life is pretty shitty these days, so I'll take whatever good day I can get.

A Belated Congrats

2008-10-22T01:36:00.000-07:00

I'll spare you the sob story about being unemployed this go around. Instead, I give you a long overdue post.

On Sunday, I did a 2-mile run, my second run in less than a week. The last time I've ran twice within a 7 day span was August. I know that I'll be woefully unprepared for my half-marathon in January, but instead of using that as an excuse to quit, I'm of the mindset that it'll be learning the lesson the hard way. An optimist would call my training plan "flexible"; a realist would call it non-existent (in terms of the "plan" part). I'm slowly getting up the motivation to run more often, and even if I can barely do 6 miles by the time I get to Phoenix, I'll suffer my way through the last 7.1.

It wouldn't be out of line to call my efforts at preparing for my half-marathon pathetic, especially given the amount of time on my hands, my status as a diabetic, etc. I've got every reason in the world to do it, all the motivation I need, yet I still can't get my ass out there as often as I need to. I'm getting better, and I assure you that sometime tomorrow, I'll be out there running those 2 miles again. Wac assures me that the first three miles of any run are the worst, and I believe her. After all, this is the person who completed a full marathon just three weeks ago.

In fact, it's because of her that I still haven't given up on this for the umpteenth time. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's quitting an exercise plan. But I know what happens now when you don't; I'm living with the results. The woman I love, within the span of year, had lost 100 lbs, ran two official half-marathons and one full marathon (not to mention all the miles ran for training), and has shown a sense of willpower and determination that I've never had.

I've tried to match her enthusiasm for running, but I just haven't caught the bug yet. I've finally gotten away from the treadmill, instead running through the streets of Seattle, and it's helped. I've enjoyed the past couple of runs much more than I have any run on a treadmill. Who knows; maybe I'll become a runner myself one day.

In the meantime, I'm just focusing on getting out and running as often as possible. I'm not setting any specific training plan, because it's too easy for someone like me to quit when it gets too hard. Maybe by the end of November I'll be able to run 5 miles, by the end of December 9 or 10, who knows. The one thing I do know is that I'll be crossing that finish line in Phoenix on January 18th. I could care less if I'm the last person across, crawling my way to the end.

At the end of the Portland Marathon, watching my girlfriend cross the finish line, I've never been more proud of someone than I was of her at that moment. I want to feel that same way about myself too.

Congratulations, baby. I'll be there with you soon.

Venting

2008-10-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

What does it take to get a fucking job in this city?

I got rejected for another job today, once again losing out to "the other guy". At least I learned something in the process. When a company tells you you're a top candidate, and that they're looking to finalize the hiring process mid-week, yet you don't hear from them at all that week, it's because they're finalizing the fucking process with someone else.

I've become desperate enough that I'm applying for jobs that are several dollars below what I was making at my last job. I've broadened my search to include jobs that might take up to an hour to commute to and\or put me back in the area of HR that I was trying to escape from to begin with.

I do have another interview on Tuesday. It's not the best opportunity, but at this point, any position will be better than being off unemployment benefits, which will happen in just barely over a month.

I don't know what else I can do at this point. I'm a week past 5 months of unemployment. I can't make plans for Christmas or pretty much anything else in my life because I don't even know if I'm going to have a paycheck in a month. I've resorted to utilizing my fucking credit cards again just to make sure that I have a little bit of financial flexibility, especially considering I have car registration due this month.

I know what I'm trying to do is tough. I'm competing with candidates who probably have a bit more experience than I do. I've never carried the job title that I'm often applying for, and I sometimes lack experience in one aspect of the job, yet I have to try and convince these companies that the experience and skills that I have still make me a fit for the job. I've nearly done that the past two times yet I'm still finishing behind those who have maybe just a bit more experience than I do. Yet if I try to apply for jobs that may not be as competitive, I either sacrifice too much in terms of compensation, or I end up in jobs where I know I'll be unhappy, or jobs that will stifle my ability to move up in my career.

I'm 30 fucking years old with a college degree and anywhere from 3-10 years of relevant experience. I shouldn't have to resort to some fucking entry level job making $15 an hour doing bullshit administrative work. Yet that's what I feel like I have to resort to, otherwise I'll be stuck with no job and no paycheck come November 11th.

This all just fucking blows.

(end rant)

VP Debate Thoughts

2008-10-03T02:20:00.000-07:00

I didn't post any thoughts about the first Pres. debate because I was at a loud bar drinking it up with friends. I couldn't really hear everything, and we were too busy playing drinking games. Among our rules were:

1. The "special" word. 1 drink anytime a particular word was mentioned. We started with Economy, moved to Iraq then Afghanistan before we stopped keeping track.
2. Moderator repeats. Anytime the moderator has to repeat a question, we up the drinks. 1st repeat is 1, 2nd an additional 2, and so on. At one point, we went to the bar for a refill. It took about 5 minutes to get our beers because it was so packed, and by the time we did, we were already down 10 drinks due to repeats.
3. Fist bumps. This never happened, but if Obama fist-bumped anyone, 2 drinks. McCain, 4 drinks. If Obama & McCain fist-bumped each other...automatic Jager shots.

In summary, like most others, I felt it was a fairly even debate. I felt both backed up their points, but I give the edge to Obama for debate style. Of course, Obama is a better public speaker than McCain, but I deducted points from McCain for failing to engage in a more conversational style like Obama did, and steadfastly refusing to look at his opponent during the rebuttals.

Tonight's debate, I had better seats. We went to a party hosted by one of Wac's coworkers, drank beer, ate pizza, and enjoyed the festivities. Obviously, of all the debates, this one I was the most biased about, considering my feelings for Palin. So it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I give the edge to Biden in this one.

First off, I won't say Biden won hands down. There were a couple times that he stumbled, spouting off less than confident responses, and he wasn't as engaging as Palin. But overall, I felt he handled the debate much more remarkably than Palin did.

And, to Palin's credit, this wasn't a repeat of that atrocious Katie Couric interview. I don't think anyone expected that, but nevertheless, she was smart to stay away from soundbites that hurt her previously (i.e the whole Alaska-Russia proximity thing).

However, not only do I give Biden an edge, I give him a fairly significant one, for the following reasons:

1. The "ultimate bridge to nowhere" comment. Hands down, best line of the night. Whether or not the rest of his comments regarding McCain's health care plans are true, that was THE moment that made me say "Oh Snap!". Biden wins the "Oh Snap!" award.

2. Staying with the question. As frustrating as it is to watch the candidates dodge many of these questions with their rehearsed talking points, I accept that it's part of the debate, and I love that the moderators thus far are reasonably taking them to task for doing so (see Rule No.2 in drinking game). But tonight, overwhelmingly, I felt Biden did a much better job answering the questions & rebutting to the comments that Palin made than vice versa. And it's not that Biden necessarily did a great job, but because Palin did such a HORRIBLE job herself. For example:

IFILL: Governor, please if you want to respond to what he said about Senator McCain's comments about health care?

PALIN: I would like to respond about the tax increases.

(a moment later)

BIDEN: He did support deregulation almost across the board. That's why we got into so much trouble.

IFILL: Would you like to have an opportunity to answer that before we move on?

PALIN: I'm still on the tax thing because I want to correct you on that again. And I want to let you know what I did as a mayor and as a governor.

(a couple questions later)

BIDEN: The bottom line here is that we are going to, in fact, eliminate those wasteful spending that exist in the budget right now, a number of things I don't have time, because the light is blinking, that I won't be able to mention, but one of which is the $100 billion tax dodge that, in fact, allows people to take their post office box off- shore, avoid taxes.

I call that unpatriotic. I call that unpatriotic.

IFILL: Governor?

PALIN: Well, the nice thing about running with John McCain is I can assure you he doesn't tell one thing to one group and then turns around and tells something else to another group, including his plans that will make this bailout plan, this rescue plan, even better.

I want to go back to the energy plan, though, because this is -- this is an important one that Barack Obama, he voted for in '05.

(and again)

BIDEN: (referring to a question about a bankruptcy bill; admittedly, this was one of his weaker answers)That would keep people in their homes, actually help banks by keeping it from going under. But John McCain, as I understand it -- I'm not sure of this, but I believe John McCain and the governor don't support that. There are ways to help people now. And there -- ways that we're offering are not being supported by -- by the Bush administration nor do I believe by John McCain and Governor Palin.

IFILL: Governor Palin, is that so?

PALIN: That is not so, but because that's just a quick answer, I want to talk about, again, my record on energy versus your ticket's energy ticket, also.

I think that this is important to come back to, with that energy policy plan again that was voted for in '05.

(regarding same-sex benefits)

IFILL: Governor, would you support expanding that beyond Alaska to the rest of the nation?

PALIN: Well, not if it goes closer and closer towards redefining the traditional definition of marriage between one man and one woman (um, Sarah, we're just talking about same-sex benefits, why do we have to turn this into a "gay marriage" question?)

Again, Biden stepped around some points as well, but in my opinion, it was nowhere near as blatant as Palin. Biden was debating and rebutting, Palin was busy cheering on McCain and making sure she hit all those rehearsed talking points she practiced over the last couple of days.

3. I felt a stronger connection with Biden. I know that Palin's trying to portray this "I'm just a hockey mom, I'm not part of the good ol' boy network" image. Palin definitely worked the camera better than Biden did, talking straight into the camera for most of the debate, trying to inject a little bit of personality into the speech, and I'm sure that many people in America bought it.

To me, it came across as rehearsed shtick. It didn't seem less than genuine, but it seemed acted. Whether or not that's the case, I connected more with Biden's straight-forward approach, both in language and style. I appreciate that Palin represents a new "image" of politics that we haven't seen before, but I'm not convinced that it's better. I prefer substance over style, and I felt that more with Biden.

4. Lastly, in my opinion, Biden got in the best attack of the night:

PALIN: Change is coming. And John McCain is the leader of that reform.

IFILL: Senator...

BIDEN: I'll be very brief. Can I respond to that?

Look, the maverick -- let's talk about the maverick John McCain is. And, again, I love him. He's been a maverick on some issues, but he has been no maverick on the things that matter to people's lives.

He voted four out of five times for George Bush's budget, which put us a half a trillion dollars in debt this year and over $3 trillion in debt since he's got there.

He has not been a maverick in providing health care for people. He has voted against -- he voted including another 3.6 million children in coverage of the existing health care plan, when he voted in the United States Senate.

He's not been a maverick when it comes to education. He has not supported tax cuts and significant changes for people being able to send their kids to college.

He's not been a maverick on the war. He's not been a maverick on virtually anything that genuinely affects the things that people really talk about around their kitchen table.

Can we send -- can we get Mom's MRI? Can we send Mary back to school next semester? We can't -- we can't make it. How are we going to heat the -- heat the house this winter?

He voted against even providing for what they call LIHEAP, for assistance to people, with oil prices going through the roof in the winter.

So maverick he is not on the important, critical issues that affect people at that kitchen table.

I can understand that John McCain may be more of a "maverick" than others in Congress, but this point from Biden addresses one of my main concerns about him. First of all, despite his claims of being a reformer, I don't find anything about his current platform that doesn't scream "conservative Republican". More importantly, the main things that he is known to be a maverick of (campaign-finance reform, pork barrel spending) aren't the biggest issue for me this year. Again, the truth behind what Biden said is another issue, but I felt this was a very strong counter-point that the Democratic campaign needed to make, and it'll be interesting to see if this carries over into the next Presidential debate.

I may or may not have more to say about this, but if I do, it'll be after I read the following two links, and I urge you to do the same:

A complete, unedited transcript of the VP debate

FactCheck.org's review of the truth behind Biden's & Palin's comments

I've Changed My Mind

2008-09-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

It wasn't too long ago how I mentioned how I was sick and tired of hearing about Sarah Palin. I officially retract that statement.

Now, I can't get enough of her.

You have to click on this one because NBC is a bunch of fascists and won't allow their content on YouTube.

Thursday's debate is going to be the most glorious yet depressing 90 minutes ever.

So And So Had A Baby

2008-09-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

Last night, while Wac & I were walking to go see My Morning Jacket, I called my brother to wish him happy birthday. When I told him what I was doing, he asked who I was going to see. Knowing that he's probably never heard of My Morning Jacket, I tried to explain how they sounded to someone who's never heard them. I'm naturally HORRIBLE at trying to describe a band's sound, and pressed for something to say, I though of the song below (which actually starts about 3 minutes into the song) and for some reason came up with "southern modern rock" although in retrospect, I should have thrown in "blues-y" too:

Had I been a bit quicker with the wit, I would have remembered to rely on my standard way of describing a band: as being the love child of two other bands. In this case, imagine if Prince had a baby with Lynyrd Skynyrd (and maybe abandoned it for Neil Young to raise):

Oh, by the way...if anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas this year, take note: I now want a velvety cape:

The Glory Days

2008-09-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

I miss 2006. I had a bigger apartment, a job, my car wasn't all beat up, and Shawn Marion was still with the Suns.

I've been making good use of my XBox lately, going through a season on NBA 2K7. It was cheap, only $6, and it features the Suns during their glory days, with the same roster that lost to the Spurs in the playoffs (remember Horry-gate?). I made some changes though, because honestly, I have no interest in playing video game basketball with Marcus Banks and Erik Piatkowski on my roster. So I made some trades, juiced up my lineup. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say this: My bench alone consists of Dirk Nowitzki, Gilbert Arenas, and Ray Allen.

Holy shit, playing NBA 2K7 with Ray Allen is way too unfair. He refuses to miss from 3-point range and is averaging almost 45 points a game.

Oh, and in NBA 2K7, the Suns will win the championship, and the Sonics still exist (minus Ray Allen, of course).

Yay XBox!

......

Lest you think that I'm completely unproductive, I should mention that I did other things too. Like grab a voter registration form before it's too late, and I got a library card while I was at it too. I also found a cool little shop that specializes in Spanish goods, and grabbed a bottle of Rioja and a jar of chimmichurri spices.

I also applied for three jobs, none of which I think I'll get. They're all relatively big companies, all nationally known, and I've had less success getting interviews with those guys.

I also sent an email to a company I'm still in limbo with. I interviewed with them last week, and they're continuing to interview through this week too at least. Rather than sit on my hands and wait to find out what's up, I cranked out one of my patented "wordy" emails, explaining how excited I was, and highlighting my strong points. Especially considering I was the first to interview, and it was over a week ago, I need to make sure I don't get forgotten. Last time I did this I didn't get the job, but the HR Director put the word out to all her colleagues about me. That got me a couple interviews elsewhere; hopefully this time it helps seal the deal.

......

Halloween is just ahead. We didn't do anything last year, so we're counteracting that by throwing a Halloween party. I still don't know what my costume will be this year. In recent years, I've been Tobias from Arrested Development, Emo-Dad, Lil' Jon (the rapper) and Maggie Simpson. I like my costumes to be either really obnoxious (Lil Jon) or easy to do (Emo-Dad was basically just me with a baby strapped to my back).

The problem with Halloween costumes is that my glasses and my baldness don't lend themselves to that many options. I had a good idea for this year, but to really get the full effect, I would have to get different glasses. I'm going to the party store down the road tomorrow to see if I can get any more ideas from them. I don't want to cop out on my costume this year but I don't want to be pressed for time either, so I feel like I need to decide now.

Otherwise, I may just try to squeeze into a kid's costume and go as Fat Batman.

Being Un-American

2008-09-19T09:56:00.000-07:00

Josh Howard is an idiot. Let's start with that.

If you don't know who Josh Howard is, here's a summary:

1. He plays in the NBA for the Dallas Mavericks
2. He's a pretty good player, even making the All-Star team a couple of years ago.
3. He's not worth much in fantasy basketball because doesn't do anything great statistically other than score points.
4. He made headlines earlier this summer when he admitted that he smokes pot during the offseason.

That last statement makes him an idiot. Not because he smokes pot, but admitting to it to a journalist as a public figure. There was some backlash for a while, but for the most part, it's been brushed under the rug. What also makes him an idiot is, despite the public outcry from that, he was stupid enough to go and do this.

The video was taken on a cell phone camera at some charity event sponsored by Allen Iverson, another NBA player. Howard hasn't come out and made any sort of public statement now that this has become such a controversy, so who knows what his intent was. Perhaps behind that was some sort of social commentary about how the National Anthem was written during a time when slavery was prominent, and authored by someone who lived on a plantation and related to someone who authored the Dred Scott decision (stolen from Wikipedia, I didn't know that either). Perhaps the intent was to communicate that patriotism amongst the black community is much different than patriotism from the white community given that many of the common symbols of patriotism are much more prominent within white culture than black culture (although it could be interpreted to mean many different things, I can't imagine very many blacks connecting to a "patriotic" song like Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A.").

But Josh Howard didn't say any of those things. What he said was anything but eloquent. What he said came across as ignorant and disrespectful, and can easily be interpreted as Josh Howard not being proud of being an American.

And you know what? If that's the case, that's fine. Of course, until he makes a statement, we'll never know what his true intent was (and even then, it'll probably be a statement doctored by some PR agency to put this whole thing to rest, so maybe we'll never know what his intent was). But if that's how Josh Howard feels, then so be it. We have the right to believe what he says was ignorant and misinformed, but he, as an American, has the right to say what he said.

Some of you reading this probably didn't even know who he was until now. In fact, I'd venture to say that a very large portion of people who were offended by his comments didn't know who he was either. Many people probably saw some clip of the video on SportsCenter or some other show, and immediately got offended by a rich, black athlete making an unpatriotic statement about THEIR country. They then maybe read comments from Mark Cuban, the Mavericks owner, regarding how the issue was being handled by the organization & felt unsatisfied with the resolution. Some of them even took to Cuban's blog and made their thoughts known, just as Josh Howard did at some small charity event back in July.

And in a brilliant move, Cuban organized many of those comments, which were posted with email addresses and names, and centralized them into a blog post which you can find here.

Perhaps you'll disagree with me, but personally, I'm much more offended by the majority of comments on Cuban's blog than I am about Howard's statement. I believe that what Josh Howard said was just plain retarded, and while there may be a different intent behind his comments, on face value, his remarks were out of line. But I'm not offended by them. What I am offended by are Americans, in this day and age, still referring to someone like Josh Howard as a "coon" or a "nigger". Or the opinion that "him and Hussein Obama can go to another country and live if they don’t want to support our symbol of freedom." Or "If you allow a hate of America play for your team, you also Hate AMERICA. GET OUT OF HERE!!!!" Or, maybe my personal favorite:

"Fire that ass hole this is America send him to Iraq No wonder kids act the way they do this is there role model they have no clue what we have been through in our history and how we became this country we all have faults but this is not the 60`s if it was he would of been hanged. I suppose that he thinks all the fireman, police and innocent citizens in 911 should of died also only in America could this happen and thats the point he does not get."

I respect that all of these people, as citizens of this country that they may or may not support in the historically approved methods that the majority support (i.e. National Anthem, American Flag, etc.) have the right to speak their opinion. But I consider using racial epithets, suggestions of deportation, or the ideology that criticism of America is equal to hatred of America and therefore makes a person not worthy of living in their own country MUCH MORE UN-AMERICAN than the voice of one person, whose opinion shouldn't mean anything to anyone anyways, making an ignorant comment about the National Anthem.

That's all I can say right now. Today is the first day that I was actually up before 8:30am, and I don't want to waste my morning spewing on a blog post how sick and tired I am of what has become a narrow definition of what being "patriotic" or "a good American" is. I'll save that for another post. Instead, I want to leave you on a lighter note.

In what was either a pure stroke of genius on ESPN's part or just completely unintentional comedy, Bob Ley of ESPN conducted a short interview with the person who recorded Josh Howard's comments on his phone. For one of the most incoherent interviews ever, complete with unrelated answers to questions, horrible attempts at spinning the interview another direction, and misguided rambling, click here.

Bow to Me, Citizens of Tanzania!

2008-09-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in Africa, in a small town in Tanzania, I will become a God.

Our friend Elliot spends half to 3\4ths of the year in a small village in Tanzania as part of Project Kesho, a non-profit founded by his brother & sister-in-law to help improve the educational system in underprivileged areas in East Africa. He's a huge dork; you can seem him in pictures here as the curly-fro'd goofy looking dude. Anytime he comes back to Seattle, he just shows up at our door unannounced and can't stop quoting from Borat even though the movie is three years old now.

He stopped by earlier this week, and we hung out for a little bit, playing some Guitar Hero and Rock Band on my sweet new XBox 360. Since I've upgraded my gaming system, I had no need for my PS2 anymore, and Elliot offered to buy it to take back to Tanzania. For the system, one controller + a guitar controller, all three Guitar Hero games and GTA: San Andreas, he gave me $50. I tried to get him to take my football and baseball games too, but he declined, explaining the kids there would have no idea what to do. It didn't dawn on me until then that they had no concept of American football or baseball. He could explain that it's kind of like rugby or cricket but they still wouldn't understand.

But the language of music has no boundaries So for $50, the kids get to experience the joy of faux-shredding to Metallica's "One" or Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Pride and Joy". They'll stumble their way through to the end, and when they get there, I imagine they'll wonder who this Matt guy is that owns every single high score on the game. Perhaps, after time, they'll be good enough to play on Hard or Expert, but each time, I'll be there, waiting for them. My name will become legend.

Who says video games are a waste of time?

Stress Release

2008-09-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

I'm trying really, really hard to be unbiased when I discuss politics, but sometimes, I just can't help to get worked up. So, as a bit of a stress release, I offer you the following three words:

Screw Sarah Palin.

(This will be the only time you'll read anything about Sarah Palin on this blog; after this, I'll go back to discussing what's really important in this election.)

I'm sick of her and I'm sick of hearing about her. I'm tired of the McCain campaign deriding Obama as a celebrity yet continuing to bask in the similar attention that Palin has gained. It's amazing how much buzz is created when you pull a relative nobody out of your hat and hand her the VP role. I'm tired of the McCain campaign trotting out the same line about Obama being inexperienced, yet nominating a candidate for VP that they rarely allow to speak freely to the press. I can understand that though, after the last time they let her loose.

During last week's interview with ABC's Charles Gibson, Palin let loose with some interesting comments, including:

In reference to earlier comments that our occupation being a "task from God.", she clarified this point by stating "But the reference there is a repeat of Abraham Lincoln’s words when he said — first, he suggested never presume to know what God’s will is, and I would never presume to know God’s will or to speak God’s words. But what Abraham Lincoln had said, and that’s a repeat in my comments, was let us not pray that God is on our side in a war or any other time, but let us pray that we are on God’s side."

What's remarkable about this is that, according to the context of what she actually said, her comments bear no relation to the what Lincoln said. You can see the whole text of the speech from June here, and I'll freely admit that what she really said is not as frightening as the excerpt that was referenced in the Gibson speech. But, even within context, she is asking that the congregation pray that, in reference to the Iraq War, "that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending out on a task that is from God." Obviously, my religious views are much different than hers, or even the majority of the country for that matter, so I accept that I might be in the minority. However, I can't help but to be appalled that anyone would pray that a war is part of any God's plan. Praying for the safety of troops, praying for a swift resolve to the end of war, praying for protection from terrorists, I completely understand all of that. But to pray that unprovoked attacks and killing Iraqi citizens who do not support another country's plan for what Iraq should be? Consider me disgusted.

Then there is the whole dialogue about the Bush doctrine. I'll admit, if I was posed the same question, I can't say that I would have come up with the correct answer either. But I'm also not a candidate for Vice President. Anyways, here's the unedited transcript:

GIBSON: Do you agree with the Bush doctrine?

PALIN: In what respect, Charlie?

GIBSON: The Bush — well, what do you — what do you interpret it to be?

PALIN: His world view.

GIBSON: No, the Bush doctrine, enunciated September 2002, before the Iraq war.

PALIN: I believe that what President Bush has attempted to do is rid this world of Islamic extremism, terrorists who are hell bent on destroying our nation. There have been blunders along the way, though. There have been mistakes made. And with new leadership, and that’s the beauty of American elections, of course, and democracy, is with new leadership comes opportunity to do things better.

GIBSON: The Bush doctrine, as I understand it, is that we have the right of anticipatory self-defense, that we have the right to a preemptive strike against any other country that we think is going to attack us. Do you agree with that?

I'd love to hear her expand on what she believes those blunders & mistakes to be, but I'm sure the McCain campaign has prevented her from making any such admissions.

Finally, when talking about Palin's experience in foreign relations, she gives us this gem:

GIBSON: Have you ever met a foreign head of state?

PALIN: There in the state of Alaska, our international trade activities bring in many leaders of other countries.

GIBSON: And all governors deal with trade delegations.

PALIN: Right.

GIBSON: Who act at the behest of their governments.

PALIN: Right, right.

GIBSON: I’m talking about somebody who’s a head of state, who can negotiate for that country. Ever met one?

PALIN: I have not and I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you. But, Charlie, again, we’ve got to remember what the desire is in this nation at this time. It is for no more politics as usual and somebody’s big, fat resume maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yes, they’ve had opportunities to meet heads of state … these last couple of weeks … it has been overwhelming to me that confirmation of the message that Americans are getting sick and tired of that self-dealing and kind of that closed door, good old boy network that has been the Washington elite.

What? The nation does not desire some with a resume of several decades of experience (and I love how she so simply puts it: "opportunities to meet heads of state") Apparently, we don't want someone who has foreign relations experience, or experience as a diplomat? I read somewhere else that this was supposed to be a jab at Biden, but isn't McCain supposedly the one who's experience makes him most qualified at foreign relations?

Anyways, I just had to get all that out. Suffice it to say that I'm not a fan of Sarah Palin, nor am I a fan of all the attention she's getting. I'm not a fan of how the McCain campaign is keeping her sheltered from the media, and I'm not a fan of how she seems to be doing nothing but spouting off the same refrain that we've heard from every other Republican thus far.

If you haven't guessed by now, when I've made references that my vote is leaning toward one candidate over the other, then I'm sure you can guess now that I'm referring to Obama. I'll get more into that in the next couple of weeks. I don't deny that McCain had some appealing qualities, but the more I learn about his campaign, the less I believe that he represents the values that I believe in. I'm truthful in saying that my decision hasn't yet been made, but I can assure you that his selection of Palin as VP isn't helping his case for obtaining my vote.

Phlegm Is A Funny Word

2008-09-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'm on the downswing of a cold right now. My sore throat lasted only a day, and I'm alternating between sniffles and phlegm hacking. It gets better as the day goes on, which does me no good when I have a phone interview in the morning. I apologized for my voice early on, which probably sounded as lovely as Gilbert Godfried after 10 consecutive cigars. The surprising part was a call back just hours later to set up an in-person interview next week. A same-day call back; that has to be promising, right? I won't bite though, I'm experienced enough now to prevent myself from getting my hopes up anymore.

I've curtailed my online poker playing almost completely. I've withdrawn the majority of my money from my accounts online, originally leaving about $600 left, but when I started blowing through that, I cashed out the rest. At one point the other day, I was left with $.77 in my account. I've spent the majority of my unemployment thus far staying at home playing online poker. While I was successful at first, I hit a rough streak that was really hard to handle, especially knowing I have a couple grand sitting in those accounts. When my severance package ran out, and I was left living off of my unemployment checks, cashing out was an imperative.

I used my most recent cashout from online poker to buy an XBox 360. My Playstation 2 is on it's last legs, and it was time for an upgrade. Aside from Guitar Hero, I'm not really an avid video game player, so the money invested was probably not the wisest investment, but I don't care. I love it.

Since my last post, I haven't done much reading up on either candidate. One thing I will say is that I'm really tired of hearing about Sarah Palin. I have to give the McCain campaign credit here; the selection of Palin as VP, whether or not she was the best candidate, was a stroke of genius. The addition of a young, unknown woman governor as VP has generated much needed buzz for the McCain campaign, both positive & negative. It's certainly invigorated my girlfriend enough that I've already let her know that I'm sick of hearing about her. I should note that she's not invigorated positively about her; instead, she sees Palin as exactly the kind of woman she doesn't want to be, but I'll let her discuss that on her blog if she so desires.

The hardest thing for me as a voter is trying to not vote based on simple emotions. Many of the things that I am the most unhappy with this country are a direct result of George W. Bush, a Republican. What's ironic is that the one Republican candidate I felt like I could vote for (aside from Ron Paul) was McCain. The only problem is that McCain now is not the same McCain of two years ago, even a year ago, and I can't help but make the connection between his transformation & his willingness to cater to the same neo-con influences that we've experienced the past 8 years.

But on the other hand, I don't necessarily want to throw my support behind Obama just solely based on the fact that he isn't a Republican. I think there are many positive reasons to support him, but I don't want this to be a repeat of 2004 where I vote Democrat simply because I don't want a Republican in charge.

Enough politics, there's still plenty of time for that.

I still have to finish the final post in my 5 part post from before my birthday. The first four posts I had written beforehand, but not the last part. I've been working on it here & there, but it might take some time. Partly because I haven't been pleased with what I've written thus far, but mostly because I've been lazy.

Time to go spit out some more phlegm.

Sorting Through The Bullshit

2008-09-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

I received an email about a month or so ago, one of those mass emails that gets forwarded across the country that somehow found its way into my inbox. The subject of the email was questioning Obama's qualifications to be President. Unfortunately, I deleted the email, but the gist of it was this:

1. Obama is less qualified than McCain because, if you exclude the times that the Senate was not in session, his experience as a Senator was less than two years, maybe even one year. Likewise, in the same sentence, the claim was made that McCain had over 20+ years as a Congressman

2. Quotes from Obama's two books were also mentioned, although the excerpts taken were fragmented in an attempt to portray Obama as being somewhat racist towards whites, or at least very pro-black. These quotes were listed as one-off statements, completely out of context from the book.

I doubt that I would ever get an email that would significantly influence my vote, but what really struck me is that I could really see someone who is on the fence being swayed by this to vote for McCain. In this particular situation, I don't think that was an issue because the majority of the recipients were probably voting Republican anyways. But I wonder how many undecided people received that email and were influenced to vote for McCain.

The truth is, I myself don't know who I'm voting for. I'm very heavily leaning towards one candidate more than the other, but I do consider myself undecided. My goal is to not make my vote an emotional one but a more logical one. And with that, it means filtering out all the bullshit coming from both campaigns to figure out what is truthful and what is meaningless.

On top of that, I have to weigh all that with my cynicism about the election itself. There's a significant part of me that feels it doesn't matter if it's McCain or Obama, it's more important to know who's in their back pockets. In some ways, both men are just figureheads for the initiatives & agendas of the organizations supporting them. So for me, it may not even come down to what the candidates have to say (I haven't even seen or heard a speech from either candidate thus far); it may just come down who's agendas I support the most.

But above anything else, my main purpose in this election is to really understand what exactly I'm voting for. I don't find any shame in admitting that I'm hardly the most politically knowledgeable or politically aware, but my goal is to do something about that. I feel that if I want to be a "true American", then it's my duty to base my vote off of more than the following points:

- McCain was a POW in Vietnam so he has the resolve & experience to defend this nation from terrorists
- Obama is a champion of change and has the vision & willpower to put this nation on the right track
- Obama lacks the experience needed to be President
- McCain has moved too far to the right-wing & no longer represents a departure from the neo-con Bush Administration
- Obama is black
- McCain is old
- McCain's VP choice, Sarah Palin, has a husband with a DUI from 20 years ago & a pregnant teenage daughter
- Biden is too old (honestly, I don't know anything about Biden)

It's always easy to simplify the election into Republican vs. Democrat, Liberal vs Conservative, youth vs. experience, old vs. new, red vs. blue. I'd venture to guess that majority of this nation has already made up it's mind, but what bothers me so much is how many of those decisions were made based on biased, incomplete, or downright untruthful bits of information.

For the next two months, if I can muster up the motivation to write, you'll find me getting a lot more political on this blog. I'm not going to try to influence anyone to vote one way or the other. I'm just going to write about what I find when I try to sort through the lies & figure out what's really going on, because I truly believe that the only "wrong" vote is an uninformed vote.

The Dating Game

2008-08-19T22:31:00.001-07:00

I've been unemployed for four months now. I've been rejected several times over, and each time I've been able to handle it fairly well. I think the reason for this is because looking for a job is ridiculously similar to dating someone.

You introduce yourself with confidence & start telling them things they want to hear, whether or not you might actually mean what you say. You talk about things you can do for them & try to convince them that you are the one they want. But you also have to do this without coming off as desperate. You have to play the waiting game, making sure to stay in contact with them without smothering them with attention.

Each time I've been rejected since May, I've been able to shake it off because, well, I've had lots of practice of handling rejection from women in my past. I've handled all sorts of rejections this summer: the no-returned-call or email, the "we've found someone else better" excuse, or the ones where they reject me because I did something weird & chased them off. But it's also been easier to deal with because, while many of those chances were good, none of them were "the one."

Today, I got rejected by "the one."

I started interviewing for a position earlier this month with a big architectual firm headquartered here. It seemed like a good opportunity, but I really got intrigued after the initial conversation with the director. I lacked experience in some areas of the job, but what I had to offer was what they were looking for the most.

I was brought in for an interview the next week with three of the team members & gave my best interview to date. I really focused in on my strengths, and with each person, I was already bouncing off ideas of ways to help them with issues they were having. I sent off a "Thank You" email the following morning, and by that evening, I received confirmation that I was moving on to the next series of interviews.

I found out shortly before the 2nd set of interviews that I was one of two finalists. This time, I really tried to focus on how I was a good fit for the position & the organization as well. I wasn't as pleased as I was with the second set of interviews but I felt that I had still did very well. The director said that they had the other finalist coming in two days later, and that they would try to have a decision by Friday.

Monday passed & still no word. I sent another email to the director, reaffirming to them why I was the best candidate. She responded later that night letting me know she hoped to have more information by today. I was hoping that the delay was because they were still finishing reference checks on the other candidate; I knew they had already done mine.

Instead, they were waiting for the acceptance from the other candidate. I held myself together when she broke me the news, staying composed & professional. But inside, as soon as I head the words, I was heartbroken. I'd been rejected, but not like this, not to come so close, not to feel so strongly about the chance, only to get the professional equivalent of the "it's not you, it's me" line.

I find no shame in admitting that I cried a little bit afterwards. I just sat at my desk for about a half-hour, fighting back the urges to throw something at the wall. Not only was this just a job, this was an chance to be set up financially & professionally in way that I've never been before. Instead, they took the "more experienced" person. I can't help but think back to failed relationships when I was younger, when my "lack of experience" was an issue that I had a hard time overcoming then too.

I thought this was going to be somewhere that I could stay for a long, long time; now, I have to start over, looking for new opportunities when I can't help but think that none of these compare to what could have been. Realistically, I'm preparing myself for taking a lesser opportunity, lowering my standards so-to-speak, just to find something, anything. I may jump into something with one foot out the door already, but it may be worth just to not have to face another rejection like this again.

Sometimes, it's not about finding the one. Sometimes, you just gotta get laid. And sometimes, you just gotta get paid.

Public Service Announcement

2008-08-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

We interrupt this series of posts that you may or may not be interested in for this special announcement.

Holy fuck I'm 30 years old now. It's true, I just saw it when I logged into my myspace account.

And I have the raddest girlfriend ever. She's already bought me dinner (twice), one of which included a chocolate & beer tasting, paid for us to spend the night downtown in a swanky hotel, took us to go see Tropic Thunder, AND bought me an 80gb iPod. Did I tell you how rad she is?

It's almost enough to keep my mind off how old I am now. Dang, 30!

Oh well, 30 is the new 20, right?

I'll be back with the finale to all the posts from this past week on Monday or Tuesday. Until then, it's time to party.

Finally, A Bit Of Relief

2008-08-14T00:47:00.000-07:00

This is Part 4. The first 3 Parts are here, here & here.

......

Perhaps it was the sunshine. Perhaps it was just the comedown after the emotional release the night before. For whatever reason, I woke up the next day feeling a bit different, but in a good way. I didn't start off the morning with a panic attack, which probably helped. Of course, anytime after I've had a good cry I end up feeling much better. But I wasn't completely out of the woods, not just yet. Just because I didn't start the day in panic mode didn't mean that I still didn't have other issues to face.

As the day progressed, I still remained panic attack-free. Furthermore, I started thinking about how I could turn all this into something positive. The prior two weeks of anxiety had a significant impact on me, and specifically, my personal philosophy. This confrontation on my philosophy on life forced me to reevaluate certain things that I valued in life. I felt that, if I didn't make any changes to these values, that I was going to be living a life that conflicted with my philosophy on life.

I met with Wac later that morning at a coffee shop with an attitude I wasn't capable of having before. I was speaking in a jumbled mess of sound bits, spitting out thoughts as they came into my head, trying to form them into a coherent statement. I still wasn't personally comfortable with the fact that I will die one day, but I was beginning to feel comfortable about what I wanted to do until that day arrives. I wanted to start traveling more, I wanted to get into better health so that I can enjoy life as long as possible, I wanted to free myself financially, I wanted to start going out more. And as I was speaking, I started realizing that none of these were any new revelations. I didn't come out of this some radically different person. The only thing different that day is that the sun was shining.

So maybe it was all just seasonal depression. I had spent two weeks in the sun not even a month prior, surrounded by family and friends in two states. I left all that to come back home, a city encased in clouds and drenched in cold. I came back to a stagnant job, a constricting apartment, and the same financial struggles I left behind. So maybe all of that triggered some sort of depression inside of me, and that first panic attack was just kindling for the fire.

Whether or not it was depression or some intense philosophical awakening, I really didn't know. What I did know is that whatever caused this, it was unlike any similar experiences before. Nothing really changed that morning; the fact that I will die one day is still an inevitability. But for the first time in weeks, that thought didn't scare me. Perhaps something was ignited in me to start living life differently, perhaps not. All I knew was, for the first time in weeks, I was smiling again. There I was, sitting in a coffee shop with my girlfriend, the sun squeezing between the buildings, talking about how I really want to go to Iceland. At that moment, we could have been blindsided by a runaway truck crashing into the building, or shot down by a crazed homeless person, maybe eaten alive by the Cloverfield monster. I wouldn't have been able to look back afterwards and think "Man, I wish I would have lived my life differently" or "Really? THAT'S how I die?" Nor would I have been able to look back and think that at least I was happy on my last day, enjoying a wonderful moment with my girlfriend.

But I was happy again. I wasn't worried anymore about what's going to happen after I die. Instead, I was thinking about how to enjoy life up until that final day.

How I Got This Way

2008-08-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is Part 3 in a series of posts. Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here.

......

Before I continue with the story, I think it might help to give some background on my religious beliefs. As you can probably guess, I am not a religious person. I grew up in a loosely religious family. For a while, we bounced around from church to church until we found one a Lutheran one that my dad felt comfortable in, but aside from the commercial holidays, religion never really found its way into our everyday lives. As a kid, I believed in God, and for a while said nightly prayers to myself, but I never fully embraced the church for two main reasons. One, it was booo-ring. Two, I was never fully convinced. I believed in a god for a while mostly because I wasn't sure what else to believe in.

When I was in college, I took some philosophy classes that really impacted my life. These classes never took the route of discouraging religious belief; instead, it was the discussion of rational thought & theological arguments for\against a god that piqued my interest. From being in these classes my religious views changed, and over time, I became less & less confident in my belief in a god. As it stands today, I don't believe in any god. I don't believe there is a heaven or a hell or an afterlife. I believe that the world we live in is the extent of our existence, and when we die, then that's that. End of story. Thanks for playing

I've followed down this belief path because it's what makes sense to me. Truthfully, I believe that I'm no different than even the most devout Christian or Muslim or Hindu in the sense that we are all believing something to be true when none of us will ever be able to validate those beliefs. I don't believe that we as humans will ever be able to prove or disprove the existence of a god or understand our own existence, nor will we ever really know what happens after we die.

The uncomfortable side effect of my belief is the conclusion that one draws from it. If it hasn't been clear so far, it can be very unsettling to believe that, when we die, that is the end. No afterlife, no heaven. In religion, one often finds comfort in their own death by viewing it as the beginning of a pathway towards a new, better afterlife or rebirth. My beliefs don't offer that kind of comfort. I've made the statement on a couple of occasions that I don't think people like me are given enough credit. What I mean by that is that the beliefs that we choose to live our lives by are sometimes difficult to keep. The fact that I believe that our death is the complete end of our existence on any level is sometimes downright frightening.

Instead, the comfort I derive comes from my view that the belief I hold is correct. That might sound egotistical, but we all believe our own view is correct. Beliefs are shallow without the confidence in one's own belief, right? So, essentially, I don't believe in God, I think I'm right, and I find comfort in believing that what I consider the truth to actually be the truth. I believe that the view that I've chosen is the correct one when all options are considered rationally. That might make me sound like a pompous asshole, and so might this next statement, but all things considered, I just can't place my faith in, using Christianity as an example, a thousand-plus year old book that tells stories that could rival any Spielberg\Bay production as the next Hollywood blockbuster. I don't mean that to sound as some kind of smug bastard, nor is it meant to put down anyone who is Christian. But, again, that's just how I feel.

I've felt this way for many years, and I've always felt that I was comfortable with these beliefs, but apparently I wasn't as comfortable as I thought. I'm not completely sure what triggered me to start having these panic attacks so frequently, but I do know that what it did was force me to fully confront my religious beliefs and truly understand the philosophical consequences of them. I can imagine that what I went through is probably similar to many others who become "born-again" Christians; there were a couple of moments during this time where I thought about the notion of becoming Christian again, but those moments were quick, fleeting, and never seriously considered. After finally breaking down after my last panic attack, I realized that the best way to get through all this was to come to terms with the consequences of my beliefs & find a way to reconcile them with the life that I want to live.

Go Crazy? Don't Mind If I Do!

2008-08-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

This is Part 2; Part 1 is here.

......

Several years ago, when I was living in Arizona, I stopped in a Borders bookstore while I was waiting to meet up with some friends at a sushi bar near the ASU campus. At the time, I was still in pursuit of a degree in Philosophy, so being the nerd that I ~~was~~ am, I hung out in that section of the store to pass some time. While there, I stumbled on a book that intrigued me: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. My fascination & problems with dwelling on death were something I was going through back then as well, and I thought maybe this book would help me understand why I was so caught up in the subject. I never made it more than a couple of chapters in the book because reading it conjured up those same thoughts that would freak me out & lead me to purchase the book in the first place.

Back in January, around the same time I was having the panic attacks, I got caught up playing the Wikipedia game and eventually stumbled across the entry for Ernest Becker, which was a really bad idea, kind of on par with going to WebMD to find out why you have a strange cough. Anyways, you can click above for his entry if you're interested. Furthermore, Wikipedia summarizes his book with this line:

"The basic premise of The Denial of Death is that human civilization is ultimately an elaborate, symbolic defense mechanism against the knowledge of the fact that we are going to die, which in turn acts as the emotional and intellectual response to our basic survival mechanism."

Although I've never made it through the whole book, what I have read has been very interesting. I'm not saying whether or not I believe this or not, but it's a fascinating idea nonetheless. Anyways, from that, I continued playing my Wikipedia-degrees-of-separation game, bouncing from link to link, stumbling on other interesting entries such as Terror Management Theory, Existential Psychology, and so on. This probably wasn't the best idea either, considering my mental state, but I couldn't help it. In fact, I was reading these articles the same day that I had my panic attack in the middle of class, so you can probably make the connection.

So the day after attack in class, I tried to shake off what had happened but I couldn't. No matter what I could be doing, my mind kept interrupting me with these interjections of bleakness. At work, in the shower, eating lunch, whatever the case may be, I'd think "what's the point of this" about anything I was doing. The next night, I was trying to watch Broken Flowers with Wac, but couldn't help to think about how insignificant things like movies, our apartment, even love & relationships had become. It was impossible for me to fixate on anything beyond the fact that everything in my life & my life itself was ultimately meaningless. Literally, it felt like I was going crazy. I finally broke down into tears that night and tried my best to explain to Wac what was going on in my mind. Even as I was speaking it, I was trying to laugh at how silly it sounded, but at the same time, I was seriously concerned. I felt myself making some revelations about my life that were downright terrifying. What began as just another panic attack, one like the many I've had over the past several years, had become a slippery slope into an existentialist dilemma that, at the time, felt like it was consuming me.

That emotional release helped me a bit, and I woke up the next morning feeling a little bit better but still pretty unsettled about what I had been through over the past couple of days. What I did know was that I didn't want to keep living my life in the manner that I had the past couple of weeks. I couldn't live life in fear of my own death, nor could I live life under the pretense that it was meaningless because I will die. I lived the past several years of my life with the idea that my death is the end of the line, and I was finally coming to terms with what that belief meant. In terms of Becker's book, I had become aware of my own defense mechanism against death, and over the past couple of weeks, it was like my mind was trying to tear it all down. I had to find someway to build it all back up or continue the path that my mind was leading me down.

Part 3 tomorrow....

Two Weeks In January

2008-08-11T14:01:00.000-07:00

I'm really not sure how this is going to come out. I've been working on this post off and on for a long time now. This is about something that happened to me back in January, so of course, a lot of the emotion that I experienced back then has deteriorated, and the intensity of what happened may be lost now that it's 7 months past. But a post like this isn't just something I can write on the fly, and I don't think my head has been straight enough until now, nor have I been in an environment where I can clearly write what went on. So now, 7 months later, sitting in a coffee shop, I'm going to try to write a post on what may have been the strangest period in my life.

How's that for a buildup? Ready? OK, let's go.

Back in early-mid January, I fought with a bit of mild depression for a couple of weeks, although that description isn't entirely accurate. It wasn't depression in the sense that I was constantly mopey or unmotivated, and it certainly wasn't serious enough that I was a candidate for some kind of self-inflicted bodily harm. But if it wasn't depression in the clinical sense, it was certainly depression-influenced.

It all started in the shower. I was doing my showerly business, half-awake, with my mind still off in some stream-of-consciousness daze. Bouncing from one topic to another, my mind got fixated on one thought in particular. I suddenly broke out into a sense of panic & anxiety, intense enough that I let out some sort of weird whining-moaning noise loud enough for Wac to hear from the kitchen. I had to physically shake my head to break my train of thought. This happened for a minute or two before it finally went away. Still emotionally shaken, I finished up my shower, and headed on my way to another day at the office filled with reading various poker blogs & ESPN.com.

I wasn't really too concerned with what happened that morning. The truth is, that wasn't the first time it happened to me. I've experienced that same sensation many times before. In fact, I can trace it as far back as elementary school. I can remember sitting on the bus during a field trip, just drifting off in thought as I stared out the window, when my imagination would get the best of me and I would freak out, albeit for just a brief moment.

What made this episode in January so significant & worthy of starting off a blog post with is that it was the first of many episodes within a two-week period. Usually, I experience them every couple of months, or if I'm lucky, once or twice a year. But for some reason, that episode in the shower triggered something within me, and for a week, I continued to dwell on the same topic over and over again until I had the worst episode I'd ever experienced, right in the middle of class.

It was a Wednesday, so that meant it was the more boring of the two classes, and it was easy for my mind to drift off. Instead of taking a round-about way, my mind almost immediately started thinking about that topic again, and I broke out into a panic that was so intense, I very nearly walked out of class.

So what is this thing that induces such panic in me any time I think about it?

Death.

Or specifically, my own death. Or even more specifically, what happens, or doesn't happen, after I die.

What is bothersome to me isn't a fear that I'm going to die or that I feel like I am dying (although, being a hypochondriac, I certainly have feared that at times in my life as well). Instead, what's so troubling is the thought that, at some point in the future, I will cease to exist. And really, if my mind wants to, it can be any topic that sets off the series of thoughts that leads me to this. For example, that day in the shower started like this:

Thinking about Guitar Hero 3>thinking about how DragonForce is a silly band>thinking about the idea of dragons & how that idea came about>thinking about the fact that dragons never even existed>thinking about life in Medieval times>thinking about how long ago that was & all those people are dead now>thinking about how one day I will die>thinking about how one day I will cease to exist>thinking about what that will be like>thinking about how scary that is...

In a nutshell, trying to comprehend things like the end of my existence, or sometimes things as grandiose as existence itself, or future existence - things that my personal philosophy has deemed incomprehensible - are too much for my mind to handle, and ultimately, I panic when I think about them.

When I was younger, if I would I poke someplace on my body that I injured and it hurt, my dad would say "then don't poke it!" I can imagine him, and maybe many of you, thinking "if you know it's scary, then don't think about it!" And for the most part, I don't. Like I mentioned before, I'm usually able to work out of these panic attacks within a couple of minutes. And they're not so debilitating that I feel like I'm in any kind of physical danger; it's all mental for the most part. So I'm not really bothered by the fact that I have these attacks every now and then, I just accept it and deal with them the best I can.

But these attacks in January, these were different. First, they were more frequent than before. I had never experienced them so close together, and rarely more than one a day. Secondly, they went beyond just thinking about my own existence, or inevitable lack of existence. Specifically, the episode in the middle of class went something like "blah blah blah...I'm going to die one day. All of us here in this room are, and once that happens, that will be the end. Everything we do, everything we're doing, everything we will ever do is meaningless because all this is just temporary."

That last part....that was something new. All of my previous panic attacks ended with just the idea of not existing. It was all future based - freaking out about what would happen in the future. That night was the first time I ever made an inference in my own mind about how that impacted what was happening now. And at the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I haven't been the same since.

To be continued...

Run Fatboy Run

2008-08-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, while we were spending most of the time drinking it up in Bend, Oregon, I took time out on Saturday morning to make sure I got my 3 mile run in. I couldn't miss out on this run; I was on a very aggressive training schedule for a half-marathon in October and any missteps could severely affect my preparation for this run.

Prior to the run, I had been doing all of my training indoors, on the treadmill at our neighborhood gym. I started off with a mile, working my way up to 2 miles by the end of the week. I got there, but I was still out of shape enough that I had to break for a short walk at the 1.5 mile mark. Last week, my training started off with a 1.5 mile run, working up to the 3 mile run in Bend. I struggled that week as well, and by Saturday's run, I was already questioning whether or not I was going to be able to do this.

I didn't want to admit defeat. I really wanted to be able to run the half marathon in October. It was going to be a weekend where Wac & I take over the world by running, me & my half, her and her full marathon the next day. I was feeling more motivated to run a half marathon than I had ever felt before. But each day, as I struggled on the treadmill, I felt myself becoming more and more discouraged. I was struggling to get to 2 miles - how was I going to be able to get to 4 miles in two weeks? And 6 miles by my birthday?

When I met up with Wac on my run that Saturday, we stopped by McDonald's to use their restroom. When I came out, I told her what had been building up in my mind the past couple of weeks.

I wasn't going to run the half marathon in October.

First, I felt like I was really struggling to increase my distance so quickly. I was basically trying to run 13.1 miles in 3 months from scratch. As motivated as I was, I started thinking that was going to be too much, and each day that I trained, the mental aspect of running became more & more difficult to overcome.

Secondly, being unemployed, I didn't want to run the risk of pushing too hard & seriously injuring myself. Although this was much less of a concern, it was still a concern nonetheless. Most of the injuries I could get as a runner are solved by simple things like rest or ice packs, but if I happened to tear a ligament or something just as catastrophic, I would be seriously fucked.

Anyways, it all boiled down to the fact that I didn't think I'd be ready in time for a half marathon in October. Even she had several months of training & a couple 5k's under her belt before she started training for the Vancouver half-marathon. What I was attempting to do was even more drastic than that, and I wasn't confident that I could. Part of me felt like I was giving up too soon, but the sensible side of me reminded the rest that this wasn't quitting, it was just a postponement.

So, despite what I said before, I won't be running the Leavenworth half marathon on October 4th. Instead, I'm going to finish what I originally started 4 years ago.

January 18th, 2009. The P.F. Chang's Rock & Roll Half-Marathon in Phoenix, AZ. The very first half-marathon I ever started training for...just four years late.

This time, I'm for real.

Last Chances

2008-07-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be in this spot right now.

I shouldn't be nearly 30 years old, struggling to find a job.

I don't regret leaving my last job despite an offer to stay, with a promotion. I left because I didn't think it was the best opportunity. It was a good opportunity, one that I've reconsidered since, but I still think it was the right move to find out what was available. Plus, the immediate benefit of the financial package was a shot in the arm that my conquest to reduce my debt really needed.

What I've realized over the past couple of months is that I really botched my opportunity with that company in my 3 years there. I started off very strong, impressing everyone from my manager to the Sr. VP of HR. I was in an entry level role essentially, but I was sharp, eager, and inventive, and within 9 months I worked myself into a position created for me, partly because there was a need, but also partly because I communicated an interest & convinced them I could do the job.

When I got into that new job, a role that required me to revamp an outdated training program & implement it within months so that we could train incoming HR personnel from our newly acquired stores, things changed. I became disenfranchised in that position because I realized that the development side of training was not necessarily where my passion was, at least not in that capacity. I had worked on creating training curriculum a couple of years before, but I was never solely responsible for it. Additionally, I've never been the greatest at networking, and combined with how isolated our department was anyways, I really didn't have any relationships built that I could trust. So there I was, on my own, trying to develop a new training program. I took it upon myself to rewrite our training manuals, which is a huge feat for someone who is an expert and\or experienced in technical writing, let alone someone like me.

Instead, I spent a large portion of my time surfing the internet. I should have stepped up, asked for help, tried to initiate contacts with other areas, motivated myself to take this project by the balls and own it. I didn't. I used my time by doing as little work as possible. It nearly cost me my job.

Last January, I was told I was being let go. When I was moved into the training job, I was told it was a temporary position until March of the following year, when the transitional period for the new stores would be over. I would have had to find a new position afterwards, but I was so favored by everyone at the time that it didn't appear it would be a problem. But my work ethic was so poor during that time that followed that I wasn't going to be kept around. To make matters even worse, there were layoffs in our department, and they all were receiving severance packages. However, I would have been let go without severance because I was "temporary." Our department's VP had no interest in finding a new spot for me, but my immediate boss, the director, was willing to give me another chance. It was nothing but pure luck that someone in a critical role left at this time as well. It was easier to fill the job internally, so they offered me the position. It was my last chance.

I stepped it up in this new job, but it still wasn't really what I wanted to do. I did enjoy my job more, but I still didn't put forth the kind of effort needed if I wanted to be successful. Instead, I chose to find a better balance between doing my job and not doing my job. I did what I needed to do, but rarely beyond, and I sometimes needed prodding. My reputation was firmly entrenched as someone who was sharp, intelligent, with the potential to be so much more if I just worked harder.

Being in the divisional office of a major retailer meant that I had the opportunity to work on a number of projects that would have really built my experience as an HR professional. I had access to a large number of well-established HR contacts with experience in any aspect of Human Resources. And I let it go to waste because I chose to spend so much time at work reading poker blogs & sports articles.

I haven't had a face-to-face interview since the end of May. My job search for the past couple of months has consisted of nothing but immediate dismissals, with the occasional phone interview. Some of it has just been circumstance; I could probably be employed now if I wanted to take a $10k paycut, but that isn't an option. My resume has been leaving companies feeling underwhelmed about my experience, so I've restructured my resume to focus on my growth with my previous companies, showing how quickly I've moved into roles of increasing responsibility. I've stepped up my networking attempts, trying to create opportunities that may not have been there before, increasing my visibility to the employer. I'm finally doing something that I should have done the past couple of years: I'm trying harder.

I have two phone interviews this week, and I have my resume in the hands of several people at two other companies. I have four chances right now to convince one of these employers to take a chance on me; that, despite my limited experience, I am the person who will be the most successful for them. These might be the last chances I get before I have to start lowering my expectations, and I need to do everything in my power to make sure that when I'm convincing them of my ability to be successful that it's the truth.

I shouldn't be in this position right now, but I am, and it's no one's fault but my own.

Wish me luck.

Some Posts Don't Need Words

2008-07-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

Found via TrueHoop on ESPN:

Weekend In Bend, Part 2

2008-07-28T14:47:00.001-07:00

Saturday

I started off Saturday with the intent to run 3 miles in the morning. I had a half-marathon to train for, and I couldn't let myself get too far astray from my training plan with just over 2 months to go. Luckily, I wasn't very hungover in the morning and was able to get through the first mile with no problem. Once I hit the second mile, it started getting a bit tougher, but not so much due to my hangover.

I had to poop.

Miraculously, around this same time, I ran into my girlfriend, who was on the tail end of her 10 mile run. We decided to walk the last couple of miles, stopping at a McDonald's nearby to allow me to relieve myself. On the walk back to the house, we came across a neighborhood market that had bikes for rent. We had plans of renting a group of bikes and doing a brewery tour on bicycle later in the day. However, these were no normal bikes. I don't even think these classified as tandem bikes. They were two person bikes, but they were more like buggies, with the seats side by side. They even had a four person variety as well, and they were pretty inexpensive as well. We contemplated renting some right then, but we decided wait in case others were interested.

We got home around 11, and everyone else was finally awake, either cooking breakfast or showering. All of us were feeling pretty good considering the shenanigans of the night before, and we were ready to walk down to a different bike shop Wac & I had found on our run earlier that day. Just before we left, I had the bright idea that maybe we should call them to check on their availability & prices. Good thing we did - they didn't even do rentals. We tried another place; only 2 bikes available. The next place had 5 bikes and they were double the price. We found one that had 10 bikes and was reasonably priced, only to discover they were 15 miles away in another city. It was apparent we only had one choice.

Bicycles built for four.

So six of us left to go check out the bikes at the market while the other four were off on a coffee run, intending to catch up with us later. We walked through the Old Bend neighborhood to the market, picked up our bikes, and started on our leisurely ride through the town of Bend.

Only it was anything but leisurely. It was hard goddamn work. Since we were all in a seated position, we really had to pump our legs to get any motion, and whoever was stuck in the two person bike had to work even harder. It wasn't leisure, it was a fucking workout. And we couldn't even go very fast, making us a liability anytime we got on a major street. So we nixed the idea of riding around Drake Park and instead headed to the nearby Deschutes Brewery, despite the absence of 40% of our party.

It turned out that they had the same idea, and we all ended up at the same place at the same time. They were already a couple samples deep, and we squeezed in one or two before the tour started. The tour was unlike other breweries I had toured previously (Heineken, Guinness) in that it was more informational or educational than it was entertaining. But it was also free, including the tastings, and it was interesting being able to walk around the entire production part of the brewery. We got in a couple more tastings before we left, including a sample of the Black Butte XX Porter, the 20th anniversary version of their most renowned beer.

Oh. My. God.

This beer is a-maz-ing. It's their standard porter brewed with the addition of coffee & high-end chocolate, then left in whiskey barrels. Or something like that; check out their website for more info. Anyways, bearing in mind my limited exposure to Porters & my fairly novice status as a beer expert, this is hands-down the best Porter I've ever had, and easily one of the 5 best beers ever. So smooth, so chocolatey, and so strong - 11% alcohol! It is also a limited release, so I picked up two of the 750ml bottles, a bargain at $10 a pop, and we headed back to the market to return the bikes.

Lunchtime was long overdue, and the six of us decided to embark on a trip to the magic land of Sonic Drive-In. Wac & Erik never had Sonic, but the rest of us were more than familiar with the goodness of their tater tots & their flavored drinks. I went with the Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster, a burger topped with BBQ sauce & an onion ring between two slices of Texas Toast, along with some Cheesy Tots and a Diet Sprite (gotta watch the carbs somehow).

We got back to the house & nearly all of us passed out in a tired, beer & carb induced, post-quad-bike-riding slumber. But it was only 4pm, the sun was shining, the weather was perfect, and I wasn't going to succumb to sleep today either. So I got in enough of a nap to refuel myself, and by 5pm, I was awake, with a pint of Ruby in hand, hanging out on the patio with Simon's girlfriend Molly, enjoying the few rays of sun that would peek through the tree branches. It was this moment that epitomized everything I hoped this weekend would be, just enjoying a beer outside with friends, hanging out in this amazing house, with nary a moment of stress or bother. One of those moments that makes you never want to leave ever again.

Unless, of course, you're leaving to grab another pint. Or another. Or another.

In the course of a couple hours I was several pints deep, and a group of us decided to go catch a free showing of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Of course, a movie at McMenamins isn't just your standard movie. It's a theater of mostly couches, with a stand inside where you can order food from the restaurant, as well as any of their wonderful beers. I went with the blue cheese bacon burger & another pint of Ruby.

(Note: McMenamins has several wonderful beers, but for me, on a bright, warm Summer day, nothing tops a Ruby, a pinkish ale with a very strong hint of citrus, including grapefruit. It looks girly & to many probably tastes girly, but whatever, it's amazing and, in my opinion, a perfect Summer beer).

We got out of the movie around 10:30 to find the rest of our party at the house with beers in hand, and we immediately joined them. It was a perfect night: just a group of friends, drinking beer, telling stories, shoving our faces with chips & salsa. I tried to teach others how to fling bottle caps with a simple snap of the fingers. Matt & Clay turned on the Misfits and started bouncing around to the music. Simon thought it would be a good idea to start chucking plastic plates at anyone lingering on the patio.

Then, I had another bright idea.

Years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I was living with my parents in a two story apartment. The stairs to the second floor ran directly down the middle, ending right at the front door. One night, when my nieces & nephew were very young, I thought it would be a fun idea to slide down the stairs on my belly with them on my back. The stairs were carpeted so it really didn't hurt at all, and there was plenty of time to stop before the doorway, so it was relatively safe. The kids absolutely loved it, and thus, bodysliding was born.

In my drunken haze, I thought it would be a good idea to relive this moment. So I went up to the middle of the stairs and flew down on my stomach, coming to a stop right before the wall. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I just laid there in a heap with my two thumbs up, a smile on my face, everything just OK.

Kelli & Simon, in their own drunken haze, thought it would be a good idea as well, only their ideas was to pile on top of me. A three-man bodyslide. In the history of man, I don't know if this had ever been attempted. And I don't know if it will ever again.

Once I got going, Kelli & Simon leaped on my back, stomach down, and my chest felt the pressure of two full grown adults on my body, so I came to a stop. Kelli & Simon did not, and flew head first into the wall, a crumpled mess of bodies. Luckily, Wac had the foresight to place a couch cushion there (and at the expense of half a fingernail ripping off in the process), so complete tragedy was avoided. But as they laid there, bruised & moaning, I smiled & held two thumbs up again.

The debauchery mellowed from there, but the drinking did not. Kelli kept handing us beers, regardless if we already had one. Simon and I started throwing popcorn at each other, with most of it landing on the ground. Finally, those that were less intoxicated started heading to bed, and those that were more intoxicated found that to be a good idea, so around 3am, the festivities ended.

Sunday

10am came too early. Many of us could have used another hour or twelve of sleep, but we had to be out of the house by 11am. A few gracious souls like Erik, Amanda, Molly and Wac were already awake, getting a headstart on cleaning up the mess. The rest of us stumbled around, gathering our things, trying to make the place look respectable again. We made a couple sandwiches for breakfast, packed up our things and headed home.

Of course, not without another stop at Sonic first.

The ride home was considerably more somber than the ride there. I had no playlist ready for the ride home, so we settled on some stand-up albums from Patton Oswalt and David Cross. That carried us to Portland, where we switched up to 5-song random shuffles from everyone's iPod.

After a pit stop for Subway in Castle Rock, we got slowed by some unexplainable traffic between Olympia & Tacoma. But the sun was still shining, and we crawled along, waiting to get home to a beautiful Summer day in Seattle.

No such luck. On this Sunday, Seattle was again gloomy and dark. A sky full of clouds prevented most of the sun from peeking through. It was dull, gray, and depressing, perhaps a fitting sign that the "best weekend ever" had finally come to an end.

Weekend In Bend, Part 1

2008-07-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

So I did come back. Although I really didn't want to.

Friday

I woke up on Friday at 8:30am, about a half-hour before we were supposed to leave. That may not seem very noteworthy until you consider that I probably didn't fall asleep until about 2 hours prior. I tried to force myself asleep around 1:30am, but considering I didn't wake up Thursday until 11:30am, combined with the excitement from thinking about the weekend ahead, it was a pointless cause.

The rest of our weekend roommates showed up within the next half-hour, and we finally hit the road around 9:30. I had spent parts of the past couple of days preparing a road trip playlist; 5.5 hours of music carefully selected to maximize the road trip experience. A delicate combination of obscure tracks and familiar sing-a-longs, placed in order to match the mood of the drive. So, how does one start this playlist?

Pink. "Get The Party Started."

Totally cliche, I know. In fact, it was purely a joke on my part, and within 10 seconds I skipped to the next track: "Plane Crash" by Toadies. No one else knew the song, but I couldn't think of a better opening track. It starts with a fast, punk-rock chord for about 5 second before the singer launches into a scream that sounds like an all-out roadhouse brawl. I let one out myself too, and with that, the weekend had begun.

I must commend myself on my playlist skills. Not everyone is able to take songs by the Gin Blossoms, Save Ferris, Portishead, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Rocket From The Crypt, and Europe and turn into a playlist that sounds cohesive, but also nearly time the playlist perfectly. Alas, the playlist ended with "Hysteria" by Muse about 10 miles before our actual destination. Personally, I blame it on getting tied up by idiots who either don't understand the concept of passing on the left or don't have the balls to do it.

We finally got to the house at McMenamins, and it was everything we could have hoped for. Two stories, five bedrooms, with a porch & and a bar not even 20 feet from our backdoor. The house was the biggest of the four that sat on the back end of the property with a community patio & and a whiskey-cigar bar right next door. Of course, this area was open to the public as well, so we had to share the area with many of Bend's fine residents, but only we had the ability to grab a pint and take it back to our house. We could drink on the porch, we could drink on the couch, we could drink in the shower, we could fall asleep on the beds drinking a pint if we wanted. Bend was our oyster, and we were about to start doing oyster shooters.

After kicking off the weekend with the requisite pints of Ruby and baskets of tator tots, we head into downtown Bend to find a place to eat. After consulting with some of the locals, we settled on an Italian place. Of course, we didn't take into consideration that most places probably weren't ready to handle a party of 8 on a Friday at a moment's notice, so we had to split into two tables. It ended up being a fairly good choice - not the best Italian I've ever had, but definitely good stuff.

We finally put an end to the carbohydrate binge and headed back to house. Others decided to indulge in the Turkish bath house on the premises, but the combo of beer, carbs, and two hours of sleep followed by a 8 hour road trip thoroughly kicked my ass, so at 7:45pm, I headed to the comfort of my bedroom.

Of course, that didn't last long. Sleep or no sleep, I wasn't about to let this weekend go to waste just because I was tired. I got in about a good hour of sleep before waking up around 9pm, and we all headed out to the patio again for some more pints. There was a 30 year high school reunion gathering at the bar as well, making for some good people watching. We spent time trying to identify who the school sluts were, and making fun of a man we named "Steve" for shattering his pint glass.

We headed back to the house afterwards for more drinking. Rather than spending $4 a pint, our friend Simon and I made a beer run earlier in the day to pick up some cheaper drinks. Simon, being a WSU Cougar, opted for the 30 pack of Keystone Light. I, being a man of more refined tastes, went with some Weinhard's Hefeweizen and an unfamiliar Oregon beer, MacTarnahan's Ale. After the obligatory chugging\shotguning of a can of Keystone, most of us gathered for some drunken games of Uno Attacks. Wac turned into bed early since she was staying dedicated to her marathon training & had planned a 10 mile run the next morning. Our other two guests, Clay & Brooke, finally arrived and headed out to drink with their friends Matt & Kelli. The rest of us stayed home for a rousing round of Apples To Apples. The game started off slow, with most of us making very well thought out choices, but as the beer kept flowing, the arguments got louder and more boisterous. By the time the night started coming to a close, we were shouting out statements like "What the fuck is wrong with you, how is Eleanor Roosevelt not sexier than a cactus?"

We finally put the game to an end around 1:30am, and we called it a night shortly thereafter. The house was cluttered with smashed Keystone Light cans, half-empty bottles of Hefe, and discarded leftover containers from the Italian restaurant. It was a disaster. But compared to how we would leave the house the following night, the place was as pristine as an operation room.

Coming tomorrow: a bicycle built for four, quite possibly the best beer ever, and drunken bodysliding.

I May Never Come Back

2008-07-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

Here's where all the 4am bedtimes come back to screw me over.

In just over 8 hours, I go on vacation. Of course, when we started planning this last September, I didn't expect it to be a vacation from doing nothing, but it's a vacation nonetheless.

At 9am, Wac & I, along with 6 of our friends (and two of their friends), depart on a road trip to the magical land known as Bend, Oregon. It's basically the dead center of Oregon, 6 hours away according to Google maps (but they drive the speed limit, so probably no more than 5.5).

Go ahead, ask.

The short answer is: beer. We're traveling 6 hours for beer. And in fact, it's the same beer we can get at a bar just blocks from our apartment.

The long answer is: to stay at a McMenamins brewery\hotel, where we're renting a 5 bedroom house on the premises. Also on this premises includes three bars, a movie theater, and a Turkish bath house. If this sounds familiar, it's because Wac & I stayed there on our road trip last year. I really didn't do justice with my description of the place last year. I still think Wac describes it best when she called it "summer camp for adults".

Seriously, we can have beer delivered to our house by room service. And that's if we're too lazy to walk across the courtyard to the bar itself.

It helps that Bend is a decent little town too. The downtown area has a decent bar scene, it's located right next to a beautiful park, and it's got a couple of microbreweries in the area, including Deschutes.

Anyways, if you don't hear from me in a while, it could just be me being a lazy blogger again. Or I could have decided to live the rest of my life as a transient in Bend, begging people for change for one more pint of Ruby, constantly trying to sneak my way into the Turkish bath house.

I can think of so many worse ways to spend my life. And few better.

P.S. To clarify something from my last post. We do not force our cats to use a litter box half their size. That picture is two years old, when we just got Little Kitty, who was only maybe 6 weeks old, and very much able to use a litter box of that size. Big Kitty, shown in the picture, decided that it was much easier to use the litter box in the room, despite it's size, rather than walk to the other side of the apartment. So before you get all PETA-crazy on us, know that we are very good pet owners. We are just owners of two mildly retarded cats.

Besides, look at that face. He loves it!

Picture Pages

2008-07-16T03:09:00.000-07:00

Not much to say this time. Today really didn't consist of much. Mostly playing Guitar Hero, a trip to the gym, and downloading some music from the 90's. Forgotten stuff like Afghan Whigs, Dinosaur Jr, and Sponge.

It's kind of amazing that Sponge wasn't a better band. Songs like Molly, Plowed, and even Wax Ecstatic are fucking great. But Rotting Pinata, their first album...eh, not so much.

Hum was a great 90's band too. Never forget that. Go pick up a Hum album right now, any one that you can find. You won't be disappointed.

Anyways, today's post is just a bunch of random pictures that I feel like posting. Enjoy.

Dublin in the winter:

Columbia River Gorge from Gorge Amphitheater

Seattle skyline

Big Kitty in little litter box

Golden Gate Bridge:

Little Kitty:

Sunset in Seattle

Really excited to be going to Vegas:

Big Kitty being sexy:

So It Begins

2008-07-15T03:12:00.000-07:00

Starting tomorrow, today, whatever. It's 3AM but it's still my Monday.

Starting whenever I wake up later today, I have to stop being lazy. I've put off training for my half-marathon as long as I could, but if I don't start tomorrow, then it's going to be very difficult for me.

I've put it off this long because that's just my nature. I'm unemployed, I'm lazy, and I'd rather spend my time playing poker or Guitar Hero. I'm not proud nor ashamed of that. It's just how I am.

But it's something I want to see change, and it's not going to happen on it's own, so I need to start putting forth the effort. I have been to the gym a couple times the past two weeks (specifically, once each week) and I've already noticed a difference from one day to the next. I'm still in much better shape than I was last year, but I'm not in the condition I was when I ran the St. Patty's Day 5k.

The plan for this week is 3 trips to the gym, ending with a 2 mile run on Saturday. It shouldn't be too hard; I've been there done that. Friday I'll do some sprints to help build up my stamina & endurance.

But from there, I increase the Saturday mileage by one mile each week. By the end of the month, I'll be four miles. On my birthday, I'll have to find time to run 6 miles. By September 20th, 11 miles.

What have I gotten myself into?

......

Yes, I'm still unemployed. I sent out my resume to 3 more companies last week. I redesigned my cover letter, spruced it up a bit, made it sound a bit less standardized.

Of course, I still used the same letter for two of the companies. At least I remembered to change the company in the second letter.

But I forgot to change the position. Fucking shortcuts. Hopefully they won't be confused when they get a letter from me, applying for a position they don't have.

The other company I did a special letter for. I'm really hoping that I can land this job & I'm pulling out all the stops. I took a chance & tried to go the humorous route with the letter because the job posting really emphasized that as being a key requirement for the candidate. They are also in the same industry as Wac, so I had her write a recommendation for me to have her boss send to someone at the company. I also have a former coworker who kinda sorta knows the recruiter there, and hopefully I can bombard them from that angle as well. I don't have anything to lose at this point, right? It's not possible that I can fuck up EVERY job opportunity that comes my way, is it?

Stay tuned.

Clarification

2008-07-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

Just to clarify, for all those concerned.

I wasn't really that close to dropping the "C" word on 15-year old girls. I've never dropped it on any female of any age, and I don't think I ever would unless they did something horrible, like murder our cats or kick me in the balls or something.

Besides, I think you have to be British to use it. Maybe Australian.

Anyways, I was just expressing how pissed off I was. It's one thing to think certain thoughts, but I'm responsible enough to not let those thoughts slip my tongue.

And of course, by "C" word, I mean "clown".

Of course.

Seaward

2008-07-10T02:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I went with a couple of friends to see the Foo Fighters in concert. I had seen them once before, back in 96 when they co-headlined with Rage Against The Machine at Mesa Amphitheater. I think it was a good show, but I don't really remember much from it, so I figured it would be best to go see them again.

I got tickets seated left-center of the stage on the other side of the floor. In Key Arena, these are good seats, really not too far away. Although I had seat 12, I sat in seat 10 since we had all three seats together. Man, I really wish I would have sat in my assigned seat.

I ended up sitting next to a couple of girls, probably not any older than 15. It's really hard to tell these days physically, but their behavior gave themselves away. Constantly giggling, non-stop text messaging, and just general goofing around. I really didn't mind at first, thinking that it couldn't last all show.

After Minus The Bear played a short set, the girls went back at it, nearly wrestling each other in the seats. The girl next to me came close to elbowing me in the face. I let it go at first, and they calmed down a bit until Supergrass came on.

Near the end of the extremely boring Supergrass set, they started throwing something around, and it ended up flying over my outstretched legs, under the seat just below me. Of course, the girls couldn't wait until the set to end to get whatever the hell it was, and squeezed past me to reach down and get it. To their credit, they did at least ask first, but never apologized.

I was really close to snapping at this point, but I really didn't feel like having to talk down to a couple of teenage girls, so I tried to shrug it off. They went off during the break before Foo Fighters, giving me some time to cool off. It wasn't enough. As soon as they got back, they started pushing each other around, again very nearly falling into me again. It was time to regulate.

"Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure?"
"When the Foo Fighters come on, can you try to be just a little bit less annoying?"
"What?"
"You nearly elbowed me in the face a couple times already."
"I almost elbowed you?"
"Yeah, and I don't want to have to worry about that during the show."
"Well, I guess I'll try to work on that."
"Thanks."

That really doesn't capture the condescending tone I had, nor the sarcastic tone they had. At least it shut them up.

________________________________________________

Foo Fighters came on and just killed it, starting off with 6 songs straight without hardly breathing. Dave Grohl addressed the crowd and said "we're not here to play some bullshit one & a half hour show. We're talking all night, like 3, maybe 4 hours." The stage was set up with a long walkway leading down the middle of the floor, into some kind of circle platform with a tarp over it. No one really knew what was under there.

Shortly after those first 6 songs, the girls were back at it. Luckily, the Foos were loud enough that I was able to ignore them for the most part. During some more stage banter, the Foos asked the crowd who was here for their first time, and the girls screamed. I actually felt a bit sorry; this might have been their first show, and I probably could have been a bit more congenial. I almost apologized to the girls, but when I noticed their behavior was back to the same, it was hard not to be annoyed again.

After some 20-minute extended version of one song, I can't remember which, Dave Grohl walked out to the circular platform, which had been uncovered, and a small stage began descending from the ceiling. The rest of the band followed, plus four other musicians, for an acoustic set! I've been to a lot of shows, and I'd never seen anything like this. They played about 5 songs before the rest of the band headed back, while Dave just stayed there with his guitar, strumming a quiet riff. It didn't take more than 3 notes to recognize the song.

Everlong.

Talk about instant goosebumps! Just Dave & a guitar, singing a soft, acoustic version of one of my all time favorite songs. It was just absolutely beautiful, until...

Those fucking girls.

I didn't hear what they said, it didn't matter. They were talking, and they weren't screaming out at Dave. They were just talking to themselves about something, during the middle of arguably the best song from the 1990s. This was THE moment of the concert - what could be so important? I couldn't hold it any longer.

"Seriously, can you guys just shut up for one song?"
(incredulous looks on their face)
"One song, that's all I ask."

I was actually surprised that what came out was that polite. I was so fucking pissed at that point, I wouldn't have been surprised if I ended up dropping the "C" word on those 15 year old girls. Trust me, I know how strong that word is, I honestly don't think I've personally used it in a vindictive way. But I was ready too.

The song ended with the rest of the band kicking in after the breakdown, turning the song from a sweet acoustic version to a raucous sound of noise. Sadly, my memory of the moment will probably center around the fact that I had to play parent to a pair of disrespectful little bit....girls.

And to think, there was once a time when I used to really want kids.

No Lions Or Tigers, But...

2008-06-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I realized I would really suck at being a caveman.

I spent this past weekend with my girlfriend & five others on a camping trip for our friend Simon's birthday. What better way to start Summer off then a trip deep into the North Cascades for two days & nights of drinking, hiking, and Toss & Cuss (I'll explain in a moment).

Simon and I got a head start Friday morning while the rest were planning to catch up later that day or sometime on Saturday. After about 2 & 1\2 hours of driving, we arrived at the Mineral Park campsite, an isolated camp just south of North Cascades National Park. Although Simon had reserved a site elsewhere in the camp, there was only one other campsite taken, so we scouted the area & instead chose a site that was close to the Cascade river as well as big enough for two tents. I've been camping many times before, mostly with my parents when I was younger, and I don't ever recall staying at a more beautiful campsite:

After the obligatory PBR to kick off the day, we set up our tents and camping gear, then headed off to scout out the rest of the camp. Unfortunately, I forgot to take my camera, a regrettable decision as we stumbled upon a deer lying near the outhouse at the other end of camp. Simon got probably within 10 feet of it before it took off into the woods.

We headed back to our campsite to start the fire for dinner. The second wave of our camping crew - our respective girlfriends and Simon's friend James - right as the fire was just about ready.

Whoops, this story is getting too long. Let me wrap up Friday night. We ate barbecue chicken, I passed out by the campfire shortly after the sun went down, woke up for a bit then passed out in the tent way early. Lame, I know. On to Saturday...

After a very diabetic-friendly breakfast of a single donut, we headed out around 10am to go on a hike. The five of us drove up into the North Cascades National Park until the road was closed. Months ago, the road was shut down because it was blocked by avalanches. Most of the snow had melted but there was still a lot of debris blocking it, enough to prevent your standard automobile but not enough to keep away five fleet footed adventurers.

A short ways into the hike, the road had collapsed, and the ranger service set up some log bridges to help hikers cross the river or creek or however you define the running water. We kept going up the hill, into the park, and encountered some of the most breath-taking views I've ever seen. Like postcard views, only I'm seeing them with my own eyes:

But the amazingness didn't stop there. As we headed further up the road, we all came to a halt when James yelled out "Bears!"

"Over there, in the snow!"

Sure enough, in the distance, were two bears, wrestling in the snow. They tackled each other, rolling around, a lot like our cats wrestle in the apartment. Being able to witness wildlife, in its natural environment, playing like this..easily one of the coolest things I've experienced in my life.

We kept trucking along, squeezing between fallen trees, climbing over mountains of packed snow & debris, when the road looked like it wasn't going to be getting any easier. We took a short timeout for Simon & James to climb some giant moss-covered rock, gave Simon time to relieve himself, then headed back down the road to the car.

We got maybe 100-200 feet from the avalanched snow when James shouted out "Bear!" again.

"In the road."

Gulp.

OK, I have to backtrack a bit.

Up to this point, there were several occasions on the trip where I drifted off into my own thoughts. Being so far removed from society, so deep in the wilderness, I found myself thinking a lot about how domesticated we've become as human beings over the past couple hundred, even thousand years. Especially in industrialized nations, we don't have to worry about things like hunting or gathering our own food, building our own shelter, or making our own clothes (although I'd probably just run around naked). How quickly would we fall apart if we were forced to do these things on our own? How many of us have the necessary survival skills to last even a week stranded somewhere?

So these thoughts were permeating the back of my mind when we end up running into a bear in the middle of the road. Immediately, I let out a panicked "Oh fuck!" and started thinking every worse case possible scenario. What do we do if he starts heading this way? Should we go back up the road and wait it out? What if he doesn't leave for a while, how long are we going to be up here? I don't want to die from a fucking bear attack. What if he attacks us, how do we defend ourselves?

I never made it through Boy Scouts, or even Cub Scouts, and the Mesa Public Schools district didn't offer any kind of Bear Survival courses, so I was completely retarded when faced with the thought of a bear in the road. So while Molly (Simon's GF) and I panicked, Simon & James told us to stay back, while James wandered TOWARDS THE BEAR! The bear spotted us pretty quickly, and James told us to be quiet. I wondered out loud "Maybe we should head back the other way", and the panic in my voice was embarassingly noticeable. Luckily, we didn't have to wait much longer; the bear scurried into the woods shortly thereafter. We waited a couple minutes in case there were others, grabbed some thick tree branches to defend ourselves if needed, and walked gently pass the bear poop that was left behind.

Suffice it to say, I lack the proper survival skills needed to last even a few days in the middle of nowhere. I wish I had a badass story of how we survived a bear attack, or how I killed a bear using only my hands, but sadly, this is just a story about how I froze up like a little chicken-shit at the sight of a bear down the road.

We headed back to the campsite & proceeded to get sufficiently drunk. Simon, James & I took turns playing Toss & Cuss, a game Molly's dad created for them. Basically, you take turns throwing bolas made of rope & golf balls at a structure made of PVC pipe. That's the "Toss" part. The "Cuss" part is what you do when your bola spins around the tube then falls off. We kept drinking & started thinking of inventive ways to throw the bolas; under the legs, high into the air, all three at once. I guess you could make the argument that, at that point, playing drunken Toss & Cuss was probably more dangerous than the bear in the road earlier.

The final two campers, J-Razz & Chris, showed up during the T&C marathon and joined us. In an epic battle, the rookies took down James & I on the final round, when between Chris & I, we wrapped 5 of our 6 bolas around the pipes. Chris's final wrap broke the tie, and the newbies were victorious on their first try:

After that, it was time for dinner, which meant time for Simon's glorious Foil Dinners. I think these originated from his fire fighting days, or maybe his Boy Scout days, I can't remember which. Basically, it's just meat, potatoes & veggies steamed over the campfire with Johnny's Salt, but it's so moist & delicious, it's just incredible. We finished the night by playing a couple of rounds of Uno, then sitting by one of the biggest, hottest campfires ever (seriously, we were melting beer bottles in that thing), and listen to Simon play his guitar, singing drunken songs about hanging with deer in the Deer Lounge, and a fight between Godzilla & Sasquatch.

Luckily for us, we didn't encounter either of them on the road at any point on the trip.

........

Just a quick update for those interested. I'm still jobless. I got conned into an interview this upcoming Tuesday. Ever since I put my resume out on Monster, I get email like every other week from insurance companies, basically spamming me with interview offers. They're probably shit jobs, and I have no interest in selling insurance. Well, I got a call yesterday from someone wanting to bring me in for an interview. We talked about my background for a bit & they were very interested, but I had no idea what job they wanted to interview me for because they failed to mention it. She even said something along the lines of "I can't really discuss too much over the phone, but we'll have more information for you at the interview". A job opportunity should never feel like a scam. I asked them what positions they had available and she said "Oh, you know, sales managers, human resources, marketing, lots of positions" but when asked to explain what kind of HR jobs, she couldn't explain. I asked her to send me a job description, and she said that the jobs were posted on their website (untrue). Just to get her off the phone, I told her I would look over their job postings (that don't exist) and tentatively agreed to an interview on Tuesday, which I will definitely be canceling on Monday.

Other than that, it's been a lot of hanging out at the coffee shop or playing online poker. Just living the dream.

2:21am

2008-06-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep.

Unemployment has put me into a crazy sleep cycle now. Stay up until 3 or 3:30 in the morning, wake up at 11am or Noon. The lifestyle of a true bum. I'm trying to break it; every morning, I set my alarm for 9:30am, and I even set my phone out in the kitchen so I physically have to get up and walk out of the bedroom to turn it off. But I'm too lazy for my own good, and with no real obligations in my life, I just walk back to bed and sleep some more.

At least I've been somewhat productive in my spare time. Yes, I consider playing online poker to be productive. Everyone has their own hobby. I've been trying to keep the apartment somewhat clean too. I ran a mile and a half on Monday. And you're seeing blog posts from me a lot more frequently, right?

The job search is still fruitless. In all honesty, the best opportunity that's out there is probably going back to where I came from. I think the job I passed on is still available, and there's also an HR Manager opportunity I could maybe work my way into, but I don't know if I want to make that commute. It would be a good experience & help me build skills that, based on responses to my resume, I'm obviously lacking, but I don't know if is worth it to deal with the kind of problems I'd encounter. I'm friends with the HR Manager at the downtown Seattle store, and it's pretty much a HR nightmare to work in, especially considering it's a multi-union environment. But I'm not ready to go back. Not yet.

I should probably take a break from poker, maybe watch some TV or something. I've got a sore throat & I've been drinking Coke Zero because it feels better. Seriously, for a diabetic, Coke Zero is the shit. I can't believe I drank Diet Coke for so long; Coke Zero tastes much better. Anyways, thanks to a Noon wake up today and all the caffeine I've just had, I'll probably be up for a while.

Maybe I'll stay up to say hi to Wac before she goes on her run in the morning. It's not even two hours away. This could be a good system. I stay up, make sure she gets her shit together in time for work, then I go to sleep.

God I'm such a bum.

My Newest George Costanza Moment

2008-06-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

So the good news is that my unemployment has finally kicked in. It's less than what I was making per week at my last job, but it's still enough to live on, and combined with what I have left over from my severance, I could potentially take the whole summer off, albeit I won't be living too comfortably.

And if I continue to fuck up the job search process like I may have this week, that's probably what I'm looking at.

I mentioned earlier this week that I was still waiting to hear back from two potential employers. One of the opportunities is with a company that I really would like to work for. They're a small upstart company that's doing really well, growing really fast, but also has a very relaxed and casual atmosphere. The position would allow me to get involved with a lot of projects that other positions I've applied for probably wouldn't allow. I last heard from them a week ago when the recruiter responded to my follow up email, letting me know they were still talking to other candidates and that they would follow up with me soon. Not the best sign, but not a decline either.

As an aside to the story, when I interviewed, I forgot to ask for a business card. I was so lured in by how casual the interview was that I left without thinking about it, so I didn't have a chance to get the manager's email to send him the requisite "Thank you" note. However, I did locate him via LinkedIn and sent a message to him that way. Now you're up to speed.

On Wednesday, I sent another follow up email to the recruiter to find out what was going on. I don't think it's unreasonable to send an email once a week to get an update. I also hadn't heard back from my email on LinkedIn, and when I checked the status, it said "In Progress" which I assumed meant it hadn't been delivered yet. So in the email to the recruiter, I gave a bogus claim that I had sent a "Thank You" note but it got bounce back to my email & asked him to confirm the email address for me so I could resend it. To me, it seemed like a reasonable situation.

Later that night, because I assumed that the LinkedIn email wasn't delivered, I tried to cancel it. Big mistake. When I canceled the email, it sent ANOTHER email to the manager stating that the original message was canceled & the reason (I used the default reason that "the timing of the request had changed".) I really don't want to know what their impression of me is now. It's not like any of this lessens my status as a qualified candidate, but if I'm on equal footing with another candidate, I'm sure they'd choose the one who doesn't bombard them with emails.

It doesn't help that I have all day to sit around and wait for responses. I like to think of myself as a patient person, and you would think I'm willing to be extremely patient since I'm getting compensated right now to not work, but beyond being patient, I hate uncertainty. I guess I just need to embrace this uncertainty for now & prepare myself for the "Summer of Matt" I originally thought I wanted. Because if I keep screwing myself with job opportunities, that's exactly what I'm going to get.

Inspiration

2008-06-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm 29 years old. I'll still be 29 for the next two and a half months. And in those 29+ years, only once in my life have I been comfortable with my body.

It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school. I was just getting over the biggest crush I'd ever had. Her name was Alexa (quite the stripper name, I know). Back then, at age 15, she was the hottest 14 year old I had ever seen.

Ugh. I'm cringing at the thought of how often this blog is going to come up in some sicko's Google search thanks to that last sentence. Anyways, back to the story.

I had a couple crushes before, but nothing like the one I had on Alexa. It seriously drove me crazy. I'm going to spare most of the details, because even 15 years later, I'm still embarrassed at some of the things I did, but let's just say that my "love" for her was expressed in every which way possible: love letters, phone calls, even flowers. Those fucking flowers. I was crushing on her so hard, I skipped Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals between the Suns & Sonics, when Barkley went for something like 43 & 17, just so I could go to the flower store without anyone knowing. If only she knew how deep my crush ran for her.

I finally got the hint sometime that summer when she continued to never return my calls. I knew why. She was a beautiful girl from a well-to-do family who was among the most popular kids in school, even as an 8th grader. I was a nerdy Freshman who wore too much hairspray in his hair, had over-sized glasses, and was, to put it politely, "on the heavier side." Things had to change, and so they did.

I started the transformation near the end of my Freshman year. I started skipping lunch, spending all my time on the basketball court, hoping that it would help me lose weight. Considering I never ate breakfast, this meant I was down to about one meal a day. And it started working.

I ditched the rest of the image as well. That summer, I convinced my parents to get contacts for me. I also talked my mom into spending money on the "cool" clothes, brands like Stussy, Mossimo (pre-Target era) and Guess. What she wouldn't buy for me, I used money that I got from selling basketball cards to buy more clothes. I got my hair cut short so that I wouldn't need hairspray to keep the helmet that I once sported.

I entered my sophomore year a new person: a svelte 150 pounds, thinner than I had ever been in my life. But new body & new clothes aside, my new image was still not enough to overcome the fact that I was still a huge dork, and I graduated high school without anything resembling a steady girlfriend.

High school. That was the last time I was happy with the way my body looked.

Anytime I've wanted to change my appearance, it's always been related, either directly or indirectly, to my pursuit of a female. That's probably not surprising; I'm sure there's thousands of fat guys trying to lose weight that probably wouldn't care about their weight if they were already banging strippers. I've tried to claim other motives for losing weight, i.e. training for a half-marathon, but even then, it was still mostly about a girl.

When I was diagnosed with the 'Betes, it changed my habits partially, and I'm somewhat happy to claim that my weight is the lowest it's been in years, even less than my half-marathon training days, but it's still not anywhere near confidence-building, and considering my weight is directly tied to how my body handles the 'Betes, I've still got a long way to go.

But I think I've finally found inspiration again, and this time, it's due to a woman. But it's not due to the pursuit of a woman. It's due to the woman I've already got.

Anytime I feel like I need inspiration to improve my health, I don't need to look any further than the other side of the bed and see my girlfriend, a woman who, quite literally, is not the same woman that was my girlfriend 2 years ago. This new woman, they share the same name, and they pretty much look the same in terms of physical features, but other than that, it's a new woman. A woman who is more than 75 pounds less than my girlfriend from two years ago. A woman who went from not wanting to walk 5 blocks from the apartment to the coffee shop to now wanting to run two half-marathons & a marathon this year alone. A woman who went from letting her appetite get the best of her to one that diligently watches everything she eats.

I don't need to find inspiration to change myself ever again, because I'm living with it.

A month ago, when we were driving back from Vancouver, B.C., I told Wac that I would run a half-marathon this year as well. I didn't even run the race, but I felt myself getting caught up in all the glory and energy that surrounded me as I watched the race. A contact runner's high.

October 4th, 2008. The Leavenworth Half-Marathon. That's the day that I confront 30 years of inadequacy at the finish line and give it the finger. The day when "woulda, coulda, shoulda" becomes "just did." The day that I finally accomplish something I've never been able to do, because I never had the right inspiration.

But I have it now.

And she's going to show my ass up the next day at the Portland Marathon, but that's OK. It's just more inspiration for me.

Deep Thoughts

2008-06-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

It's 11:43pm as I begin this blog post. I'm pretty sure the neighbors upstairs have been humping off and on for an hour now. Either that, or they picked an odd time to try to put together some Ikea furniture.

I'm playing some online poker as I write this. I just folded a three-seven offsuit in the small blind. I think that was a good thing. I'm really not paying attention but usually, it is.

I'm still jobless. I have a couple of possibilities lined up, but it's waiting game time. I've done all I can with one employer & still have to interview with the other, but according to the recruiter, they sound very interested. The latter job probably starts me off higher but I think I prefer the first one because it's a better opportunity. It's more in line with where I want to be and it doesn't start out as a contract position like the second place would. I'm still living off of severance, but if I keep spending $150 a weekend at the bar then we'll have problems, so enough of that for now.

Of course, all this will change once my unemployment checks start rolling in. Hopefully, that's soon. It's being delayed because they have to "decide" if my school interferes with my ability to get a job. It's not hard to figure out; I go twice a week and it ends next Monday. Now just give me my money already.

I should have some more posts up this week. I've holed myself up in the apartment on most days just playing poker & job searching. I think I'll take a break for part of the week and hang out at the coffee shop instead. It's all dependent upon my ability to snag Wac's laptop while she's at work. Shouldn't be a problem.

I think the neighbors are done humping. Good, it's almost Monday.

Wac and I took first place in an Uno tournament at a friend's house tonight. I don't think people realize the skill involved in Uno. I was down to two cards in one round - a Wild and a blue 2. I had to play the Wild so I went for the ol' trickery play and declared the color to be Green. My plan worked perfectly when our friend Chris switched up the color to Blue just a couple cards away from me. Another friend, Kelli wasn't paying attention and switched it back to Green right before me. Way to inadvertently foil my plan. But I clinched a first place tie with Wac in the end, and snagged the title outright when I beat her in arm-wrestling. The prize? Some homemade banana bread. Of course, I'll be sharing it with her anyways.

I just busted out of a poker game on the first hand. I think that means it's bedtime.

An Update

2008-05-13T00:18:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss from posting mostly because I didn't trust myself that I wouldn't leak out the big surprise that I had. The truth is (and most of you know this now) is that I've been in Arizona since Thursday. With no job lined up, I decided to spend a week back home before a weekend trip this Friday to Vegas with my girlfriend & assorted family\friends. The main purpose of this trip was to surprise my Mom for Mother's Day, and to maintain the surprise, I decide to just not blog. Since I don't post that much, it wasn't very hard showing such restraint.

So what's the latest in my world?

For those who don't know, I also maintain a poker blog. It's basically just a place for me to talk about poker only, since I know most of the readers of this blog don't care to read that stuff.

Perhaps you would care more if I told you I made almost $3000 within 24 hours last week? So yeah, that was kind of nice.

I left for AZ on Thursday night. I really didn't tell anyone I was coming except for my dad (to help plan the surprise) and the friends I'm staying with. But I realized that probably was a bad idea, because the last time I tried that I ended up not having anything to do since everyone already had plans. So I called my brother & sister up during my layover in Salt Lake City to tell them. I probably should have called them earlier so they could join me at our parent's place on Sunday. As it ended up, my niece was able to join me.

Anyways, there's a story in here that needs to be told.

I'm in SLC waiting for the boarding announcement. I had gotten up to look for a good magazine, and when I came back, my previous seat was taken. So I sat down in a good spot with some open seats to each side. All of a sudden, I detect the smell of whiskey in the air. I look to my left, and a young blonde girl wearing a Dodgers t-shirt had sat down two seats away. Girlfriend or not, you'd think that having a drunk blonde girl two seats away would be enjoyable, right? Not in this instance.

I tried my best to avoid eye contact so that she wouldn't make conversation with me. The reason being is that, as soon as she spoke up, I could tell conversation with her wouldn't be pleasant. The first thing I heard her say was "Hey you! Are you going to Phoenix?" Hoping that she wasn't talking to me, I just stared at the ground, playing with my iPod. The poor sap across from her took the bait. I won't recall the entire conversation, but what I learned during this time was:

1. She lived in Phoenix & hated it because it was ugly (at one point describing it with the word "ugly" 7 times)
2. She wanted to move to a place that had squirrels because she "loves squirrels"
3. She really had to pee
4. She didn't like the book Doctor Zhivago because, in her words, it was about "some dude who cheats on his wife & fucks some other chick"
5. She really like Stephen King
6. She really had to pee
7. She hated religion (at one point, audibly stating in the middle of SLC International, Gate C13 "I fucking hate God!")
8. She really had to pee

The poor sap finally left and she finally moved her attention to me. I tried my best to ignore her. She took up an interest in my music tastes; I worked to deflect her attention to woman's restroom just a few feet away. Even though she had to pee so bad her "vagina hurt really bad", she thought it was a better use of her time to write her email address on my hand so I could talk to her about music. She finally got in line to board; I wiped off the chicken scratch she left on my hand. The last I heard from her was her next attempt at conversation with some other unlucky soul waiting to board: "Hey, do you like the Dodgers?"

..............................................

It's been nice being back in AZ. Of course, it would be better if my girlfriend was here too, but sadly, she still has a job. I've spent my time here so far between catching up with a couple of friends and doing random things like shopping for shoes, as well as the overnight trip to my parent's house last night for Mom's Day.

Each time I come back to AZ, it seems like the number of people I get in contact with shrinks more and more. It becomes too much of a hassle to try and squeeze time in with a larger group of people, especially those that I don't really maintain a relationship with when I'm back in Seattle. I haven't told everyone I'm here because I'm not looking to use all my time here to catch up with friends; I really just want to relax and be a bum in a place I'm familiar with. So if you're reading this blog and I haven't called you yet, I'm sorry, but we'll just have to meet up again next time.

It may sound boring, but I've spent a good portion of my time here just at the house I'm staying at, hanging out with my old roommates, playing games like Uno, Mastermind, and Guitar Hero. It may not be the most exotic vacation, but it suites me just fine right now, and I don't have any plans to really change that before Vegas. The rest of the week, all I have planned are a couple of lunches or dinners, a poker tournament with my brother, and a job interview (more on that in a second). Maybe some basketball in there too. It just depends.

...............................................

Regarding the job search: I'm now 0-2. I had made it through the second round of interviews with a company for an HRIS position. I was really excited about it; it felt like a great opportunity, but the company felt otherwise. The questions in the second interview were a bit more pointed, really focusing on what I had accomplished within HRIS. They are in the processing of implementing a new program for their employee database, and I could tell they were looking for someone with more experience in that. I walked away from that interview feeling less secure about how I'd done, and when I saw the job got reposted a couple of days later, I pretty much knew I was no longer being considered. Others tried to convince me that the job reposting was just standard procedure, but when I got an email from the position's manager late this afternoon stating "thanks but we're going in a different direction", it confirmed what I already knew.

The good news is that I have another opportunity tomorrow for another HRIS position. It's just a short prescreen interview via phone with the recruiter. I'm not as excited about this position because it's on the other side of Lake Washington, in Kirkland. Google Maps says it's only 40 minutes away in traffic, but I think that's being generous. I'm REALLY not looking forward to driving to work again; I enjoy the fact I only fill up my tank about twice every 3 months. It's only about 6 miles so it probably wouldn't be that bad. Taking the bus would no longer be an option though; I'd have to take three buses & commute for over an hour just to be there by 9am. I've sent out a couple of applications since I've been in AZ; hopefully one of the jobs a bit closer to our apartment will work out.

At this point, I'm just hoping for something that I can start ASAP. The whole point of passing on the job to stay with Macy's was that I would be able to find something soon and bank my severance package as a nice little bonus. Although I am claiming unemployment during this time, the longer I'm unemployed, the more of my bonus I have to use. That's the last thing I want to happen.

It's time for bed now. I need my rest. I leave for Vegas in three days and I'm starting to come down with a cold. I need to get my rest & let my body get well so I can spend 48 hours destroying it in Sin City.

The Sweet Scent Of Unemployment

2008-05-05T22:50:00.001-07:00

I guess there really isn't a reason for me not to blog now, huh.

The good thing is that I've got lots to blog about. Maybe I'll blog about some recent events, such as drinking with ex-colleagues for 8 hours on Friday. Or traveling to distant countries (OK, just Canada). Maybe I'll finally get around to finishing a story I've been working on since January. Or maybe I'll just stay home and recap my days for you. Here's a preview:

8am: I think about getting out of bed.

10am: I finally get out of bed.

10:20am: I lose some money at poker

10:45am: I lose some more money at poker.

11am: I take a nap

1pm: I finally put some clothes on

1:05pm: I revise blog to say "1pm: Have a sammich"

1:10pm: I finally put some clothes on

Anyways, for those of you still dutifully sticking around for my blog updates, enjoy them while they last. If my interview goes well tomorrow, you may not see a flurry of blog posts like this for a long time.

2008-04-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Decision Time

Alcohol is known as "truth syrum" or "liquid courage." After last night, I can see why.

My company held it's farewell party last night at the Seattle Convention Center. Decent hors d'oeuvres, a slide show of memories past, and two free alcoholic beverage tickets.

Of course, the resourceful always find a way to score additional drink tickets. One of my coworkers, Ryan, had a pretty solid gameplan:

"Look for the pregnant chicks."

In truthfulness, I was just planning to have my two drinks & call it a night. But when drink tickets are being blatantly offered to me, it would be rude not to oblige, right?

.........

I had a conversation with my boss about the job offer to stay with the company. I've always been very honest with my boss, dating back to two years ago where I was stuck in a training position that was self-motivating & very unstructured. I struggled in that position to the extent that I was almost let go last year when the position was no longer needed. It was made temporary with the intent that I would move into another position elsewhere, but I had effectively slacked my way out of that arrangement, and it was only through luck & good timing that my current position opened up at a time when they couldn't afford to have it vacant.

I told her that I was leaning towards declining the offer for the same reasons I mentioned yesterday. Hypothetically speaking, she started throwing out numbers; $X with $X signing bonus, with the understanding that any bonus required a 2 year commitment. What if they gave me the bonus, with or without offsetting my annual salary? What if they bumped up the salary even more? I told her I really didn't know what number it would take for me to committ, and I think it was that part of the conversation that made it apparent my mind was made up, I just hadn't realized it yet.

.........

A couple of coworkers & I left an hour before the party to go prefunk at Gameworks across the street. We started talking about the job situation with everyone. One of us was staying, the other two were not.

At this point in the evening, I was answering the question of my employment in the manner of "Well, I still don't know, but I'm kind of leaning towards declining the offer" yadda yadda yadda.

We head to the farewell party. I cashed in my two drink tickets pretty quickly. I find my boss and start talking to her. The words came out differently this time:

"So I think I'm pretty sure that I'm not staying."

She tells me that I really didn't convince her earlier in the day that my decision was about the money. In reality, it is, but not in terms of what they could offer me to stay.

It was around this time that I procured an extra three drink tickets. With each ticket, the decision was becoming more definite.

Drink three: "I have an offer to stay, but I'm probably going to take the severance instead. I want that chance to see if the grass is really greener."

Drink four: "I'm probably out of here on May 2nd."

Drink five: "Fuck this I'm gone!"

.........

I realized yesterday what was most important to me. It is about the money. But it's about the money right now. Or it's about the money I don't have right now.

It's about the opportunity to get that lump sum now, find a job soon, and apply that lump sum to reducing my debt. It's about being able to set aside a portion of the severance and put it into a savings account. It's about being able to, for the first time in years, not be living paycheck to paycheck. Even if it means setting my career path back a year or two by taking a position that's not exactly where I want to be at this point in time. I would rather do that then take a promotion at the cost of severance.

This is all just a possibility. It's just as likely that I don't find a job until June, July, maybe even beyond. I have to be prepared for that possibility as well. So I'm not banking on this severance being the cure-all for my financial woes, at least not yet. Just the opportunity that it could be a cure-all.

It may not be the most financially sound decision, and it's probably the risker decision, but last night, when I kept smiling just a little bit more as I moved from "leaning towards declining" to "leaving on May 2nd", I realized that it's the decision that I'm most comfortable with.

Now on to the next life crisis: leaving Vegas with as much of my severance as possible.

No one ever said life was easy.

2008-04-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I don't want to be a grown up today.

I have been negotiating with my current employer about a position to remain with the company. It would be a manager position, although it wouldn't be the type of manager that I'd prefer.

They originally offered me the position with a small increase beyond my current salary, on the grounds that it was a comparable position to my current one.

I asked for more on the grounds that, although the functions are comparable, the responsibility is greater.

They came back with more money today. They are still holding firm on the "no retention bonus" but they at least gave me that.

Between my merit increase I received earlier this year and the new salary, my compensation will increase 25% from what it was at the start of the year.

And yet I'm leaning towards declining. Am I insane?

..........

I was forced into this position of having to look for a new job since my company decided to shut down our divisional headquarters. I wasn't anticipating having to do this now. Maybe a year from now, but not this soon.

My company is offering me a severance package as part of the termination. A very generous one, compared to what other companies have done. If I so choose, I could live jobless, and still maintain health benefits, until the end of July.

As soon as the announcement was made, the thought of a "Summer of Matt" entered my mind. Finally, I could become the slacker I've always wanted to be. I've backed off from that desire (although a "Month of Matt" is a definite possibility in May), realizing that the best case scenario would be to find a job elsewhere that A) puts me on the career path I want to be on and B) allows me to pocket the severance package.

Accepting this position would not get me either of those, but instead, it would A) puts me into a manager position that doesn't steer very far from the path I want to be on and B) gives me a higher salary than what I am making or would most likely make with another company.

.........

So what's most important to me?

Salary: I rejected the initial offer to stay with the company because, even though I would receive an increase, it was still too low. First, it would mean rejecting the severance package, and I wouldn't be able to recoup in compensation for about 2 years. Secondly, and the bigger reason, is that I didn't want to pigeonhole myself into an manager position at so low of a salary. Even though it would be my first manager position, a salary that low would have effects on future compensation as well. The new offer is considerably more & would satisfy the concerns I had about the initial offer. I doubt that I will receive a comparable salary with another company.

Career Path: I am at a stage in my career where I want to be in a managerial position within 2-4 years. This position would give me the managerial title, but it is managing the more operational side of Human Resources. My preference is to move to a more strategic position rather than operational. I am also very interested in gaining experience outside of the retail industry. I have been with my company for almost 12 years now, which is practically unheard of for someone who is not even 30 (I can still claim this for 4 more months). I don't anticipate staying with the company for another 12 years, and this is a great opportunity to move into HR within another industry. This position is also very similar to what I am currently doing, and I would not be opposed to accepting a position elsewhere that wasn't managerial but allowed me to gain experience in other areas of HR.

Severance: The value of the severance package decreases each week I don't have a job. I maximize the value by finding a job as soon as possible, yet the job search process hasn't looked very promising lately. I do have a short phone interview later today with another company for a position that is not as desirable as the position with my current employer, but it is a job that I will probably be a top candidate for, and would allow me to maximize the value of my severance package.

Time Off: When I found out I was laid off, I immediately started making travel plans for May, including a trip to Vegas. The Vegas trip is still on but the rest of my plans are dependent upon my job status. I confirmed that if I stay I can still take off a week for other plans that I had, but I don't know about the rest.

Really, a better question is: what's more important, the short-term benefit of severance or the long term benefit of job security? Is it crazy to pass up a promotional opportunity, considering the state of the economy & employment these days, to take a chance in the job market and hope to find another opportunity soon? Or, is it worth it accept a position on the grounds of job security if I suspect that I might not find the satisfaction & enjoyment in the job that I am currently lacking?

I guess there's a lot of questions to answer.

..........

I'm leaning towards declining the offer, and here's why:

I don't believe the best case scenario of finding the right job for me & being able to pocket the severance has passed me by just yet. I thought it was going to when I wrote this post the other week. I was afraid I was going to have to make a decision on my company's job offer without knowing whether or not I was being considered for the other opportunity, which would have been the perfect opportunity (I ended up not being interviewed).

Declining the offer with my current company doesn't necessarily mean that I can't be reconsidered for it at a later date. I've established a good rapport with the team members and I believe that I would be welcomed into the position if I wanted to come back. Furthermore, I know that the position's supervisor will be out of the office for a good portion of next month, so it's very possible that the job may be open for a while. Of course that's no certainty, and if I come back before my severance period runs out I have to pay back the difference.

I may find out that there isn't a better opportunity for me out there. I may come crawling back in a month or two, or I may take another job and be just as unhappy with that. I may not find a job until the middle of June & have to live off more of my severance than I would like to.

But the one thing I'm having trouble getting past is that, if I accept this job, I'll never know that.

Is the grass really greener on the other side? Is it worth it to find out?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Remembering The Good Times

2008-04-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

God bless the Irish & their explosive devices.

Friday night, I went out with Wac & some friends for a birthday celebration. Just me and four ladies. Keepin it gangsta.

I didn't really intend to drink that much Friday night, but isn't that how it always goes?

It was probably bad form that I waited until after I left the Irish pub that I ordered an Irish Car Bomb, but since we left so quickly, it was really the first opportunity I had.

When I was in Dublin, I couldn't resist asking the bartender about Irish Car Bombs. It looked like I was probably the 400th tourist to ask him about that. He said that they did without the Baileys, and just called them Belfast Bombers. Makes sense I guess. The name part, that is. I won't do without the Baileys.

Anyways, back to Friday night.

The first car bomb was so good, I needed a second one. Immediately. Combined with the Harp I had at Conor Byrne's earlier, I was feeling quite dandy. But I needed more.

I switched it up & went with a Trout Slayer. How can you resist a beer with a name like that?

We left a short time later, and I ran into a familiar friend on the side walk. A construction sign.

Constructions signs & drunken Matt have fond memories. Like the time after the Nine Inch Nails concert where I went running down the street, arms spread out, knocking down sign after sign (on a badly sprained ankle, I might add).

Or the time I stole valet cones & placed them all outside my roommate's bedroom door.

Or the time I stole a folding no parking sign and took pictures with it all the way home, then kept it in my apartment for 6 months for no apparent reason.

Some people are violent drunks. Some people are sloppy drunks, some people are lovable drunks.

Me, I'm just someone who likes to partake in harmless vandalism.

After literally walking over each sign I saw (4 in total, I think), I had to pee.

When I was in Dublin, I was at a bar with Rachel when I had to head back to the hostel for some reason, I think it was for my jacket. Halfway there, I had to piss so bad my balls were going to explode, which is crazy because your balls have nothing to do with pissing. But it was that bad. Even just a block away from the hostel, I couldn't hold it any longer, so I had to piss in a doorway.

Friday night, I didn't have to pee as bad, but knowing that we were taking the bus home, peeing in the doorway was again the best idea.

I've been on this kick the past couple of months where I've been in a sort of depression. I promise to talk more about that some other time. I can assure you all that I'm doing fine now, but for a while, I was having a difficult time enjoying life the way I did the few nights I stayed in Dublin. Friday night was a reminder of how to find that enjoyment once again. Just a half pint of Guinness, some Baileys, some Irish Whiskey, a couple of friends, and some construction signs are all it takes.

(keep your eyes out for an update to this post with pics once certain friends of mine get around to sending pics from Friday night)

2008-04-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

I hate this part of life.

I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what's going to happen in my life as soon as 3 weeks from now.

I hate having to sell myself over & over & over again.

I hate having to peruse job ads on an hourly basis so that I don't miss out on the very best opportunities.

I hate playing the waiting game after you send your application andor resume to a potential employer.

I hate that employers make snap decisions about who they're going to interview based on two documents, and I hate that these documents basically have to be perfect to receive any consideration.

I hate that it feels like coworkers are getting jobs handed to them left & right.

I hate that, in three weeks, I've recieved nothing but rejections & automated "We received your resume" emails, with the exception of one opportunity.

I hate that the one exception is THE perfect opportunity for me, yet I haven't heard a word since my response to their poorly disguised follow up email that was actually a short email interview.

I hate that this stresses me out so much, because if you know me, you know that hardly anything stresses me out.

..........................

So that's what's going on with my life. What started as celebration of the fact that I was getting severed has now turned into the stress via life uncertainty. I was looking forward to taking a month off, being a bum, living carefree. Now, I'm willing to start the Monday after I get laid off if it means that I have a job again.

This 180 in attitude has come about for a couple of different reasons. One, I've finally come to my senses and realized that I'm probably better off financially if I get a job as soon as possible. I'll have severance to live off of if need be, but preferably, I'd like to hold on to as much of that as possible for something other than living expenses. Things like paying off credits cards, savings accounts, and maybe a vacation somewhere. So I've stepped up the pressure on myself & begun the job search a lot sooner than expected.

Two, I just don't deal well with uncertainty in my life. I have plans to make in May that I can't even make until maybe a week before it's supposed to happen because I don't know what's going to happen. Right now, I'm waiting to hear back about a position that would be the ideal place for me. The position is exactly where I want to be at this stage of my career, it's with a very successful company that's been rated one of the best places to work in Seattle, and it's maybe a 5-10 minute walk from my apartment. They sent a follow-up email the same day I sent them my resume. The email was one of those "We just have a couple of questions for you" but was basically a short interview. I planned my answers carefully & sent this to them Sunday night. Of course, because they responded so quickly the first time, I expected the same, and spent all of Monday checking my email via phone nearly every 20 minutes. I've laid off since then, checking it maybe every hour or so, but at this point, I'd almost be happier getting a rejection email then sitting here in limbo. Even just an acknowledgement email, something like "Thanks for your reply; we'll be in contact if there's anything else we need." would put me at ease. Instead, I'm stuck here wondering if my email was good enough, or if I said something that blew the opportunity for me, or if the email somehow didn't go through.

There's a career fair at work today. God I hate career fairs. I'm not looking forward to spending half my day talking to recruiters, trying to pitch myself, playing the smile back & forth game with everyone, getting excited about potential opportunities only to get stood up again. It's times like this that remind me to be grateful that I have such a wonderful girlfriend. If I had to play this game while still playing the dating game as well, I'd rather gnaw my own head off.

2008-04-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

A good April Fool's joke has to be planned well in advance. There's plenty of dunces who will fall for something the day of, but what's the enjoyment in that? It's tricking those uber-aware people that really gives you satisfaction.

The last intricate joke I played was a combo joke between my friend Carrie & I. We spun a story of how one late night study session became "something more". The beauty of the story was that we were able to go a number of directions with it to target more than one victim.

Victim No 1 - Rachel (one of my best friends)

Rachel: "Hello?"

Me: "Hey it's me."

R: "What's up?"

M: " I need some help."

R: "Just so you know, I know what today is."

M: "What do you mean?"

R: "I know it's April Fools."

M: "Dammit."

Proceed to tell Rachel the story I had all planned out.

M: "So you think Kristin will go for it?"

R: "Totally."

Victim No 1 - Kristin (One of my other best friends)

Kristin (at work): "This is Kristin."

Me: "Hey it's me."

K: "Hi! What's going on?"

M: "I need to talk to you" (voice sounding somewhat weak & fragile)

K: "What's wrong?"

M: "I was over at Carrie's last night studying for a test, and afterwards I stayed to hang out & have some drinks. We ended up having a bit too much, and, well...we started fooling around."

K: "No way! Did you sleep with her?"

M: "No, it didn't get that far because something happened"

K: "What?"

M: "Well, at one point she was going down on me, and (voice sounding even more weak & fragile) I called her by someone else's name."

K: "Really?"

M: "Yeah."

K: "I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she'll understand it was an accident."

M: "Well, that's not the worst part."

K: "It's not?"

M: "No. (pause for dramatic effect, maybe even threw in a sniffle) God, I don't even know how to say this."

K: "What is it?"

M: "Well....um....I didn't want to tell you, but it freaked me out so bad, I think I have to."

K: "What happened?"

M: "I called her by your name."

K: "You did?"

M: "Yeah. I'm sorry, it's just so weird, I probably shouldn't have even told you, but I don't know what that means."

K: "It's OK. Things like that happen."

Fuck! Instead of getting weirded out, she plays the concerned friend role.

M: "I just hope it doesn't make it weird between us, you know?"

K: "Well, it is kind of strange, but I understand. Have you tried talking to her yet?"

M: "Yeah, I called her this morning and tried to talk to her about it."

K: "What did she say?"

M: "She said....April Fools?"

K: (pause)

K: (letting it all sink in)

K: "You ASSHOLE!"

Around the same time in the day, Carrie is telling one of our classmates, Casey the same story. When we all met up for Thursday Night Drinking Night, the foundation was layed for our next victim.

Victime No 3 - Casey, the college classmate

(insert random drunken conversation here)

Carrie: "I'll be right back, I gotta go to the restroom."

(insert brief conversation here)

Me: "So, did Carrie happen to tell you anything about something happening recently?"

Casey (KC): "Yeah, she did."

M: "Oh really? What did she tell you?"

KC: "About how you guys hooked up last night?"

M: "Oh. That's wonderful."

KC: "Uh...was I not supposed to know that?"

M: "No, I specifically asked her not to tell anyone."

Carrie comes walking back from the restroom

M: "What the fuck?"

C: "What?"

M: "I asked you not to tell anyone."

C: "Tell anyone what?"

M: "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

C: (looks at Casey) "You told him?"

KC: "I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."

M: "So what did she tell you...everything?"

I don't remember what her version of the story was, but it was supposed to be something embarrassing about me.

KC: "Yeah"

C: "Fuck, Casey!"

M: "Don't be pissed off at him for telling a secret you couldn't keep yourself! You didn't tell him EVERYTHING everything, did you?"

C: (looking away, silent)

M: "Seriously?"

Allow a minute or so for some awkward silence.

M: "So much for trusting the two of you anymore."

Let another half minute or so go by

M: "You really told him everything?"

C: "I think so."

M: "Even the part about how this is all a big April Fool's joke?"

KC: (pausing a moment to think about it)

KC: (looks at the big grins on our faces)

KC: "You fuckers!"

Sadly, on this April Fools day, I'm left to reminisce about past glories. Pulling off a good prank requires too much effort & preparation anymore, and frankly, even at 29, I'm getting too old for this shit.

I guess I should get back to work.

Lazy

2008-03-30T23:36:00.001-07:00

I don't have anything interesting to write about, so in the meantime, take some time to check out my girlfriend's blog. It's mostly about running and exercising, but considering she's lost over 60 pounds since September, I think it's well worth the read.

Once I stop spending all my free time playing poker or Guitar Hero, maybe I'll rediscover my creative side and make this blog interesting. Right now, I'm just not feeling it.

Rooting For New Jersey

2008-03-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night was one of the biggest games of the season for the Suns. And they weren't even playing in it.

I'm referring to New Jersey's victory over Atlanta.

The Nets win put them ahead of Atlanta for the last spot in the Eastern Conference playoffs and gives them a 3-1 edge for the season series, which is the first tiebreaker in determining playoffs seedings.

If you're a loyal Suns fan, you should already know why I'm mentioning this game, but for those that don't get it yet, let me explain.

The Suns have had a pattern recently of dumping first round draft picks. In 2004, we traded the No. 7 pick in the draft to Chicago, which ended up being the right to Luol Deng, for a 1st round pick the next year, which we used on Nate Robinson, who was traded to New York for Kurt Thomas, who was traded last year to the Sonics for Orlando's second round pick, except that we also had to throw in our own pick this year & our 2010 pick just so Seattle would pay Kurt's salary. And the only reason we traded the Deng pick in the first place was because the Suns didn't think Iguodala would be around, which he was. Think about the possibilities of our team:

2004-2005

Our team is Nash, JJ, Q-Rich, Marion & Amare with a young Barbosa, a rookie Iguodala (or even Luol Deng) & Jim Jackson & Steven Hunter coming off our bench. Maybe we win the championship, maybe we don't, but it's safe to say that a rookie Iguodala or Luol Deng would have contributed more than our rookie that year....Jackson Vroman.

2005-2006

Even with Iguodala or Deng on the team, we probably still trade Q-Rich to the Knicks for Kurt Thomas. We don't have the Bulls pick anymore, and we traded our own pick to the Spurs for LB, so for argument's sake, let's say that we give them a future 1st round pick, either 2006 or 2007. We also trade Joe Johnson because he's a whiny bitch to Atlanta for the same trade, and still sign Raja Bell. So now our team looks like this: Nash, Bell, Marion, Amare, KT, Iggy or Deng, LB, Diaw. We may or may not have traded for James Jones.

Let's consider that we trade the No. 7 pick in 2004 but instead of trading the Nate Robinson pick, we keep Robinson. Let's assume that we give up a 2006 pick for Kurt instead of a 2005 pick, since we have two in 2006. Think about it this way: We traded Quentin Richardson, the right to Nate Robinson & two future 1st round picks for the rights to Dijon Thompson & a second round pick from Seattle via Orlando (Rashard Lewis trade). So our team is Nash, Bell, Marion, Amare, Diaw, LB, KT, Nate Robinson, James Jones. The season probably has same outcome with Amare out due to microfracture surgery.

2006-2007

Back to scenario A. With Iguodala or Deng on the team, odds are that we don't sign Diaw to the huge extension, which is OK for 2006 because he's still under contract. If I recall, he would have only been a restricted FA after 06 anyways. In 2006, we drafted Rajon Rondo but sent him to the Celtics to take Grant's contract, and sent Sergio Rodriguez to Portland for $3 million. Of course, if we kept Rondo or Rodriguez over signing Marcus Banks, we would have saved money. So our lineup this year would have been Nash, Bell, Marion, Amare, Iggy or Deng, LB, Diaw, KT, Rondo or Rodriguez and maybe James Jones. Don't know if that gets us past the Spurs but maybe it does.

If we had kept Nate Robinson then we only have one pick in 2006, probably the lesser one. We probably still trade this pick to Portland to cover costs of LB & Diaw extensions andor the Tim Thomas resigning that (thankfully) never happened. So our lineup this year is still the same: Nash, Bell, Marion, Amare, Diaw, LB, KT, Nate Robinson, James Jones. Maybe Nate helps us past the Spurs, maybe not.

2007-2008

Considering all the assumptions from before, it's time to give Iggy (let's just assume we got Iguodala because they would have chosen him over Deng, that's been confirmed) an extension. This isn't too much of a problem because, knowing he was due an extension, we wouldn't have given Diaw an extension in 2006. In fact, considering his 2006 season, we probably don't extend him at all. So maybe Diaw is gone. But, rookies also have a 4th year option so maybe we just do that & take the option then give him an extension at the end of the year (like what happened with Philly this year). Either way, we probably still need a little bit of money so James Jones is probably gone too. Rondo or Rodriguez aren't due an extension until after next season. We have a 1st round pick, and if we don't take Tucker, then we probably draft a European to stow away overseas for a while. This is where it hurts that we're paying Piatkowski & Sean Marks. So, our lineup this year is: Nash, Bell, Marion, Amare, KT, Iguodala, LB, Rondo or Rodriguez, maybe Diaw. But, we also save our 2008 & 2010 draft picks because we don't have to trade KT.

We probably still take Alando Tucker in the draft, no big deal. But by having Nate Robinson instead of Marcus Banks, we're not that far over the cap, maybe a more manageable amount that Sarver is willing to pay. We probably don't make the Shaq deal since we still have Kurt Thomas. We still have two 1st round picks in 2008 & one in 2010 to use as trade bait. In fact, we probably could have traded Kurt Thomas, the two 1st round picks, and Nate Robinson to Memphis for Gasol. Nash, Bell, Marion, Amare, LB, Diaw, and Gasol. Maybe, who knows. The point is we still have the two 1st round picks we sent to Seattle with Kurt Thomas.

OK, so this post turned out being more about how trading the #7 pick in 04 to the Bulls was a HUGE mistake, but look at all the possibilities we have even with all the other draft picks, not to mention everything else that may have changed as a result. And that brings me back to why this post is called rooting for New Jersey.

If New Jersey makes the playoffs, that means Atlanta doesn't. Our only 1st round pick this year is Atlanta's from the Joe Johnson trade. It was almost ours last year, and we would have ended up with someone like Al Horford or Jeff Green, but this year's it ours no matter what. If Atlanta gets in the playoffs, we'll probably end up number 15.

But if they end up in the lottery, because the West is so deep this year, they'll pick around number 11-12 BUT that also means we have an ever-so-slight chance at getting into the lottery, possibly ending up with someone like Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose. It's a huge if, but at best, New Jersey in the playoffs means our pick is about 2-4 places higher.

So when you're not rooting for the Suns, start rooting for New Jersey. Hell, even Chicago, because they're not too far behind Atlanta & have two more games against them. Just starting rooting against Atlanta period. This might be our last chance in the lottery (because if we finish out of the Playoffs anytime soon, those picks are going to the Sonics), so let's hope we get there.

More Suns Thoughts

2008-03-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

Hopefully last night was not the last time I'll see the Suns play in Seattle but most likely that will be the case. The Seattle & Washington gov'ts have bumbled any possible solution, and Stern & Bennett are dead set on taking the Sonics away. Perhaps I'll do a post about that one day but there's probably much more eloquent statements about that whole ordeal elsewhere on the web. Instead, here are just some general thoughts from watching the game last night.

- 26 turnovers is ridiculous. Amare had 9 alone? Lots of turnovers related to passing - unexpected passes, fumbled catches, passes thrown out of bounds. Give credit to the Sonics for stepping up the pressure a bit - they've got a lot of long, athletic players, probably the kind of team we don't want to face in the playoffs. Golden State comes to mind, but the difference is that Seattle's big men are athletic too, while Golden State's big men aren't even big.

- I haven't really seen Shaq play for a while, and I don't know if he was just coasting tonight, but he looks like he's lost a lot of his vertical ability. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he'll be able to turn it on in the playoffs or against other opponents, but if not, that's a big concern. He missed out on a lot of rebounds and shots, even had one blocked by Johan Petro, because he was hardly getting any lift. There was one hilarious moment where Boris got a steal & tried to feed Shaq for an alley-oop. It sailed right over Shaq's head by about 2 feet. Someone from our section yelled out "Maybe 10 years ago, Boris!" Sad, but true.

- Speaking of Boris...I'm now convinced the French just can't play tough basketball. I thought it was just Boris who had this problem but I saw it in Johan Petro too. So much passive play between these too. Every time either one had the ball, I was yelling "Dunk it!", and when they would either kick it back out, lay it in, or in Petro's case, take a jumper from 16 feet away (the dude is 7 foot 1 by the way), I'd point it out to my friend Elliot. Petro did dunk it once, but he was basically wide open, and even then, I'm surprised he didn't do some kind of reverse layup. I'm convinced that if these two played one-on-one, they'd just spend the whole time checking the ball to each other. Anyways, the logical counter-argument would be to point out Tony Parker, but he's just an anomaly. Frederic Weis? Mickale Gelabale? There's too much evidence supporting me. Instead, I think Tony Parker isn't even French. Seriously, his name is TONY PARKER. It's not even a French name. I think it's all just an act so that someone as ugly as him can hook up with Eva Longoria, which I can totally understand.

- I would love to see Nick Collison on the Suns someday. Every Sonics game I've seen, he's always playing hard & smart. He's aggressive but knows his limitations and doesn't do anything stupid. He's not a shot blocker but he's an excellent rebounder, had a decent mid-range jump shot, and can bang inside with the big bodies. He'll never be a star, but he's definitely the type of player that does nothing but help your team.

- Nash & Bell were on fire last night; Bell was 6-6 before he hurt his ankle. We pretty much had to kill it from downtown to offset all those turnovers. I think our crunch-time lineup is going to be Nash, Bell, LB, Amare & Shaq, or replace Shaq with Hill depending on the lineup. I think we have to have at least two spot-up 3 point shooters when Shaq is on the floor to give us the spacing we need. Hill isn't a consistent enough 3 point shooter to be out there at the same time. I see that being our lineup against teams like L.A., N'awlins, and San Antonio. Maybe Utah, too. Otherwise, a smaller lineup will probably be more effective against any other team. If we get our spacing, and our shooters are on, then I like our chances.

3.58

2008-03-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, I tried training for the Rock & Roll Marathon in Tempe. For many years now, I've always claimed "I once trained for a half marathon" like it was some kind of accomplishment when really, a more accurate phrase would have been "I ran every now & then with a glimmer of hope that I would magically get in shape for a half marathon yet not have to give up my fast food diet". In the early phases, I stuck to my training regiment for the most part, but as the sun got hotter & the lengths got...um.....longer, it became easier to find excuses to give up on my daily running.

If anyone were to also point out the coincidence between the time when my runs became less frequent & the time when I found out that a girl that I was persuing, who was a frequent half-marathon runner herself, made clear her affection for me was much more platonic than mine was for her, you would be correct in assuming that those two were probably somehow linked, even if I wasn't admitting it back then.

Anyways, let's get back to paragraphs that aren't also sentences. Back then, the furthest I ever ran consecutively was somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 miles. At the time, I figured it was probably about 3.2, but I don't know how accurate that was since my course was a) a neighborhood block that Google Maps measured at 2.0 miles, but was probably less considering the circumference of the sidewalk was probably less than that of the streets and b) the park that I continued my run at was measured at .4 miles by driving around in my Kia and using it's odometer. So, in hindsight, a distance of 3.0 miles is probably pretty generous.

On Sunday, I easily slaughtered my distance record.

Wac has been getting very involved in distance running, to the extent that not only is she competing in the Vancouver half-marathon in May, but is also following a weekly workout schedule that involves, among other activities, yoga, boxing, and uphill runs. She has already competed in three runs to date; a 4 mile run at the Redhook Brewery in Sept, the Jingle Bell Dash through downtown Seattle in December, and a Valentine's Run in (you guessed it) February. So when she asked if I would do the St Patty's Day run with her, did I really have any grounds to reply "No"?

I've tried to stick to some kind of workout routine, but it's been difficult, even being diagnosed with The 'Betes. But after dropping 20-something pounds since diagnosis, I've found it's been easier to run and have slowly started getting back into it. The Thursday before the race, I was up to 2.9 miles on the treadmill, including some intervals where I was running at a 6.0-6.5 pace instead of my normal 4.8, and even throwing some incline in there as well (it's amazing how pumped up you get listening to Muse on the treadmill).

The day of the race, I joined over 15,000 people to run from Seattle Center down Highway 99, through the Battery Tunnel, down the Viaduct, around the corner, through the woods, and into the Qwest field courtyard. 3.58 miles total. Like most everyone else, I represented my non-Irish heritage by wearing my green Quiksilver jacket (a last minute addition as it was fucking cold out) and a super-smooth green headband.

The race got underway at about 9:15am, and for the first mile or so, it was a breeze. I had to stop briefly because my right shoe was a little bit too tight, and I could feel the circulation getting cut off. I knew I was probably going to have to take a breather at some point, I just didn't want it to be this early. But it had to be done otherwise I'm finishing the race with a dead foot.

I didn't have to stop until I hit about the 1.75 mile mark. The pains in my side were too much to bear. I've become pretty good at working out pains through controlled breathing but it just wasn't happening this time. I walked for about 3 minutes then picked up the pace again, passing the 2 mile marker, when I had to take another breather.

I was furious with myself. I was OK with stopping once, but I really didn't want to stop again. I felt like I was dropping back into marathon training mode, where I would ease up at the slightest bit of resistance, mental or physical. I felt myself wanting to quit. Then, I found my motivation. If I could have recorded my thoughts at the time, it would have sounded like this:

"I'm not quitting. I'm not going to be like those fat people walking in front of me anymore. It's that kind of attitude that got me here in the first place, got me stuck with this Diabetes thing. If I want to beat this Diabetes, I have to keep going. If I'm tired, If I'm sore, fuck it. I'm not stopping."

And from that point forward, I kept running, all the way to the finish line. 3.58 miles in just about 42 minutes. For what it's worth, I finished the 2.9 miles on Thursday in 45 minutes.

_______________________________________________________________

After the race, we stopped for a bathroom break (note to self: having orange juice for breakfast before the race = bad idea), grabbed some potato chips and some water,and wandered around the booths they had setup, including one for the Detlef Schrempf Foundation, one of the sponsors of the race, which was being manned none other than the man himself, Detlef. Homeboy was a baller back in the day, but he was still humble enough to not only work the booth for his own foundation, but was incredibly gracious to anyone who came up that day. At about 10:20, we walked back to hop on the shuttle back to Seattle Center.

About 11:45 we got home. It took us almost an hour & a half to get back to our apartment exactly 3.58 miles away. For some unexplainable reason, the shuttle service was set up so that:

1. There were no signs to mark where the pickup spot was

2. The shuttle service consisted of a total of TWO school buses

3. The bus drivers had no idea where to go.

It wasn't until sometime after 11am that we finally found a school bus, marked with a little green piece of paper, stopping on the corner opposite where we were standing. Others were practically risking their lives to get on this school bus, running through the intersection to get there. We took out time, and it almost cost us as the bus filled up, but the driver probably risked her job by letting us stand in the aisleway, and for that I am so grateful for. I probably would have hijacked someone's car if I missed that bus. It was almost enough to ruin the day for us but we recovered.

_______________________________________________________________

One last story from the race. As we were wandering around, looking for the shuttle, we came across who I think was the last finisher of the race. She had a yellow tag on, representing that she was in the walkuntimed run group. I didn't see anyone else behind her. She completely decked out in St Patty's gear, beads, shamrocks, the whole nine yards - she looked like one of those 40 year olds who hasn't quite realized that she's too old for Mardi Gras anymore. She was exasperated and asked out loud "Is this the finish line"? A couple people, including myself, explained it was around the corner then around again. She whined and continued her limp around the finish line. I glanced down to see the cause of her limp.

Lime green high-heeled hooker boots.

Seriously? A 3.58 mile walk down city streets & freeways in high heels? Of all the times I didn't have a camera but wished I did, this has to be in the top 5. If I wasn't so pissed off from wandering around aimlessly looking for the shuttle, I probably wouldn't have been able to control my laughter. It might make me sound like an asshole, but I do find some satisfaction in knowing that, for all the stupid things I do in life, that I'm not as stupid as that lady.

Garlic Overdose

2008-03-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

Over the years, I've developed a small passion for cooking. Go figure. The fat guy has a passion for making food.

Anyways, I've become a fairly decent cook. My grilling skills are getting better, I can usually find a way to make a pretty tasty dinner without a recipe, and I'm finding ways to make great tasting meals that fit within my diabetic diet & Wac's Weight Watchers plan.

Last night's meal consisted of some turkey tenderloins wrapped in bacon from Trader Joe's. Spiced with a bit of garlic salt & pepper, pan-seared, then topped with some rosemary & thrown in the oven for about 15 mins. I also made some green beans, blanched just briefly, then sauteed with butter and some garlic.

Perhaps I might have used just a bit too much garlic.

If any of my co-workers are reading this, no, it's not a new cologne that I have on today. That faint aroma of garlic you might catch isn't someone's lunch.

Los Stupid

2008-03-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

"So you know, we're on ABC against the Spurs on March 9th. We gotta come up with something big. Shaq vs Duncan isn't enough."

"Hmm...we could go back to our orange jerseys. Alternate jerseys are a huge thing these days. That should help move some jerseys."

"Yeah, but I'm thinking bigger. We need something bigger than just alternate jerseys. Something bigger than retro jerseys."

"You is talkin loco & I like it!"

"Wait...that's it!"

"What's it?"

"Loco! We go Spanish! It'll be perfect - we'll capture the entire Hispanic demographic!"

"What are you saying - that the jerseys say 'Sol' on them?"

"Well, if we're getting techinical, it'll be 'Sols'."

"Actually, if you want to get REALLY techinical, the proper Spanish would be "Los Sols'."

"But our jerseys don't say "The Suns" so why would it say 'Los'?"

"That's just the Spanish language, dude. Why do they put upside down exclamation points & question marks at the beginning of the sentence? Who knows?"

"Good point."

"I dunno though...I like where your head is at, but I think changing the team name might be a bit too much. Yeah, we may capture the Hispanic demographic, but what about all the non-Hispanic viewers? That's a bigger piece of the pie."

"True, true....maybe we combine it?"

"Like..."Los Suns."

"Yes! It's the best of the both worlds! It shows that we care about our Mexican vi-"

"Hispanic, dude. Calling them all Mexican just pisses them off even more. It's like calling all Americans "Yankees" or something. I don't get it either, but whatever."

"OK, hispanic. So the 'Los' part shows our Hispanic viewers "hey buddy, we respect you" but keeps our non-Hispanic viewers happy because they're still the 'Suns'."

"And you know what? We can still go retro too. We can change the font to be some crazy 70's disco-era font. Retro & multicultural!"

"Brilliant! These things will sell like hotcakes!"

"You mean calientecakes."

"Man, you are something else."

Worst fucking idea ever.

I Might Be Wrong

2008-02-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

No Radiohead at Sasquatch this year. You have to at least admit, I was logical about it, I wasn't just some deranged lunatic hoping & praying that Radiohead would magically appear - you can see why I would think they would appear. Anyways, the initial lineup is available, and so far it looks pretty promising. I was already sold based on the combination of how much fun I had last year + the announcement of The Cure many months back, but everything else is just gravy. There will be more additions later for sure (I heard a Mars Volta possibility), but you can check out who's on tap right now here.

As far as the headliners:

The Cure - one of the best performances I've seen was The Cure back on the Wild Mood Swings tour, and that was even back when I hated them. I'm not even nearly one of their biggest fans but I'll never pass up a chance to see them.

R.E.M. - one of those headliners that I'm pretty apathetic about. I've never been a huge fan, but I like a lot of their stuff.

The Flaming Lips - I've still never become a big Flaming Lips fan, and I missed out on their performance at Coachella 2004. If I don't become a fan after this experience, I probably never will.

Other Bands I'm Excited To See: Modest Mouse, Death Cab, The Breeders, The National, Ghostland Observatory, Kinski, plus a bunch of other bands I've heard "of" but don't really know.

Looks like Radiohead will have to wait until August (birthday present perhaps? Hmmmmmmm?) but Sasquatch again looks more appealing than Coachella.